Decisions, Decisions…

So this is one of those times when I need to write or I might just lose it. You know when people talk about the girl who got everything she ever wanted…how she lived happily ever after….? Well, what they don’t talk about is what happens in-between. How hard and complicated and confusing it all is. It’s just…it’s really confusing.

It’s all happening. New York City, the move, a new job…everything. I got a call today from a different company than the one I mentioned a few days ago–a marketing and advertisement firm right in Manhattan. It’s a really great offer and honestly…I don’t know what to do. I know, it’s crazy and I should just take it and go and not even have to think about it…and yet, here I am…THINKING about it. I’ve done nothing BUT think about it all day and I’m nowhere closer to a decision than I was hours ago when I got the call.

This is going to sound crazy, but it’s all happening so fast. Or at least, that’s how it feels right now. I mean, I knew it was happening and I want it to, I really do, I just…I think I’m scared. It’s one thing to plan for something…but something completely different when it’s actually happening. Now. If I take this job and everything works out–then it’s two weeks…not 5 or 6 weeks which was the original plan…that the move will be taking place. Two weeks! I mean, I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s all….so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I’m really, really happy. And excited. I want this. I do. It’s not that.

It’s everything else. It’s leaving home. Leaving behind everything I’ve ever known. My family. It has a lot to do with them, I have to admit. My family always has been and will be a huge part of my life. Family is everything to me. Granted, that’s not going to change whether I’m here or there…but still. Things ARE going to change. I’m so used to having them around…of knowing that I’m not alone, no matter what. I’m scared of losing that, of not having them to fall back on if I need to. I’m generally more of an optimist that pessimist–but I can’t help but think of the what ifs. I mean, what if something happens–something bad–and I’m four hours away from being able to do well, anything really. I keep thinking, what if Emma has a seizure–a bad one–and I’m not there? I’m always the one they call or yell to, to come running. I’m the one who sits there calmly, holding and talking to her until she comes out of it–while trying to reassure everyone that she’ll be okay and that there’s no need to call 911. Or when she has one of her fevers and we go through hours of giving her cool baths and wrapping her in wet towels to try to bring her temp down. I think about my other niece, Angelina…and how she always comes to me when she’s had a bad day or there’s something she’s just dying to tell me. I’ve been there for her since day one and now–how do I explain to her that in two weeks, all of that will change? How do I explain to her that I need this…that it’s a great opportunity for me. How do I do that?

Then there’s my grams. What if something happens to her? She’s 72–and granted, you’d never know it by the way she acts and how she is, but still. My siblings and I have had this long-standing joke since we were little that my grams is going to live forever. We always say that she’ll outlive us all–if for no other reason than to order us around and tell us how to live our lives. She’s too stubborn to die, we always say. And she is. But she’s not invincible. Or immortal. And I think we forget that sometimes and take it for granted–take HER for granted–that she’ll always be around. The alternative is just too sad and too hard to imagine or accept, I think. Honestly, I really don’t know what I’d do if we lost her. If she wasn’t there. I can’t imagine not being able to see her or talk to her ever again. We’ve had our differences over the years–plenty of them, in fact–but she’s always been the one that I go to first–with anything. She inspires me, encourages me, and pushes me to be the person she knows I’m capable of being–even if I don’t believe it myself. I think everyone has their “person”–that one person they can always depend on, no matter what. The one they go running to first with the exciting, good news…or the bad kind. The one you want standing by your side when the rest of the world walks out on you. For me, that person is my grams. Even though she makes me want to scream in frustration 90% of the time–it’s still her. Always.

