Hello Blog. Yours truly, here on this uneventful Saturday night. And by uneventful, I pretty much mean that I am bored out of my mind. It’s hard to believe that, not too long ago, my weekends were totally different from they are now. Its sort of surreal. I used to have a social life. A good one, for the most part. Going out on the weekends with friends was practically a given. It was somewhat of an unspoken agreement between us, a routine even. We rarely ever bothered with plans before-hand, seeing how we always knew that we would end up hanging out or doing something come the weekend. It was simple, which was good. Less drama. I guess you could say that we just let the night take us wherever and however way it wanted. Oh yeah, those were some of the best days of our lives. Looking back, I can’t help but smile at the crazy things we did. We were young and simply just having fun. I miss those days. More than you know. But that’s just way life goes. Things change. You grow up. I don’t regret the crazy things we did, as reckless and daring as they were sometimes. Or the drunken stupid fights, dancing on bars and making total fools of ourselves, driving in cars with boys and staying out all night when we had to work the next morning. I don’t regret any of it. I miss it. By that, I don’t mean the actual things, just the feeling of it all. It’s a funny thing, growing up. You live and you learn from all those mistakes you made, you “grow” from it all–and yet, you end up missing the simplicity of it all. It’s difficult to explain. I’ve grown up, I’ve learned–and yet there are moments when I would give just about anything to go back, back to when it was all so much easier. When I didn’t have so much to worry about, or have so much weight of responsibility on my shoulders. Oh, to be young again… Sigh. 🙂
Sorry, a little too dramatic just then. I’m still young. Technically. I say it like that because although I know that 23 years old (soon to be 24) is young, there are times when I honestly feel as though I’ve already lived a hundred years. Hmm, I guess that must be the lack of sleep talking. But still. It would be nice to be 17 years old again sometimes, you know? To have your biggest concern be the dilemma of how and where you’re going to spend your weekend. It all seems so simple and insignificant compared to the responsibilities that come (free of charge) with adulthood. Bills, work, rent, kids–seriously, where is that EASY button???!!
Alright already, enough with the whole “woe is me, I wanna be a toys-r-us kid again” melodrama. The culprit? Serious coffee/caffeine withdrawal LOL. Coffee–yeah, I must be a grown-up. So anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, just another boring Saturday night, sitting here in my apartment in my pj’s watching Sex & The City 2. I think I achieved (and passed) boredom hours ago, but oh well. I love this movie! Surprisingly, considering I never was a big fan of the show. It’s just my opinion, of course, but I definitely think they did better with this movie than the first. I mean, Liza Minnelli performing “Single Ladies”–what a riot. I just love the whole premise, to be honest. You have four 40 or 50-something best friends, trying to prove that they still have “it”. Its something. I don’t know. Maybe its the caffeine withdrawal or whatever, but I can’t help but wonder what the future holds. I don’t necessarily mean when I’m 50 years old obviously. I mean the immediate future. Whats to come in the next five or ten years. Heck, just in the next month or a week, even.
Believe it or not, I used to think I had it all figured out. My life, my future–all of it. And now–well, now I honestly just don’t know anymore. I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I get for thinking. For making plans. Hell, for assuming I have even the slightest bit of control over what happens in my life. If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past two or three years, it’s that even with the best-laid plans, you just never know whats going to happen. You don’t. My life is proof of that. I mean, never in my wildest dreams, did I think I would be here. Whats HERE exactly? Well, here is being is 23-years-old, jaded, cynical, heartbroken, and just plain uncertain. Here is being messed up and fucked up (excuse my language) in more ways than I can count. But that’s life for you, right down to the nitty-gritty.
I’m not sure what I expected exactly. But I know that it wasnt this. I guess you could say that I had somewhat of a “peter pan syndrome”. By that I mean that I had these bigger-than-life dreams that were essentially pointless, considering that I was scared as hell to grow up. I guess that in some irrational and unrealistic way, I thought(and hoped really) that I could stay young forever. Realistically speaking, I knew it was inevitable. That like it or not, I would have to grow up eventually. I always thought that I had plenty of time, you know? But the problem with time, I have learned, is that there is never really enough. Time is short. It comes and goes in the blink of an eye, leaving you with whiplash. Or at least, that’s how it seems to me. That said, I was without a doubt, unprepared. I wasnt ready. Not for any of it. Particularly, the growing up part. But then again, I don’t think anyone is ready for it.
