THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Truth In The Lines of A Song… September 28, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — MESSIE @ 12:33 am
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So my best friend and I were hanging out a few weeks ago, listening to music and catching up on the chaos that has since become our lives…as this one particular song began to play by one of our mutually favorite artists, Sara Barielles, she stopped talking mid-sentence and said to me, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but this song–it’s you. It’s perfect.” And after listening to the lyrics, I couldn’t help but agree. Albeit it was bittersweet to admit. So rather than mull over and fill up page after page of my words, I’ll just share the lyrics and let them do the talking. They’re perfect.

ARTIST: Sara Barielles

TRACK: “Between The Lines”

VERSE:

Time to tell me the truth.

To burden your mouth for what you say.

No pieces of paper in the way.

‘Cause I can’t continue pretending to choose.

These opposite sides on which we fall.

The loving you laters–if at all–.

No right minds could be wrong, this many times.

VERSE:

My memory is cruel.

I’m queen of attention to details.

Defending intentions if he fails.

Until now, he told me her name.

It sounded familiar in a way.

That I could have sworn I’d heard him say it

Ten thousand times, oh, if only I had been listening…

CHORUS:

Leave unsaid, unspoken.

Eyes wide shut, unopened.

You and me always between the lines.

Between the lines.

VERSE:

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed.

That we’d move from the shadows on the wall.

Stand in the center of it all.

Too late, two choices, to stay or to leave.

Mine was so easy to uncover.

He’d already left with the other.

So I learned to listen through silence.

Leave unsaid, unspoken.

Eyes wide shut, unopened.

You and me will always be…

VERSE:

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say.

I’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on.

Wait for me, I’m almost ready when he meant let go.

Leave unsaid, unspoken.

Eyes wide shut, unopened.

You and me will always be–

You and me always between the lines.

BETWEEN THE LINES.

So yeah. I left shortly thereafter. Driving home, those lyrics played over and over in my head like a bad dream. But in a good way, I guess. It wasn’t until I pulled into the driveway that I realized I was crying. Yes, there were tears. But again, they were of the good sort. I think. I say that because they weren’t sad tears. Or bitter ones. Quite the opposite in fact. The lyrics, in a way, were just another reminder of how things had come full circle, so to speak. By that, I mean, it’s been two years. Two years since everything. Since HIM. It’s ironic, just how much has changed. How much I’VE changed. Hindsight, of course, is a funny and incredible thing you know. Looking at it now, I can’t believe all that happened–all that I LET happen, or how long it was allowed to continue. I know. Heck, I knew. Granted, I didn’t want to admit it. Not then. Not during. Not even for a long time afterwards. But I knew. The signs were all there. The words had been spoken so many times. But as the lyrics said, I didn’t want to listen. I was immune and naive and well–so many things. But the point is, none of that matters now. When I think of it all–it doesn’t seem real. I mean, I know those things happened, but it feels like it happened to someone else. Not to me. Some other girl. And they did. I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve grown up. I’ve moved on. I’ve let go. Of everything. Of that girl and that life, included.

I love my life now. Chaos and all. I’m happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished these past two years. Honestly, walking away turned out to be the best decision I could have made. If I hadn’t–well–I don’t even want to think of what might have happened. I have a feeling it wouldn’t have been good. And I didn’t want that. As for HIM–I guess you could say that I feel indifferent. I don’t hate him. I don’t. I’ve tried to–I’ll give you that. But I’ve realized that it’s just not worth it. And when it all boils down to it–I don’t WANT to hate him. What’s done is done. I regret some of my actions, but I don’t regret IT. If that makes any logical sense. In loving him–I learned so much. And in letting go–I learned so much more. In the end, I found myself. I’m happy now. So it’s for the best. All in all. I think…I hope…

xoxo MESSIE

 

Happy, No Thanks To You… September 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — MESSIE @ 6:03 pm
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A Poem…

I saw you tonight.
There you were, standing there with her.
Memories came flooding back,
Unwanted ones at that.
Came in just like the ocean’s tide,
pulling me under, under to the dark side.
Too much, too fast–
truth be told, I wasn’t prepared for that.
Pictured that moment,
at least a million times.
Wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought–
thought for sure it would break my heart.
Ironically, it did not.
Even so, I stood frozen in that spot,
trying to decide whether to run away or not.
That state of confusion,
in which I resided for so long–
was finally gone.
Seeing you with her,
I couldn’t help but feel so ashamed.
For the wrong that I’d done,
the hurt that was caused,
and mistakes that were made.
For the role that I played,
I accept the blame.
Looking at you,
it was so bittersweet.
For I realized just then,
you weren’t the man I remembered you as.
A stranger’s face was all I could see.
Proving I didn’t know you, and you didn’t know me.
And that’s just the way it is,
and how it has to be.
Two years have come and gone.
I let go.
I moved on.
Time now for me to embrace the new me.
The girl that doesn’t need anyone
to feel complete.
Or happy.
You’re not the man I once loved and knew.
And I’m not the girl you played for a fool.
Not anymore, she’s gone too.
Because of that–
I do thank you.
For all is well, it’s for the best.
I lived. I learned.
I’m happy.
No thanks to you….

 

 
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