This–my moving–I can tell it’s a little hard on her. She’s been really supportive and all…more than I was expecting, actually. I think she understands–or she’s trying to, at least–that this is something I have to do….something that I need to do. I think we’ve both always known that this place, this town–would never be enough for me. That I’d need more. That someday, I’d leave. There’s a reason why she nicknamed me her “little gypsy” when I was little…because she knew. And she was right. That “someday” happens to be now. As happy as she is for me…I know she doesn’t want to see me go. I think that, if she could, she’d keep us all with her and never let us go. When I told her the good news today…she nearly started crying. I don’t think either of us thought that it would happen this fast. I know, I didn’t. And now that it’s real, I don’t think she’s ready just yet to let me go. And to be honest, I think there’s a part of me that isn’t ready for her to let go either. But it’s going to happen…whether we’re ready for it or not. I’ve worked too hard and have come too far to turn back and give up now. But I’m not just doing this for myself. I’m doing this for her…for the others. I want to make her and them proud. I want them to know that they raised me well. I want them to know how much I appreciate all that they have done for me over the years. But more than anything, I want to be great in their eyes…to be the person they always wanted me to be.

Anyhow, as excited as I am–and I really am–this is still really hard…the whole “being-a-responsible-adult” thing. It’s a little overwhelming actually. I have a decision to make…and I have to make it soon. I have to decide if this–this job specifically–is what I want. Do I take this really great offer and leave in two weeks? Or do I pass it up and wait for my dream job to come calling and leave in 5-6 weeks instead? Like I said, I don’t know what to do. Well…I guess we’ll find that out soon enough…..

xoxo
MESSIE

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1, 2, 3…Just Breathe…

Okay, so the verdict is in…and it’s a no-go with the marketing job offer. Granted, I may be kicking myself later on for passing this up…but I’ve thought about it and I just don’t think it’s going to work, for several reasons. For starters, there’s no way I could possibly get everything together and move in a week…which is when I’d have to be down there if I took the position. I considered the idea of going down and getting everything set up before the bestie came in a few weeks…but I’m not really too keen on that idea. As it is, we were planning on going this weekend or sometime next week to look at apartments…so if I took the job, it’d be a rush thing and I don’t want that. I want this to be a smooth, hassle-free move.

I considered the offer from both sides, very carefully. I talked about it with my family–although they weren’t much help. My grams basically told me that it’s my life and that I should do whatever I want…that it was a decision she couldn’t make for me. I think she’s still harboring the hope that I’ll change my mind and stay in the area…which of course, isn’t going to happen. So I asked my sister–because she’s the responsible, practical one with a good answer to almost everything. Her practical answer was for me to put together a Pros/Cons list…which figures with her. She loves lists and plans and well…I don’t know. Sooo I decided to forgo the list-making and instead, talked to the bestie about it. We talked about it for a long time the other night and while we agreed that it was a really great offer…it eventually all came down to the matter of whether it was something I was going to be happy with or not. The job specifically, that is.

So I thought about it some more and decided to turn it down. It wasn’t an easy decision…there were a lot of factors involved. Like I said, it was an incredible offer. The salary alone was unbelievable. If it was just about the money…I’d have taken it…in a heartbeat. But there are other matters to consider as well. This is one of those times when the old “money can’t buy you happiness” adage comes into play. Maybe it’s crazy, but it’s true. Granted, money is important–obviously–but it’s not everything. That said, I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to be stuck in a job where I’m only in it for that Friday paycheck. To be blunt, if I wanted to be miserable in a job…then I’d stay here. I don’t want that. In fact, that’s one of the main reasons I decided to move to NYC in the first place. I want a job that I like and enjoy doing. I want a job where I actually look forward to going to every day. Maybe it’s a little naive of me to expect and want that…but it’s what I want. Like my grams said…this is MY life and no one else’s…and it’s up to me to decide how I want to live it and what I want to do with it. Granted, I’m not naive enough to think that it’s going to be easy or that it’s going to happen right away, but still. Maybe I’m expecting too much–but I want my dream. That dream is to someday be the editor of a magazine like Cosmo or Vogue–or something similar. It’d be the best of both worlds…to be able to both write and design Maybe it’s a pipe dream…maybe it’s a crazy fantasy…but it’s my dream and it’s what I want. End of story.

