THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Epitome Of Imperfection. October 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — MESSIE @ 8:06 am
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I was bored earlier, so I decided to sit down, put pen to paper, and this was the result…It’s Untitled.

~I still remember, still think about that night.
Sometimes.
You and me, and not a care in the world.
You called me late that night,
and I was half asleep.
Hearing your voice, I didn’t hesitate.
I was wide awake.
Pulled on my clothes, grabbed the keys,
I was out the door before the light turned green.
I remember that night.
It changed my life.
I remember that it felt so right.
Drove down a dark and isolated road,
then parked and turned the engine off.
Slipped in the back, into your arms.
Just me and you.
And a blanket made of stars.
Your lips touched mine,
in a sweet kiss that seemed to last forever.
Looked in your eyes and thought to myself,
“this has to be heaven.”
I remember every minute of that night.
How it felt like I’d been waiting for it my entire life.
You never said the words,
but baby, you didn’t have to.
I already knew.
Godknows, I felt it, too.
I could feel your heart racing,
and I knew mine was, too.
I’ve never felt so alive,
as I did in those few hours I spent with you.
Falling asleep in your strong arms,
felt like I’d had everything I’d always wanted.
Your breath on my skin in a sweet caress, your body pressed to mine.
How could something be that perfect,
and at the same time, be such a sin?
I remember you woke up, kissed my shoulder from behind.
You thought me asleep,
but I was only lying still.
A simple, sweet gesture, but for me so much more.
You made me feel so safe, you even made me believe,
that happily-ever-after could happen for me.
But there are just some things that are never meant to be.
Such a beautiful and perfect memory,
but we lost it.
Now, I wish every day,
for the chance to have it all back.
But that night, all the memories,
they are now all in the past.
The words that were said, out of anger and fear,
and all the hurt that we created,
will never be forgotten; can never be forgiven.
Now all that remains of those days,
are the things we want so badly but can never change;
And receipts from the dues we had no choice but to pay.
Things like that,
just never seem to go away.
But at least I know I’ll be okay,
someday.~

**I guess I still have a little bit of poetry still on my mind. I think I’m starting to realize that it’s time. Time to move on, time to get back to the living. I can’t keep doing this, living this away. Scared of letting go, even though I’m only making things worse. Putting off the inevitable, I guess. It’s not good for me, I know it’s not. And it’s not fair to me. All this is doing is holding me back, stopping me from getting on with my life. I need to move on. Being like this is tearing me apart. It really is. I’m afraid of forgetting. Afraid to start all over again. Terrified. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look in a mirror, and it’s like this stranger’s face is staring back at me. I keep asking myself who. Who is she? Who is that girl? Am I her? I keep asking, but there are no answers. I used to be happy. My life used to BE something. Now it’s empty. And cold. It’s so very cold. More than anything, I miss who I used to be. I miss the things I used to do. The little things. Talking to and hanging out with my friends, going out and having a good time now and then. And laughing. I miss laughing. Real laughter, not the pretend kind. It sounds so fake, even to me. I want to stop feeling like this, but I don’t know how. How do I fix this? Do I force myself to forget–to not care? Then what? Will it magically make things better somehow? Or will it just bring more pain, more hurt? I have all these memories and I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t even know what to believe anymore–or what I want. I’m numb.

God, why does it have to be this damn hard? Why do I keep holding onto to something that never was anything. It was all a lie. One after another. I thought it was real, but was it really? Or was I only letting myself see what I wanted to see? Was I fooling myself? Everything is just so messed up. Everything. I know it’s for the best. That it’s the right thing to do. But then why does it feel so wrong? Why do I feel like my heart is breaking and that my whole world is spinning out of control? I need to know. I need to figure things out. I need to let go. The memories, the guilt. And him. I need to pick up the pieces he left. I need to I need to take back the control that I lost when he walked away. I need to live. As scared as I am, it’s time. Time to say goodbye…

