On The Right Track…

So it’s been duly noted that I’ve been somewhat remiss in my blogging lately. Sorry. It’s been a whirlwind past couple of months–what with school and work and well–those are basically it. It sounds so boring, but it is what it is. If I’m not in class, I’m usually at work. And vice versa.

Speaking of work–things are really going great. Have I mentioned that I started a new job bartending a few months ago? Well, I did. Honestly, I wasn’t too keen on the whole idea at first. It just seemed so cliché–going to school full-time and bartending at night to pay the bills…you know. But I knew that if I really wanted to get myself back on track with school–then I’d have to say goodbye to that 9-5 world. So I did. And now, I’m very happy and quite satisfied with the decision I made. For starters, with bartending–I’ve finally found something that I actually like doing. A job that I don’t dread going to, unlike the monotonous ones I’ve had in the past. Most of the time, it doesn’t feel like work it all. Rather, it feels like I’m getting paid to pretty much just socialize and have fun. Which is great. The people I work with are so nice and just really down-to-earth. It sounds so corny, but already it seems like we’ve all been friends for years. I love it.

I’ll admit, it was a little overwhelming at first. It definitely took some getting used to. I was intimidated by it all initially. It was a little out of my comfort-zone, so to speak. By that, I mean that at the time, I’d grown accustomed to living in this quiet little world that I’d created for myself after everything with you know who. I’d become a completely different person that I had been. I hadn’t gone out or socialized or even stepped foot in a bar in nearly two years by then. It wasn’t that I couldn’t go out or do those things–it was that I preferred not to. Not to start rehashing on everything again, but a lot of people thought that the reason I chose not to do those things was mainly due to him and what had happened. Not that it mattered to me what they believed or thought–but it just wasn’t true. I wasn’t running away from life or what from what had happened. And I most definitely wasn’t hiding out from him. Definitely NOT. Granted it’s true that I wasn’t too keen on the idea or possibility that I might run into him at one point or another–but that wasn’t the reason. It took me a long time to realize it, but eventually I did. I realized that what I’d been doing wasn’t right. That the life I was living wasn’t the life I wanted and that I was on a road to nowhere. But most importantly, I realized that I loathed with all my being what–moreover, who–I had become. After that, I just couldn’t do it anymore. By “it” I mean the partying and drinking and well…all of it. I’d literally hit rock-bottom at that point. I’d lost so much–given up even more. I’d screwed up my life and in the process of doing that–I caused a lot of damage. While it wasn’t intentional, it was still my doing. Mine. That said, it was up to me to fix it. So that’s what I set out to do. I stopped doing those things that I mentioned. I stayed away from temptation and trouble and drama.

Admittedly, I may have taken things to the extreme a little–especially with the way I wrote off my friends and that life completely for nearly an entire year. In hindsight, I do regret doing that–and that alone. I hurt a lot of people by doing what I did. And myself. I guess you could say that the small comfort I have is that–that knowing that I suffered too for my decision to just walk away. And I did suffer. It was pure hell–unimaginably so–it being that way. I had no one. I’d pushed away all my friends and spoke to no one. I even kept my family at arms’ length. I didn’t let anyone in–didn’t let anyone see what was really happening and going on in my life. I scared and worried a lot of people. Hell, I even scared myself sometimes. As much as it sucked though–on some level–I think I needed that. That I needed the time and space and distance just to clear my head–to figure everything out. Albeit it took far longer than I expected it would for me to do that, but I did. And that’s all that really counts.

One of the down-sides to what I did though was that I changed a lot. At some point, I’d gone from being this outgoing, fun-loving party girl to this quiet and shy introvert. Bartending seems to have changed that though. Which is a good thing, I think. Not that I’ve reverted to my old ways or anything, because let’s face it–that’s not going to happen. Of that I’m certain. It’s actually pretty funny. The people I work with will sometimes tease me about how much I’ve changed the past couple of months–mainly how I went from being this timid little bit of a girl who was almost too shy to ask for a drink order–to rounding up unruly drunks and kicking them out of the bar when two o’clock comes around. I have no problem yelling over the bar or cutting off the ones that have had too much. I even stand my ground when it comes to those sloppy-touchy-feely pervs that seem to think it’s ok to get drunk and cop a feel whenever the female bartender walks by. Umm, yeah. Naturally, there’s some disadvantages. But mostly just perks. So yeah, I love my job.

Its hectic sometimes, what with school and all. Speaking of which–today was my last day of classes. 🙂 YAYYYYYY!!! I just have a couple of finals next week and then I’m officially done for the semester. The months just seem to have flown by. Which must be a good sign or something. I did great in my classes and I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m glad I finally got things together and went back to school, I truly am. Whereas before I felt like I was going nowhere–like my life was on pause for the time-being–now I feel like I’m actually getting somewhere. It’s a great feeling. Refreshing. It’s also a big relief. I didn’t think I could do it. That I could get back into the swing of things after my not so brief hiatus from college. But I did it. And the best part of it all is that I did it on my terms this time. On my time-table. Most importantly–I did it for me–and not for anyone else. Me.

I’m happy. Or close to it…

xoxo MESSIE

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