Hey there old friend aka blog… guess I should start off with an apology for being away for so long. it just doesn’t seem like months have passed, and yet they have. to be honest, i feel like it’s all just been a blur. so much has happened, and yet i find myself at a loss for what to say. it’s kind of upsetting, because the one thing i’ve actually relied on for so long are words. and now they just don’t seem to be enough. there have been so many times over the past months that i’ve sat down to write, only to find myself staring at this blank screen– almost like a metaphor for what my life has to become, to tell you the truth. i couldn’t understand it. i mean, i would sit there, totally oblivious of the time passing or anything else, really. i literally had months and pages of moments and experiences and emotions i could write about, but nonetheless, i’d leave the screen as blank as i had found it.
i feel different. not me. and i know that sounds crazy and irrational and god knows all the other psychological terms that could possibly fit–but it is what it is. to be completely honest, i’m not even sure who “me” really is anymore. i mean, i have all these images and memories, but they don’t feel like mine, you know? it’s like they belong to someone else. it’s actually pretty pathetic, i guess, if you think about it. no one really has a clue. it’s true. i’ve gotten so great at pretending to be okay when i’m not, that i’ve fooled everyone. myself, even. i smile and laugh, but it’s all a lie. i’m so used to being what everyone expects. i’ve always been like that. in school, it was always straight-a’s and doing the right thing. i know i sound so ungrateful but i never wanted any of it. i just…i just wanted to make everyone happy, i guess. it sounds childish and immature, but all i really wanted was to show everyone, just once, just how imperfect i truly was. or at least how imperfect i felt. i just wanted to be real. talk about irony.
i wish i could put in words how hard this is. hell, to just explain it a little better at least. but i can’t. it’s literally impossible, because i’m still trying to figure it out myself. it’s not as easy as people may think, figuring out at what point in your life when everything just started to go to hell and back. it’s not. i’m not being difficult, i just really don’t know. not really. it’s a culmination of things, i guess. life. in black and white. it’s not always pretty. i mean, there can’t be happiness without sorrow, right? there aren’t lessons learned unless mistakes are made first. i guess that’s my problem, kind of. i’m trying to put a label on this– to pinpoint this one thing that started it all, or something i can blame for everything. it just can’t happen.
i haven’t just changed these past months. it’s so much more than that. in trying just to somehow come out of this in one piece, i’ve lost and broken so much. i’ve pushed away a lot of people, for reasons that i’m not sure i even am aware of yet. or maybe i just don’t want there to be a reason. i’m not sure which. people who didn’t deserve to be shut out the way i shut them out. friends. good people who cared about me and maybe still do. i don’t know why, it just sort of happened. so much was going on, so much had happened and is still happening and i just–it was easier to deal with it on my own, than lean on anyone else. i know that sounds crazy, but after everything that i’ve been through this past year– i just got so used to keeping everyone at arms-length. some of the people i’ve shut out–well good riddance, is all i can say. but there are those that i desperately miss. i don’t think they realize how badly i wish i could take it all back, just to have the right to pick up the phone and call them, to tell them how sorry i am; just to have a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to—the way it used to be. but that’s gone. it’s been too long, too late. i see these friends i grew up with, and it’s like a lifetime has passed. they’ve changed. and godknows so have i.
i never thought i’d be here, like this. not at twenty-three, at least. i shouldn’t have this pain, these regrets…but i do. i’ve given up and sacrificed far more than i should have even had to, that anyone should have to. and for what? this happy, pretty future that to be honest, i’m not even sure exists anymore, except in some make-believe fantasy world.
so yeah…sorry for the depressing post. i think it was definitely long overdue…