So January 5th, 2013 it is! Five weeks and two days…yikes! I think it’s finally hit me that this is really happening. And I’m excited beyond belief…

xoxo

MESSIE


“…oh, the quiet child awaits the day that she can break free…the mold that clings like desperation…oh mother, don’t you see I have got to live my life the way i feel is right for me…say it’s not right for you, but it’s right for me…” ~BJL~

Give Thanks…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

So much that I am thankful for this year…For starters, my completely dysfunctional family, that drive me absolutely insane but whom without I would be totally and utterly lost. My friends that keep me grounded and sane and who have stuck by me through everything, even when I didn’t deserve it. I’m thankful for second chances and forgiveness and for love. I’m thankful for a broken heart…because without it, I never would have known my own strength. I’m thankful for my regrets and mistakes…for showing me what’s worth it and what isn’t. I’m thankful for the amazing opportunities I’ve been given…for the chance to do something great and to live out my dream. I’m thankful for where I’ll be in six weeks….I’m thankful for everything. I may not always say it…or feel it…but I’m thankful. And lucky. Because I am. Right now, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And it feels good…

xoxo
MESSIE

What’s Not To Love…

Ahhh, so excited right now. They loved both portfolios and they’re showing them to the design team this week. Could life get any better? I mean, really? New York City, amazing apartment in Manhattan with the bestie, connections with the film industry, and now this…my possible “dream” editorial/design magazine job right in Manhattan…seriously on cloud nine right now. It’s all coming together, like it’s supposed to be this way or something. Like it’s fate. And I’m happy. So happy. Thanksgiving may be a few days off, but I’m pretty sure I already know what I’m thankful for this year already. Life is amazing. And in just about 6 weeks or so…it’ll be even better.

I guess this is what they mean when they say that it DOES get better. It took awhile, a whole lot of heartbreak, an ocean of tears and regrets, and a lot of hard work…but they were right. Because right now, things are looking pretty damn good to me.

Two words. LOVING. LIFE. 🙂

xoxo
MESSIE

–**–
And some fitting lyrics…

ARTIST: Kelly Clarkson
TRACK: “Breakaway”

VERSE:
Grew up in a small town.
And when the rain would fall down,
I’d just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be.
And if I’d end up happy…

CHORUS:
And I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly.
I’ll do what it takes, til I touch the sky.
And I’ll make a wish.
Take a chance.
Make a change.
And breakaway…

VERSE:
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love.
I’ll take a risk.
Take a chance.
And breakaway…

xoxo

MESSIE

With Bated Breath…

Ahhhh!! I’m going stir-crazy. I just wish January would hurry up and just get here already. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next month and a half. They say that patience is a virtue…but it’s definitely not one of mine. I hate waiting. It’s like the more you want something, the longer it takes and the slower the days drag on. If not for school, I’d probably be doing it already or have done it. I’m looking forward to this…so much.

I can’t wait to get away from here. Away from all the drama and the fights and the memories. I want to make a fresh start and I can’t do that here. I need to get away and to start living my life. More than anything, I just want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this. That I can be someone and that what I’ve done and who I am does matter. I’m sick of failing all the time; of letting everyone down f I’m tired of always being a disappointment. No one thinks I can do this. But they’re wrong. I can do this. Wait, correction. I’m going to do it. One of the main reasons why I have to do this is that I need to get used to doing things myself—rather than letting everyone else do them for me. While I’m grateful for everyone that has cared enough to help me over the years—I can’t keep relying on everyone like I have been; the past few years especially. Everyone has done so much for me. It’s not fair of me to keep leaning on them and pulling them into my problems. My mistakes are mine to live with and my messes are mine to clean up. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t keep running scared and letting people dictate how I should live my life. It’s my life. Not theirs. And this…it’s all mine and all on me. I just want to do something that matters and to try to be someone. I want this life of mine to actually mean something. The chance to wake up and do better—to be better. All I want is to just forget the past and all of it, and to move on with my life.

