Well, I can finally say it. It’s official! We’ll be leaving for New York City in January. It’s a little ahead of schedule, but great news nonetheless. I’m working it out so that my final semester of classes can all be taken online—so there’s no worries there. It’s a little overwhelming, I admit. In fact, my hands are literally shaking as I type this from all the excitement and nervousness the past few weeks in just getting this all together and making the final decision. But all in all…I just feel so relieved. And happy. Very, very happy. Everything is coming together and all I can think is…finally. That it’s about damn time. I’ve waited a long time for this and I’ve worked really hard…I deserve this. It’s what I want. Truly.
That’s not to say that I’m not scared. I am. Hell, I’m terrified. I am “MESSIE”, after all. I’m the small-town girl who STILL gets skittish in a semi-crowded room—who’s about to head to a city with millions of new and unfamiliar faces. I’m leaving everything I’ve ever known. The place where I feel safe—the only place I have ever called HOME. And most importantly–the people who have cared and loved me these past 25 years. So yeah, I’m scared. But then again, I think there’d be something wrong with me if I weren’t. So in that respect…I think I’m doing okay.
It’s definitely going to be an adjustment…not seeing my family every day. Not seeing the beautiful nieces that I haven’t gone for more than a couple of weeks at any given time NOT seeing them their entire lives…so trust me, it’s going to be rough. But they’re growing up and getting older and to be perfectly honest, I just feel truly grateful to have been in their lives as much as I have up to this point. I’m the lucky one. I believe that, with my whole heart. When I first started to consider moving, I’ll admit that I felt guilty. There was a moment when I thought that it’d be selfish of me to go…to leave them and move away. They’re used to having me here…and I’m used to having them. It’s all they and I have ever known. And while I am going to miss the familiar interaction more than words can ever express…I’ve accepted that this is a good kind of “selfish”, so to speak. Besides, it’s not as though I’m leaving and dropping out of their lives completely. There’s always the phone and email and Face Time—thank G-O-D for Face Time, by the way!! And of course, it’s only a four-hour drive or a short train ride away should I get the twinge of homesickness—as I’m sure I will. There’s holidays and birthdays and if I can somehow wrangle it—there might even be some overnight sleepovers in the city with my little loves… in a couple of years when they’re a bit older, of course. And my mother and grandmother and their mothers have all lost their wits temporarily…naturally.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that things change. Plans change. Things you least expect to happen…they happen…WHEN you least expect that. Life happens. And you have to go with it. So that’s what I’m doing. And at this point in time, it means throwing caution to the wind and stepping into life and actually living it. I’ve put what I want aside for a long time now—which I, in no way feel resentful for—but right now, I have a chance to get what I want. To do what I want. A chance to make my dreams come true. To see if I really have what it takes…or if I don’t. To be really happy. I’m looking forward to the chance and the opportunity—whatever the outcome may be. This is one of those times when I know I’m going to look back and not feel the least bit sorry that I made the decision that I did. I’m done living in the past and what could have/might have been. It’s well past time that I start living in the present and in the future. And so…that’s what I’m going to do. And there’s not a thing in the world that can make me feel guilty for that. Nothing and no one. At all.
I’m grateful for so much at this point in my life, but one of the things that I’m most grateful for are the people that I have in my life. My family yes, but my amazing friends as well. We’ve been through so much together. It’s been one hell of a ride. A great, incredible journey. And I have a feeling it’s only going to get better from here on out—especially seeing how I’m not making this big move alone. My best friend is coming with me. She’s been talking about getting out of here and moving to the city since we were in high school. I guess it’s just good timing or fate or whatever you want to call it…but yeah. To be honest, I don’t think I could do it without her—and I don’t mean all the decision-making and the details and whatnot—I mean everything. I’m so glad and grateful to have to her in my life. We’ve been through hell and back…through good times and bad… Our friendship—albeit understood by very few over the years–has managed to somehow survive a bucketful of high school drama, lessons learned, tears, heartbreak, betrayal, misunderstandings, one hammer-throwing cat fight and failed living situation, disagreements, distance, and a year of complete silence—and by some miracle altogether, it is now stronger than ever. We’ve fought, we’ve loved, we’ve learned, and we’ve grown up. Now we’re about to test those bonds yet again….and of all the worries I have at the moment, oddly enough—that’s not one of them. We can do this. I know we can. And it’s going to be great. I’m sure of it. So come January….New York City….Ready. Or not. HERE WE COME!! J