Xoxo
MESSIE

 

Saturday Musings… October 9, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — MESSIE @ 10:23 pm
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Happy Saturday! I love the weekend, when it’s quiet and not as hectic or all over the place, like it is during the week. Went for a walk earlier. It’s a beautiful autumn day. The sun was shining. Might as well enjoy it now, since before we know it, winter will be here and snow will be on the ground. Now I’m back home, relaxing and multitasking. Painting my nails black in lieu of Halloween coming up (well that, and because I seem to have a thing for the color black these days), listening to some of my favorite songs, all while the aroma of just-out-of-the-oven vanilla cupcakes fills my apartment. Yummy. Doesn’t get much better than that. And yes, I’m a dork but I don’t mind being one. Since I’m not really in a psychological, share-my-deepest-thoughts kind of mood, you’ll have to suffer thru yet another lyrics post. As a bonus, I’ll even throw in a poem I wrote a few months back. Okay, here goes…

Lyrics first. I’ll start with a couple Kelly Clarkson classics from my playlist. Up first is “Behind These Hazel Eyes.”

VERSE: Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me. I used to stand so tall. I used to be so strong. Your arms around me tight. Everything, it felt so right. Unbreakable. Like nothing could go wrong. Now I can’t breathe. No, I can’t sleep. I’m barely hanging on.

CHORUS: Here I am. Once again. I’m torn into pieces. Can’t deny it, can’t pretend. Just thought you were the one. Broken up, deep inside. But you won’t get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes.

VERSE: I told you everything. Opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright, for once in my life. Now all that’s left of me, is what I pretend to be. So together, but so broken up inside.

VERSE: Swallow me, then spit me out. For hating you, I blame myself. Seeing you, it kills me now. No, I don’t cry on the outside, anymore. Anymore…

** Well…at least it’s honest. Makes you think about things. Life. How people can be so cruel and selfish, using you at their convenience, only to walk away when they no longer have use for you. Harsh, but true. People let you down. Disappoint you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this past year, it’s that the only person you can ever really trust in this world is yourself. That no matter what you tell yourself or want so badly to believe it’s true, you never really know a person. You just don’t. It’s life. You learn from your mistakes, pick up the pieces the best you can, and hope like hell you will be smarter the next time around. Trust is a slippery slope. There’s this saying: “fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” it fits. Anyways, getting back on track. That song wasn’t too bad, not in comparison to the next, that is. It’s part of a genre I like to fondly refer to as “the punkish/bitchy genre.” LOL. Again, here’s Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again.”

VERSE: I hope the ring you gave to her, turns her finger green. I hope when you’re in bed with her, you think of me. I would never wish bad things, but I don’t wish you well. Can you tell, by the flames that burned around? I never read your letter. ‘Cause I knew what you’d say. Give me that Sunday School answer. Try and make it all okay.

CHORUS: Does it hurt, to know I’ll never be there? Bet it sucks, seeing my face everywhere. It was you, who chose to end it like you did. I was the last to know. You knew, exactly what you would do. And don’t say, you simply lost your way. SHE may believe you, but I never will. Never again.

VERSE: If she really knows the truth, she deserves you. A trophy wife, OH HOW CUTE. Ignorance is bliss. But when your day comes and he’s through with you, (and he’ll be through with you) you’ll die together, but alone. You wrote me in a letter. You couldn’t say it right to my face. Well, give me that Sunday School answer. Repent yourself away!!

VERSE: Never again, will I hear you. Never again, will I miss you. Never again, will I fall to you. Never. Never again, will I kiss you. Never again, will I want to. Never again, will I love you. Never.

VERSE: Does it hurt, to know I’ll never be there? Bet it sucks, seeing my face everywhere. It was YOU, who chose to end it like you did. I was the last to know. You knew, exactly what you would do. Don’t say you simply lost your way. THEY may believe you, but I never will. NEVER AGAIN.