Sometimes, you don’t have a choice. Or at least, I didn’t anyways. It’s different for everyone obviously. My reality check came one night when I was 16. I wasnt ready. But that’s life. I can honestly say that my entire life changed because of that night. Because of one reckless mistake that I never should have made. Because of one cruel, evil injustice. I grew up that night, in more ways than one. And to be completely honest, I think I’ve been running from reality ever since. The mind is an incredible and complex thing. It’s amazing how you can sometimes convince yourself of something; how easily you can force yourself to forget. Or at least that’s what you might think. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. As the saying goes, ‘you can run but you cant hide.’ Truer words have never been spoken. I say that because no matter how long you run, how far you go, or how badly you try to convince yourself otherwise–there’s no escape. I know that. A little too well.
Anyhow, I’m done running. I’m not doing it anymore. Its part of this whole “new me” deal. Maybe what happened that night all those years ago wasnt fair or right and never should have happened, but it did. Maybe I shouldnt have allowed it to take as much control over my life as it did, but I did. Its taken me a long time, but I have finally realized that while the blame of that night may not be mine, the blame of what has happened since IS. I chose to do the things that I have done. It was me and no one else. I did things that were wrong, that I KNEW were wrong. I’ve made mistakes and I have regrets. I’m not embarrassed or scared to say that I hit rock bottom a few times along the way. Why should I be? After all, it happens to everyone, right?
Call me crazy, but I like the life I have now. I like this “new me”, this person I have become. I mean that. Maybe none of this was part of the plan or what I pictured or imagined, but that’s okay. It sounds corny, but I feel alive for the first time in a long time. I have a new perspective on almost everything now. Life. Love. The past, the, the present and now, the future. While I’m not exactly happy, or proud, of all it took to get to this point, I’ve accepted it. It is what it is. Everything included.
I still have so much that needs to be done, and I admit, I have a long way to go. First things first, I have a lot of fences to mend, so to speak. Namely some friendships and other relationships. It might not make a lot of sense, but I think it helps that I don’t have as many expectations as I used to. That’s another lesson I’ve learned actually. The less you expect, the less likely you are to be disappointed or hurt in the end. In a way, maybe being a little jaded and cynical is a good thing. I guess we will find out, wont we…
Okie dokie, bedtime for this somewhat reformed wild child/mistake-makin’/caffeine junkie. Haha. Overall, I think my weekend has been, to some extent, mildly productive. Aside from new realizations and revelations, I even did some cleaning up and re-organization. Thanks to boredom, my apartment is super clean, dust-free, and smells of vanilla and cherries. Mhmm. LOL I am such a dork, but oh well. Comes with the territory of being a so-called “grown up” I think.
In all fairness to adulthood and its sidekick friend called maturity, it has its perks. The main one being the sense of freedom and independence you get by living on your own. Speaking of which, I love love love my little apartment. Its beginning to feel like home. Illogical I know, since I’ve technically been living here for oh–19 months! 🙂 It has this homey feeling to it now. It’s even starting to look lived-in. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lived here forever, or that I could. NOT that I’m planning on doing so. Call me sentimental, but there’s just something about your first apartment, you know? Technically, it’s not my first FIRST apartment. I had an apartment with my best friend years ago. But that didn’t work out so well, or that long, for that matter. Note to the wise: living with your best friends equals disaster. Besides, I was rarely ever there except to sleep, so it doesn’t really count I don’t think. Either way, this is my first “all my own” place. Definitely beats having roommates. I love that it’s all mine, that I can do whatever I want with it. In fact, I just recently got my landlord to give me the ok to go ahead and paint my room black. Yes, black! I’ve been bugging him for over a year now and I think I finally wore him down. So yep, black walls. Oh, he is sooo going to hate me when I move but I don’t care. I love it and its awesome.
Speaking of moving, I have some news. Exciting news actually. My landlord is going to need to buy a few gallons of white paint soon, because I will be relocating in a few months. Yep, you read right. I’ve already started looking for a new place, one that will be closer to school. Yes, school. I’ve decided to go back. Finally. I’ve already got the ball rolling, so to speak, so if everything goes according to plan, I will be hitting the books and back in classes this August. Hip hip hooray!! Sorry, if you can’t tell, I am pretty psyched. It probably seems sudden, but it’s really not. I’ve been checking into it and decided for sure a few months ago. I didn’t want to be presumptuous and post anything until things were a little more concrete. So yeah. Life is good. It really is. I’m happy, I truly am. I don’t even mind that its going to be hard as hell, seeing how things are a little more complex than when I left. I’m excited. I’m finally getting my life turned around and back together. I think its going to be really good. And trust me, its been a loooooong time coming….:)