Epitome Of Imperfection.

I was bored earlier, so I decided to sit down, put pen to paper, and this was the result…It’s Untitled.

~I still remember, still think about that night.
Sometimes.
You and me, and not a care in the world.
You called me late that night,
and I was half asleep.
Hearing your voice, I didn’t hesitate.
I was wide awake.
Pulled on my clothes, grabbed the keys,
I was out the door before the light turned green.
I remember that night.
It changed my life.
I remember that it felt so right.
Drove down a dark and isolated road,
then parked and turned the engine off.
Slipped in the back, into your arms.
Just me and you.
And a blanket made of stars.
Your lips touched mine,
in a sweet kiss that seemed to last forever.
Looked in your eyes and thought to myself,
“this has to be heaven.”
I remember every minute of that night.
How it felt like I’d been waiting for it my entire life.
You never said the words,
but baby, you didn’t have to.
I already knew.
Godknows, I felt it, too.
I could feel your heart racing,
and I knew mine was, too.
I’ve never felt so alive,
as I did in those few hours I spent with you.
Falling asleep in your strong arms,
felt like I’d had everything I’d always wanted.
Your breath on my skin in a sweet caress, your body pressed to mine.
How could something be that perfect,
and at the same time, be such a sin?
I remember you woke up, kissed my shoulder from behind.
You thought me asleep,
but I was only lying still.
A simple, sweet gesture, but for me so much more.
You made me feel so safe, you even made me believe,
that happily-ever-after could happen for me.
But there are just some things that are never meant to be.
Such a beautiful and perfect memory,
but we lost it.
Now, I wish every day,
for the chance to have it all back.
But that night, all the memories,
they are now all in the past.
The words that were said, out of anger and fear,
and all the hurt that we created,
will never be forgotten; can never be forgiven.
Now all that remains of those days,
are the things we want so badly but can never change;
And receipts from the dues we had no choice but to pay.
Things like that,
just never seem to go away.
But at least I know I’ll be okay,
someday.~

**I guess I still have a little bit of poetry still on my mind. I think I’m starting to realize that it’s time. Time to move on, time to get back to the living. I can’t keep doing this, living this away. Scared of letting go, even though I’m only making things worse. Putting off the inevitable, I guess. It’s not good for me, I know it’s not. And it’s not fair to me. All this is doing is holding me back, stopping me from getting on with my life. I need to move on. Being like this is tearing me apart. It really is. I’m afraid of forgetting. Afraid to start all over again. Terrified. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look in a mirror, and it’s like this stranger’s face is staring back at me. I keep asking myself who. Who is she? Who is that girl? Am I her? I keep asking, but there are no answers. I used to be happy. My life used to BE something. Now it’s empty. And cold. It’s so very cold. More than anything, I miss who I used to be. I miss the things I used to do. The little things. Talking to and hanging out with my friends, going out and having a good time now and then. And laughing. I miss laughing. Real laughter, not the pretend kind. It sounds so fake, even to me. I want to stop feeling like this, but I don’t know how. How do I fix this? Do I force myself to forget–to not care? Then what? Will it magically make things better somehow? Or will it just bring more pain, more hurt? I have all these memories and I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t even know what to believe anymore–or what I want. I’m numb.

God, why does it have to be this damn hard? Why do I keep holding onto to something that never was anything. It was all a lie. One after another. I thought it was real, but was it really? Or was I only letting myself see what I wanted to see? Was I fooling myself? Everything is just so messed up. Everything. I know it’s for the best. That it’s the right thing to do. But then why does it feel so wrong? Why do I feel like my heart is breaking and that my whole world is spinning out of control? I need to know. I need to figure things out. I need to let go. The memories, the guilt. And him. I need to pick up the pieces he left. I need to I need to take back the control that I lost when he walked away. I need to live. As scared as I am, it’s time. Time to say goodbye…

Xoxo
MESSIE

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