Tattoos & Love Gone Wrong…

MESSIE here again. I know this is two posts in one day, but I wrote this one last night and just decided to post it.

As mentioned in my first post, I will sometimes post lyrics and/or videos from my favorite songs and then share my thoughts on them. I love music. There’s not a specific genre I prefer or anything. I listen to pretty much all types, except for rap and heavy metal. My fave would have to be country, me being a small-town girl and all. Music for me is like writing. Songs are just one way of telling a story or expressing your thoughts. Have you ever just heard a song and said to yourself “wow, this could be the story of my life”? It happens to me all the time… So here’s the first song of the dozens I love. It’s not that old, a few years maybe. It’s called “Tattoo” and the artist is Jordin Sparks

VERSE: No matter what you say about love / I keep coming back for more / Keep my hand in the fire / sooner or later, I get what I’m asking for / No matter what you say about life / I learn every time I bleed / The truth is a stranger / my soul is in danger / I gotta let my spirit be free to admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind / Sorry, but I have to move on / and leave you behind…

CHORUS: I can’t waste time so give it a moment / I realize that nothing’s broken / No need to worry about everything I’ve done / Live every second like it was my last one / Don’t look back / got a new direction / I loved you once then needed protection / You’re still a part of everything I do / You’re on my heart just like a tattoo / Just like a tattoo / I’ll always have you…

VERSE: Sick of playing all of these games / It’s not about taking sides / When I looked in the mirror / didn’t deliver / It hurt enough to think that I could stop / admit that I’m wrong / and then change my mind / I’m sorry but I’ve gotta be strong / and leave you behind…

VERSE: If I live every moment / won’t change any moment / There’s still a part of you in me / I will never regret you / still the memory of you / marks everything I do…

BRIDGE: Just like a tattoo/I’ll always have you.

Now for MY thoughts:

I love this song. It’s definitely in my top favorites. The song reminds me of so much. To me, the song is about moving on and letting go. The beginning lyrics are great. It’s about love and risk, how even when you know you’re going to get hurt, you do it anyway. You ignore the risk and take the plunge head-first, again and again. It’s about letting go, but still holding on to the memories. It’s perfect. It’s so me…

When it comes to relationships I usually dive in without checking the depth first. I have trust issues. Either I don’t trust at all, or I trust too much. There really is no middle ground. It’s all or nothing. I wasn’t into the whole dating thing in high school like a lot of people were. I never really saw the point. I never felt like I was missing out, rather I felt like I was one of the smart ones for NOT dating. To be honest, dating in highschool was more like a source of amusement for me than anything else. I always thought it comical when one of my friends would start “dating”. The relationship would usually last a whole two seconds. It typically took less than a week before they announced their “undying” love for one another. I found that laughable. It was such a joke. I’d say it was lust maybe, but it definitely wasn’t love. You don’t fall in love in a week when you’re 15 years old. Sorry, but you just don’t. It was even more amusing when I’d hear them say that they were going to be together forever. That’s nice. Sure it happens, but realistically speaking, most people don’t marry their highschool sweetheart and live happily ever after. Seriously people! I always wanted to tell them to get real and ask them if they really want to be one of those people 20 years down the road, who look at their yearbook and feel like an idiot when reading me+(insert name) together 4ever in their senior will. At least I had the brains to not fall into THAT trap!