There are a lot of things I’m going to miss though. My family and friends , of course—and all the good memories and old times we have had. I’m going to miss this little town and the overall simplicity of it here. I know everything here. This is home and I think it always will be—at least to me. I’m going to miss all the familiar faces and the personal interactions. As much as I’m going to miss it—there’s at least one thing that I won’t—which is having people butting into my business and passing judgment as though they have the right. Small towns have their advantages…along with their disadvantages…like everyone knowing everyone. In small towns, people love to gossip and tell everyone everything. Which is so damn frustrating sometimes.

One of the biggest and greatest perks of moving to NYC is that it’s not going to be like that there. It’s easier to blend in and disappear in a sea of millions of nameless, unfamiliar faces. In the city, people don’t care, for the most part. This is exactly why I want to be there. Down there , people don’t care about your past or the things that you have done. None of that matters. Down there I’ll have my chance to fix everything and to start over. And that—that is what I want more than anything. It’s what I need. Down there, I’ll no longer have to worry about what people think of me. I won’t have to be the girl with all the secrets anymore. I won’t have to keep up the charade or the lies. I won’t have to take the judgments people pass out. I won’t have to face the lies being spread around about me, or face the accusations, or wear the label of the home-wrecker I never was and that I’m not.

It’s unreal—all the rumors and lies that people have been spreading around the past three years. Ridiculous actually. There are people who really need to get lives and that need to stop interfering with mine. I’m not sure why people get off on hurting other people and tarnishing someone’s reputation when they don’t deserve it., but they do. Which is why I have to leave. I can’t do it anymore—taking everything everyone says in stride or to heart. It’s too much. I’ve had enough. I’m done. People never learn or change. They don’t stop or let things go. Case in point—the past three years and what happened with the other one. You’d think that by now people would have forgotten and moved on…but they haven’t. I still get it all thrown in my face again sometimes. Still. People still like to remind me of what I did and the decision I made. I don’t understand it. I mean, I’ve moved on…so why can’t they? If anything, shouldn’t it be the opposite? I’m the one it happened to. I’m the one that was hurt. Me. Not them. It’s yet another reason why I want to leave. I’m sick and tired of having to carry the burden of blame and guilt. I don’t want what happened hanging over my head the rest of my life. If I stay…that’s going to happen. Which isn’t fair, but it’s still going to happen. As much as it hurts and as much as I hate it, I’m always going to be that girl who hooked up with the bartender that had a wife and kid waiting at home…the girl who “supposedly” tried to break up a happy home. The girl that he got pregnant, then turned his back on her and walked away. I don’t want to carry that label anymore…or in the first place, for that matter. I came to terms with what happened a long time ago. I’ve moved on. That’s not to say that it doesn’t hurt, because it still does. But I can’t live in the past or continue to cut open old wounds. I did that long enough as it was. I wish people would just stop, once and for all. It’s over. It’s done. And now it’s on to the next chapter. It’s going to be great. I know it.

xoxo
MESSIE

Moving On…Officially.

Well, I can finally say it. It’s official! We’ll be leaving for New York City in January. It’s a little ahead of schedule, but great news nonetheless. I’m working it out so that my final semester of classes can all be taken online—so there’s no worries there. It’s a little overwhelming, I admit. In fact, my hands are literally shaking as I type this from all the excitement and nervousness the past few weeks in just getting this all together and making the final decision. But all in all…I just feel so relieved. And happy. Very, very happy. Everything is coming together and all I can think is…finally. That it’s about damn time. I’ve waited a long time for this and I’ve worked really hard…I deserve this. It’s what I want. Truly.

That’s not to say that I’m not scared. I am. Hell, I’m terrified. I am “MESSIE”, after all. I’m the small-town girl who STILL gets skittish in a semi-crowded room—who’s about to head to a city with millions of new and unfamiliar faces. I’m leaving everything I’ve ever known. The place where I feel safe—the only place I have ever called HOME. And most importantly–the people who have cared and loved me these past 25 years. So yeah, I’m scared. But then again, I think there’d be something wrong with me if I weren’t. So in that respect…I think I’m doing okay.

