And The Pain Lingers Still…

Everyone is always asking me why I hate this time of year…this day in particular….It’ll be nine years tonight. Nine whole years since the night that changed my whole world. People say that it gets easier…better even…but it doesn’t. Not really. It still hurts just as much. It’s still so much a part of me; of who I am. Who I will always be.

I think about it sometimes. Where I’d be in life–who I would be–had that night never happened. If I’d be happier…if I’d not feel so damaged and or as broken as I do now. It’s the what ifs and if onlys that are the hardest. What if I hadn’t been there that night. If only I hadn’t gone to that party. If only I hadn’t been drinking that night. If only I hadn’t wandered outside. If only someone had intervened…had stopped him. If only I’d fought harder. God, there are so many if onlys. I’ve been trying so hard these past nine years to not let it consume me…but I think it’s the trying that let it happen anyways.

I’d give anything to change it. To go back and make the right choice. To save myself. I know that it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t ask for it. Or deserve what happened to me. I know all that….but knowing it and believing it are two very different things. I know it’s pointless…but all I’ve ever wanted in these nine years is to know WHY. Just why. Why me??

I miss it. My life. The ways things used to be. I miss me. I miss all of it. And it hurts. It hurts so damn much. I hate what it’s done to me. How much it has changed me–how much I’ve let it change me. For years, I was so ashamed. And it’s taken me nine years to finally accept that it’s not my shame. It’s not my guilt. It’s his–whoever HE was.

I hate when people use the label “victim”. Victim. I hate the word. It’s like admitting defeat and accepting weakness. And that scares the hell out of me–being vulnerable in the eyes of the world. What makes me really angry is when people say that you’re lucky to still be alive, because it’s simply not true. That night and what happened–it had nothing to do with luck. I can’t even count the number of times over the past nine years that I’ve wished the opposite–thinking it would have been better off if I had died that night. If I had–I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have all these regrets or these memories. I wouldn’t have had to sleep with the light on for months, being terrified of the evil that lurks in the darkness and the nightmares. I wouldn’t be this scared of letting people in or to trust anyone. I wouldn’t see him in every guy I pass on the street. I wouldn’t feel this lost of feel this unfixable. I wouldn’t be this messed up..

I wonder how it’ll be another nine years from now. If I’ll still be this broken. If it’ll still hurt this much. I want to believe that it gets better. That the pain eventually goes away. I really do. I want to believe that there’s still some good left in this world–and that we haven’t lost it all. I want to believe that there’s more. That the world is bigger and that there’s more to life than this. I don’t want to carry this with me for the rest of my life. I’m not that strong–no matter how much I might pretend to be.

I want to believe in love again. To believe in the magic. I want to believe that these years and everything I have gone through wasn’t in vain. I want to believe that it’s worth worth it. That I’m worth it. But more than anything…I want to be happy–to know that I can be. Because if I can’t, then I’m just not sure I can be here or do this. There has to be more. There just has to be. Because if there’s not…then what are we doing here? What are any of us doing here…


~I open my eyes, I try to see.
But I’m blinded by the white light.
I can’t remember how. I can’t remember why,
I’m lying here tonight.
And I can’t stand the pain.
And I can’t make it go away.
No, I can’t stand the pain.

How could this happen to me?
I’ve made my mistakes.
Got nowhere to run.
The night goes on as I’m fading away.
I just want to scream…how could this happen to me?
I’m slipping off the edge.
I’m hanging by a thread.
I want to start this over again.

So I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered.
And I can’t explain what happened.
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done.
How could this happen to me??


Signed: xoxo, MESSIE…

Dear World,

They say that living is the easiest part, but for what it’s worth, I disagree. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much. Or be this hard. I thought I knew what I was living for…and now…honestly, I’m just not so sure.

I don’t want to cry these tears. Or feel this pain. I don’t want these memories. Or the dreams that keep me awake. I just want to make it all go away. I’m tried of waiting for someday. Of being told that it’ll all be okay. Because it won’t. And it’s not. And I’M not. I don’t care what they say. I’m NOT okay…

I don’t want to be strong, or put on a brave face just because it’s what everyone expects me to do. Not when everything is frayed at the seams–and my whole world is falling apart. I don’t want to stand here and smile and not say anything. What I want–what I really want–is to scream. Until it’s gone, they’re gone…and everything else just fades away.

I don’t care if I have “so much more left to say”. Or more of the world left to see. What’s the use in writing and saying pretty words, or seeing everything–when I don’t want this–when it means nothing to me? When just breathing isn’t the rush that it used to be…and when “just living” is no longer enough for me. What’s the point in all of it–when you’re numb and can’t feel anything?

So is it wrong to say that I don’t want this anymore? Am I weak if I say that I don’t want to be strong? Is it selfish of me to not want to be here…to say goodbye…to be free from everything? Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe it’s a sin. Maybe it’s me. But I don’t want this. I don’t want to be fixed or helped or held. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want any of it, or anything. It’s not dying that scares me. It’s the thought of living…like this…that terrifies me. More than anything.

So tonight…please world…let me go and leave me be.


“…And every little bit of her wants to see the light. But every single night another little bit of her dies inside. She’s trapped in her mind. She feels more alive in her own dreams. And she’s wondering, what’s beyond the sky? Could she see the light if she just falls asleep? So tonight, she lies. Lifted up through her own roof. Dried eyes tonight. There’s nothing more that she could do. And they cry tonight. For the daughter that they hardly knew. And she’s lost in time. Another empty bottle takes her life…” –KATY MCALLISTER’s “ANOTHER BOTTLE TAKES A LIFE”–

Beneath The Pretense Lies…


I may not know it all,
but there is one thing that of which I’m sure.
Which is that I’d rather die,
than continue living this way…
Keeping secrets and telling lies.
Pretending to be happy, when I’m really not.
The smile isn’t real, and neither is anything else.
I’m a phony, a fake.
A girl standing on a line between giving up,
And wondering how much more she can take.
I swear I tried–that I gave it my best shot.
But I’m living in hell, and I just want out.
I don’t want to fight this war.
I just can’t do it anymore.
I’m out of strength, there’s nothing left.
It’s best this way, you’ll see.
Though hard that it might be,
things aren’t always as they seem.
And there comes a point in time, when you have to realize.
That some things just aren’t meant to be;
and not every story ends happily.
My only regret…that it seems a waste, a cryin’ shame–
that this is how they’ll remember me.
Just a broken girl…
Heart in pieces, shattered soul;
Her life a wreck, her head a mess…
A nameless, faceless victim of a cruel and unforgiving world
That never did,
And never will make sense…


Would It Matter At All…

Here’s another lyrics post, since I haven’t done one in a while…

ARTIST: Skillet
TRACK: “Would It Matter”

If I wasn’t here tomorrow, would anybody care?
If my time was up, I’d want to know you were happy I was there.
If I wasn’t here tomorrow, would anyone lose sleep?
If I wasn’t this hard and hollow, than maybe you would miss me.
I know I’m a mess and I want to be someone.
Someone that I like better.
I can never forget.
So don’t remind me of it forever.

What if I just pulled myself together–
Would it matter at all?
What if I just tried not to remember–
Would it matter at all?
All the chances that have passed me by.
Would it matter if I gave it one more time–
Would it matter at all?

If I wasn’t here tomorrow, would anybody care?
Still stuck inside this sorrow.
I’ve got nothing and going nowhere.
I know I’m a mess and I want to be someone–
Someone that I like better.
Can you help me forget?
I don’t want to feel like this forever.



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