Statistically speaking, I’m probably weird for the fact that I didn’t date til college. Then again, I probably should have dated a little. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so naive. My first relationship was with a boy I met at school. He was a couple of years older and your typical private school rich boy. Oh, he was nice at first. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have missed the warning signs. They were so obvious. It wasn’t long until I saw him for the abusive jerk that he was. It sucks. I mean you tell yourself over and over when you’re growing up that you won’t ever be one of those women who gets caught in a bad relationship, or that stays. But you never really know what you would do until you are in that situation. It was hell. It was like walking on eggshells all the time and having to be careful with what I said and did ALL THE TIME. I’m so ashamed of myself because I stayed for so long. I learned quickly and the hard way that fighting back only made it worse. I took his abuse for months. I wanted out but it was so hard. After every fight he’d tell me he was sorry and promise that it would never happen again. And then it would. I wanted so badly to believe him when he told me he would change. I never believed him, not really, but still I stayed. The worst part is that no one knew, not my friends or my family. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, mainly because for some reason I felt like maybe I’d done something to deserve. I hadn’t, but that’s what I thought at the time. It took more than a year and me leaving campus, but I finally got out. It wasn’t easy getting past something like that. I don’t think you ever completely forget. It changes you. Afterwards, I pretty much stayed clear away from relationships. I wasn’t a saint, but nothing was never serious. I’ve had relationships since, none coming close to being worth mentioning. My most recent one ended months ago. Honestly, I don’t think it can even be considered a relationship. It was more of a casual arrangement. To save time, I’ll give the short version. If I were to give the long version, I would be at this for days, literally. Besides, I’ll probably bring up the topic in future posts.

So here goes. He was a bartender part-time at a local bar my friends and I would usually frequent. He was a lot older than myself. It was a long time before I even noticed him, to be honest. Age was a factor somewhat, but it was mainly due to the fact that I was actually coming out of a relationship. Anyways, one night I got really drunk and one thing led to another. I honestly never expected it to go past that one night. Somehow it did. Looking back, I don’t know how it happened. It just did. From the very beginning he was secretive. That should have been a sign telling me to run away and not look back. But the stupid, naive girl that I was, I stayed. It turned out that my instincts were dead-on. He had a family. A girlfriend he’d been with for 16 years and a baby girl. By the time I learned the truth, it was too late. I had already fallen for him, fallen hard. I know it was wrong and I hate myself for what I did, but I allowed it to continue. In my defense, I loved him. I really did. It sounds absurd, but he was my first love. I wondered then and I ask myself still, why him? Why did I have to fall for a guy like him? He lied to me and he used me. He knew I cared and he used that to his advantage. The worst part is that I let him do it. I knew that every time he left me, he was going home to her. I never met her but I hated her. I hated her because she had his heart and years of history. She knew who he was and I couldn’t even get him to tell me his middle name. I threw away my morals for him and for what? For a quick hookup on some back road? It hurt so much to keep it going, but I couldn’t walk away no matter how bad I wanted to. All I ever was to him was his “dirty little secret”. I’ve never cried so much as I did with him. That’s not to say that it was all his fault. I accept my share of the blame. He might not have made direct promises, but he did mislead me. I have to give him credit, it’s only fair. He was good. He knew just what to say to keep me around, to keep me hanging on his thread…

It lasted 15 months. I did what should have been done a long time before. I let the truth to be known. My only satisfaction was that I surprised him. I don’t think he ever expected me to have the nerve to actually do it. He underestimated me. Eventually you just get to a point where you’ve been hurt so much, that you need to do something, anything, to get back some of the control you’ve lost. Needless to say, we definitely did not end on good terms. It was ugly. Words, insults, and accusations were thrown around. Things were said and done that can never be forgiven or taken back. The only good thing that came from it all was that I was finally able to see him for who he really was. Doing what I did was hard and it hurt like hell, but it was inevitable. It was better for everyone this way. He hates me and for that I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do about that. He broke my heart and I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that. They say that time will heal the pain, but it doesn’t.

He will never know how I cried myself to sleep for weeks after, or how long it took for me to even think about him without crying. It has been nearly 8 months now and I can honestly say that I am okay. The pain I feel is bittersweet but I would rather have that than feel nothing at all. I don’t even hate him, to the dismay of others. I am sure I could easily find a reason to if I wanted to, but I don’t. We were both wrong to do what we did. It was selfish. But I don’t regret it or him. In the end, he showed me how it feels to love. He was my first love and the first to break my heart, but he won’t be the last. I’ve let him go. I loved him. I still do. I probably always will. Now I know what people mean when they say the first love is the best and the worst.

So yes, I’m a little jaded you could say. I’ve changed a lot. I’m happy though, for the most part. I am no longer quite so naive. But that’s ok. So like the song says, he will always be a part of me. I’m okay with that. Truly. For now, anyhow…



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