It’s definitely going to be an adjustment…not seeing my family every day. Not seeing the beautiful nieces that I haven’t gone for more than a couple of weeks at any given time NOT seeing them their entire lives…so trust me, it’s going to be rough. But they’re growing up and getting older and to be perfectly honest, I just feel truly grateful to have been in their lives as much as I have up to this point. I’m the lucky one. I believe that, with my whole heart. When I first started to consider moving, I’ll admit that I felt guilty. There was a moment when I thought that it’d be selfish of me to go…to leave them and move away. They’re used to having me here…and I’m used to having them. It’s all they and I have ever known. And while I am going to miss the familiar interaction more than words can ever express…I’ve accepted that this is a good kind of “selfish”, so to speak. Besides, it’s not as though I’m leaving and dropping out of their lives completely. There’s always the phone and email and Face Time—thank G-O-D for Face Time, by the way!! And of course, it’s only a four-hour drive or a short train ride away should I get the twinge of homesickness—as I’m sure I will. There’s holidays and birthdays and if I can somehow wrangle it—there might even be some overnight sleepovers in the city with my little loves… in a couple of years when they’re a bit older, of course. And my mother and grandmother and their mothers have all lost their wits temporarily…naturally.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that things change. Plans change. Things you least expect to happen…they happen…WHEN you least expect that. Life happens. And you have to go with it. So that’s what I’m doing. And at this point in time, it means throwing caution to the wind and stepping into life and actually living it. I’ve put what I want aside for a long time now—which I, in no way feel resentful for—but right now, I have a chance to get what I want. To do what I want. A chance to make my dreams come true. To see if I really have what it takes…or if I don’t. To be really happy. I’m looking forward to the chance and the opportunity—whatever the outcome may be. This is one of those times when I know I’m going to look back and not feel the least bit sorry that I made the decision that I did. I’m done living in the past and what could have/might have been. It’s well past time that I start living in the present and in the future. And so…that’s what I’m going to do. And there’s not a thing in the world that can make me feel guilty for that. Nothing and no one. At all.

I’m grateful for so much at this point in my life, but one of the things that I’m most grateful for are the people that I have in my life. My family yes, but my amazing friends as well. We’ve been through so much together. It’s been one hell of a ride. A great, incredible journey. And I have a feeling it’s only going to get better from here on out—especially seeing how I’m not making this big move alone. My best friend is coming with me. She’s been talking about getting out of here and moving to the city since we were in high school. I guess it’s just good timing or fate or whatever you want to call it…but yeah. To be honest, I don’t think I could do it without her—and I don’t mean all the decision-making and the details and whatnot—I mean everything. I’m so glad and grateful to have to her in my life. We’ve been through hell and back…through good times and bad… Our friendship—albeit understood by very few over the years–has managed to somehow survive a bucketful of high school drama, lessons learned, tears, heartbreak, betrayal, misunderstandings, one hammer-throwing cat fight and failed living situation, disagreements, distance, and a year of complete silence—and by some miracle altogether, it is now stronger than ever. We’ve fought, we’ve loved, we’ve learned, and we’ve grown up. Now we’re about to test those bonds yet again….and of all the worries I have at the moment, oddly enough—that’s not one of them. We can do this. I know we can. And it’s going to be great. I’m sure of it. So come January….New York City….Ready. Or not. HERE WE COME!! J

xoxo
MESSIE

Rest & Giggles, Avie Style…

Well, I’m finally out of the godforsaken hospital. Ugh, one more day in there and I think I might have gone crazy. I hate hospitals–by the way–the whole sterile-y feel and being all cooped up…though the morphine was nice. Anyhow, it’s nice to be home…chaos and craziness and all. As per doctor’s orders, I’ve been “taking it easy”…which pretty much amounts to lots of writing and scrapping and listening to hours of iTunes. That, and feeling bored and going a bit stir-crazy. My little Avie munchkin decided to come in just now and give me some special attention and her very own idea of “medicine”…which included some jumping on the bed, a tickle fight, some squealing, and lots of lots of giggles. Morphine is great…but laughter…hers especially–definitely the best medicine of all. Hands down…no contest. Yeah. Life is good.

