With Bated Breath…

Ahhhh!! I’m going stir-crazy. I just wish January would hurry up and just get here already. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next month and a half. They say that patience is a virtue…but it’s definitely not one of mine. I hate waiting. It’s like the more you want something, the longer it takes and the slower the days drag on. If not for school, I’d probably be doing it already or have done it. I’m looking forward to this…so much.

I can’t wait to get away from here. Away from all the drama and the fights and the memories. I want to make a fresh start and I can’t do that here. I need to get away and to start living my life. More than anything, I just want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do this. That I can be someone and that what I’ve done and who I am does matter. I’m sick of failing all the time; of letting everyone down f I’m tired of always being a disappointment. No one thinks I can do this. But they’re wrong. I can do this. Wait, correction. I’m going to do it. One of the main reasons why I have to do this is that I need to get used to doing things myself—rather than letting everyone else do them for me. While I’m grateful for everyone that has cared enough to help me over the years—I can’t keep relying on everyone like I have been; the past few years especially. Everyone has done so much for me. It’s not fair of me to keep leaning on them and pulling them into my problems. My mistakes are mine to live with and my messes are mine to clean up. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t keep running scared and letting people dictate how I should live my life. It’s my life. Not theirs. And this…it’s all mine and all on me. I just want to do something that matters and to try to be someone. I want this life of mine to actually mean something. The chance to wake up and do better—to be better. All I want is to just forget the past and all of it, and to move on with my life.

There are a lot of things I’m going to miss though. My family and friends , of course—and all the good memories and old times we have had. I’m going to miss this little town and the overall simplicity of it here. I know everything here. This is home and I think it always will be—at least to me. I’m going to miss all the familiar faces and the personal interactions. As much as I’m going to miss it—there’s at least one thing that I won’t—which is having people butting into my business and passing judgment as though they have the right. Small towns have their advantages…along with their disadvantages…like everyone knowing everyone. In small towns, people love to gossip and tell everyone everything. Which is so damn frustrating sometimes.

One of the biggest and greatest perks of moving to NYC is that it’s not going to be like that there. It’s easier to blend in and disappear in a sea of millions of nameless, unfamiliar faces. In the city, people don’t care, for the most part. This is exactly why I want to be there. Down there , people don’t care about your past or the things that you have done. None of that matters. Down there I’ll have my chance to fix everything and to start over. And that—that is what I want more than anything. It’s what I need. Down there, I’ll no longer have to worry about what people think of me. I won’t have to be the girl with all the secrets anymore. I won’t have to keep up the charade or the lies. I won’t have to take the judgments people pass out. I won’t have to face the lies being spread around about me, or face the accusations, or wear the label of the home-wrecker I never was and that I’m not.

It’s unreal—all the rumors and lies that people have been spreading around the past three years. Ridiculous actually. There are people who really need to get lives and that need to stop interfering with mine. I’m not sure why people get off on hurting other people and tarnishing someone’s reputation when they don’t deserve it., but they do. Which is why I have to leave. I can’t do it anymore—taking everything everyone says in stride or to heart. It’s too much. I’ve had enough. I’m done. People never learn or change. They don’t stop or let things go. Case in point—the past three years and what happened with the other one. You’d think that by now people would have forgotten and moved on…but they haven’t. I still get it all thrown in my face again sometimes. Still. People still like to remind me of what I did and the decision I made. I don’t understand it. I mean, I’ve moved on…so why can’t they? If anything, shouldn’t it be the opposite? I’m the one it happened to. I’m the one that was hurt. Me. Not them. It’s yet another reason why I want to leave. I’m sick and tired of having to carry the burden of blame and guilt. I don’t want what happened hanging over my head the rest of my life. If I stay…that’s going to happen. Which isn’t fair, but it’s still going to happen. As much as it hurts and as much as I hate it, I’m always going to be that girl who hooked up with the bartender that had a wife and kid waiting at home…the girl who “supposedly” tried to break up a happy home. The girl that he got pregnant, then turned his back on her and walked away. I don’t want to carry that label anymore…or in the first place, for that matter. I came to terms with what happened a long time ago. I’ve moved on. That’s not to say that it doesn’t hurt, because it still does. But I can’t live in the past or continue to cut open old wounds. I did that long enough as it was. I wish people would just stop, once and for all. It’s over. It’s done. And now it’s on to the next chapter. It’s going to be great. I know it.

xoxo
MESSIE

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