THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Absentmindedly Thinking Of You. April 1, 2010

Here are some amazing lyrics from a song I can’t seem to get out of my head, that I thought I would share. The song is called “Almost Lover” and it’s from a band called A Fine Frenzy.

VERSE: Your fingertips across my skin / The palm trees swaying in the wind / Images / You sang me Spanish lullabies / The sweetest sadness in your eyes / Clever trick.

CHORUS : Well I never want to see you unhappy / I thought you’d want the same for me / Goodbye my almost lover / Goodbye my hopeless dream / I’m trying not to think about you / Can’t you just let me be? / So long my luckless romance / My back is turned on you / Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache / Almost lovers always do.

VERSE: We walked along a crowded street / You took my hand and danced with me / Images / And when you left you kissed my lips / You told me you would never forget these images.

VERSE: I cannot go to the ocean / I cannot drive the streets at night / I cannot wake up in the morning / Without you on my mind / So you’re gone and I’m haunted / And I’ll bet you’re doing just fine / Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? / Goodbye my almost lover…

*****

So those are the lyrics. Sorry, I have a thing with sappy songs. But personally, they are the best kind. They’re a good reminder of that life isn’t always pretty. And that life is real. It’s messy and sometimes it’s just plain raw. Pure and simple. These lyrics feel personal to me. It easily relates to what I’m going through right now. The last lines of the lyrics are exactly what I’m feeling. I’m constantly asking myself how everything got so bad. It’s like one day I was so happy and the next I had hit rock bottom. It has a little to do with Mr. Should’ve-known-better. Not entirely though. It has alot to do with how much I’ve changed in the past months. I miss him far more than I want to admit. I shouldn’t though, right? I don’t know why. The most random things remind me of him. Lyrics in a song, a movie, even a stranger on the street. Most of the time it’s okay really. But then there are the moments when it hits hard, like a painful blow that comes out of nowhere. Sometimes I will just cry for hours until there are no tears left. It helps a little. It’s better than keeping it all inside until one day I just have a total breakdown. I won’t lie. I’ve had a few of those already.

It’s just these simple little moments when I think about him, wondering how he is and if he’s happy. I don’t bother with what-ifs anymore. Those are just a waste of time. I know this is for the best. It’s just a little hard to accept some times, that’s all. I miss calling him at work, bothering him just to hear his voice. I miss him skipping my songs on the jukebox because they’re too sappy and girlie. I miss him calling me sunshine. I miss how happy I felt when I was with him even though I knew he would have to leave eventually. God, it felt so right, even though I know in my head that it was wrong. I haven’t seen him in so long. Logically, I know that there’s eventually going to come the day when we run into each other for the first time. Honestly,I’m surprised we haven’t already, seeing how small the area is. In a way, I’m glad we haven’t, mainly because I don’t know how it will be. Would I recognize him? Would he recognize me? I have this reoccurring dream where I just stand there and say nothing. Sometimes I just cry and flee. I’m scared of seeing the hate and anger in his eyes. And what I’m most afraid of is seeing this guy who is nothing like the one in my memories.

He’s not the only one I miss though. I miss me. I miss the happy, exciting life I once had. Before it got so bad, I had a life. It may not have been perfect or great, but at least I was satisfied with it. Now I feel like there is something missing. This empty void. I keep searching but I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for. I used to go out with my friends all the time, too much maybe. And that bar where it all first began I can’t even look at it when I drive by. I haven’t gone out, not even once, since it happened. It wasn’t entirely because of him, although a part of me was scared of running into him. It was like a switch just turned off in my head. I needed time to think, time to cry, and more than anything, I needed time to get my life back together. In doing so, I pushed away a lot of people. My friends and my family, the people who care about me. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I was so afraid of letting them see me broken like that. I didn’t want their concern or opinions, and I really didn’t want their pity. I also didn’t want to hear I told you so. I knew I had messed up, I didn’t need to have it thrown in my face. I gave up everything. That bar that holds so many memories- I can’t even step foot inside, afraid of remembering what was lost and seeing everyone who knew but never said a thing. I barely talk to my friends anymore. When I do, I pretend I’m doing fine. But they know. I know they do. I’ve changed a lot, in a good way mostly. I’m not as irresponsible and reckless like I was. I’ve done a lot of growing up, but that was inevitable, with or without what happened. The wild parties, pulling all-nighters, and getting so trashed that I can barely remember my own name- those just aren’t me anymore. I realize now that all I was doing was running away from reality. I was good at that. But I’m tired of running. I actually made an attempt to test the waters again, so to speak, last week. I decided to go out, totally last minute. So I went to a bar with my friends. I was probably only there for less than an hour, but within a minute of stepping thru the doors, I wanted nothing more than to turn around, run home, and lock myself in the safe haven of my apartment. It was loud and crowded and I couldn’t stop shaking. My hands shook so bad I spilled most of the water in the cup I was holding. It was overwhelming and I felt like crying. I was so embarrassed, even though I knew everyone else was too drunk to even notice how uncomfortable I felt. And I did. That used to be my life and standing there after all this time, I realized that I didn’t miss it one bit. It’s as if that life belongs to a complete stranger, a girl I no longer am and have no desire to be again. So yeah. I should give this post a rest or I’ll end up with a whole book instead of a blog. (then again, that’s not such a bad idea haha just kidding.) Until next time.

xoxo,
MESSIE

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