100_5335                  My Little Avie J. ❤100_5339

xoxo
MESSIE

Heart & Soul…Love You Baby Girl…

Your baby blues.

So full of wonder.

Your curly cues.

Your contagious smile.

100_2296

And as I watch,

you start to grow up.

All I can do is hold you tight.

Knowing clouds will rise up.

Storms will race in.

Rains will pour down.

Waves will crash all around.

me and avie3

But you will be safe in my arms…

Storybooks full of fairytales.

Of kings and queeens,

and the bluest skies.

My heart is torn, just in knowing

You’ll someday see the truth from lies.

Castles they might crumble.

Dreams may not come true.

But you are never all alone.

BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!

**[In My Arms by Plumb]**

me and avie2 (2)

2 1/2 years ago, I fell in love all over again. I love you Avie J. To the moon and back… ❤

xoxo

MESSIE

Poetic Soliloquy…

So I found these lyrics and um…yeah.

ARTIST: FFH
TRACK: “Poem For Joann”

VERSE:
Sometimes things happen and you can’t ask why.
Paint a pretty picture and it makes you cry.
They say a picture’s worth a thousand words.
I know it’s true.
Do you ever look into the sky,
See the setting sun in the evening’s light?
It makes your heart ache and you sink from the weight.
You wonder why…

CHORUS:
People will tell you that its meant to be.
But that doesn’t mean anything… to me.
And people would say I’ve been so strong.
But I’m lost.
I’ve done nothing at all.

VERSE:
The view seems endless on a stretch of white sand.
You leave your footprints and you wait for God’s hand.
The waves erase your path but leave you your pain.
You ask for strength.
The sound of raindrops like a gentle sigh.
Listen to the rhythm its your lullaby.
The rainbow’s promise picks you up, brings you down.
There is no end.

VERSE:
What do you do when you can’t meaning–
And no words for the feelings?
What can you say that will make it okay?
To get through one more day.
Sometimes things happen and you can’t ask why…

–**–

No, I had nothing to do with the naming of this track. As for the lyrics…they’re just so real. So true. It’s like someone took my soul and put it on display for everyone to see. It’s a little unnerving, to be totally honest. Things do happen. Bad things. Things that change your life and turn your once perfect world completely inside out and upside down. And you can years…your whole life even…wondering why. Most of the time, the world doesn’t answer you back. Sometimes there are no answers. And then sometimes, there are.

I’ve spent years wondering why these things happen. Wondering why life brings you up, only just to tear you down. Wondering why people do the things that they do…and why some people have to be so cruel. I’ve spent the past nine years wondering why life can be so cold…and how people can have so much evil inside them. No one prepares you, you know–for how bad it can get. How you can be so happy one minute and broken the next. How–in the blink of an eye–everything you once knew…is no longer there. Or true. Growing up, you’re sheltered from it all. You’re protected. Safe. You’re taught that people are generally good. You’re taught that you can do whatever you put your mind to. And that dreams come true.

And then you’re 16 and life throws you a curve ball. You see hell up-close and personal. You see how one little mistake can turn into the biggest regret of your life. You see just how unfair life can be. And how humiliating it can be when you’re lying on the ground–dress torn and bleeding–and begging for mercy. Wanting to be anywhere than where you are. Begging a God that you’re not even sure you believe in to make the nightmare end and to take you away from it all. For good. They say that the tough parts of life make you strong. That you have to go through hell to learn just how much you can take…to test your limits and find your breaking point. I don’t know about that. But I do know what the bottom looks and feels like. I know how it feels to give up. To feel like you can’t take one more day living in a world that has done nothing but hurt you and betray you and let you down. I know what its like to want the pain to stop. To want it all just to go away.

I know what it’s like to not understand. To face a meaningless world. I know what it’s like to always wonder…and to always ask why. I do it. All the time….
MESSIE

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