**Yep–definitely not sweet or nice, that one. Now, to save myself and others the aggravation of subsequent “hate comments”, I feel as though it would be remiss of me to not include a disclaimer. So here’s one. So that everyone is clear on the subject– these are JUST song lyrics. I did NOT write them. Nor am I using them in a subtle reference to ANY individuals. Understood? Alright then. Now for the poem. I want to say that this was written months ago, by me, and that while it is intended for a particular individual, it is not however my intention to accuse, insult, or create conflict, past or present. Again, please no hate comments.

I’m not a poet or anything, I simply like to dabble in different prose sometimes, poetry being one of them. I entitled it “The First And Last Poem I’ll Ever Write For You.” hmm, catchy.

So I’m leaving this place, a tad bit jaded.
I don’t really know.
Why not figure it out yourself,
seeing how you’re the reason why.
You seem to think you know me oh so well.
Rest assured, you do not.
You’re simply just another reason,
why I’m unable to trust, to care, to love anyone else.
Thought I had you all figured out,
turns out I was merely fooling myself.
You’re a phony; an illusion with a knack for playing head games.
But now I’m done, for real this time.
Go and play your childish games on someone else.
It’s damn near time I stopped caring, you see.
You’re not that worth it.
Just another player in my misery.
I should have known better,
should have listened to the warnings,
and not have ignored all those obvious signs.
Telling me to stay away,
to let you go.
If only I had known.
Even after all this time,
you managed to remain a part of me.
But you’ve bruised my pride for the last time.
And you’ve shattered all I thought was true.
I’m leaving with the pieces you left behind,
of my heart that you so carelessly broke.
I should tell you, before I go.
That I’d have given you it all,
if only you felt it too.
But with time, I’ve realized
You’re too damn selfish to understand.
I was just another pawn,
In that fucked-up game you like to play.
But no more, GAMEOVER.
I’m jaded, yes it’s true.
But you never got what it was you wanted
nor was the aftermath like what you had expected.
You never broke me down,
though I’m sure you tried your hardest.
Too little, too late.
I’m finally letting go.
Maybe you will one day realize,
all that you have lost and what will never be.
You’ll feel my pain someday,
you’ll drown in all the shame.
I hope you know I hate you.
Because my love for you is what it should be,
just another regret-filled memory.

Xoxo
MESSIE

 

Having Been Said. October 3, 2010

I have only one thing left to say, which is that aforementioned individuals have far too much time on their hands. In addition, those individuals should really rethink their actions and words, as they are contradicting and adding to their foolish & egotistical perception of themselves. Claiming to not be interested in what I’ve written, only to prove otherwise by continuing to read said posts. But then, who am I to judge such an obvious display of irrevocable misfortune and lack of intelligence. That being said, let’s move on…

So I went through all my posts just now and realized that I have yet to credit the source behind the chosen title for my blog. If you have yet to notice, I am irrefutably obsessed with song lyrics. The inspiration for my blog title comes from a song by Taylor Swift, entitled “Cold as You.” here are the rest of the lyrics…

VERSE:

You have a way of coming easily to me / And when you take, you take the very best of me / So I start a fight / ’cause I need to feel something / And you do what you want / ’cause I’m not what you wanted.

CHORUS:

Oh what a shame / What a rainy ending given to a perfect day / Just walk away / Ain’t any use defending words that you will never say / And now that I’m sitting here / thinking it through / I’ve never been anywhere COLD AS YOU.

VERSE:

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray / And I stood there loving you and wished them all away / And you come away with a great little story / Of a mess of a dreamer, with the nerve to adore you..

VERSE:
You never did give a damn thing, honey / But I cried, cried for you / And I know you wouldn’t have told nobody if I’d died / Died for you / Every smile you make is so condescending / Counting all the scars you made / So now that I’m sitting here thinking it through / I’ve never been anywhere cold as you. Cold. As. You.

**Pretty self-explanatory, I think…yeah.

xoxo
MESSIE

 

 
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