Decisions, Decisions…

So this is one of those times when I need to write or I might just lose it. You know when people talk about the girl who got everything she ever wanted…how she lived happily ever after….? Well, what they don’t talk about is what happens in-between. How hard and complicated and confusing it all is. It’s just…it’s really confusing.

It’s all happening. New York City, the move, a new job…everything. I got a call today from a different company than the one I mentioned a few days ago–a marketing and advertisement firm right in Manhattan. It’s a really great offer and honestly…I don’t know what to do. I know, it’s crazy and I should just take it and go and not even have to think about it…and yet, here I am…THINKING about it. I’ve done nothing BUT think about it all day and I’m nowhere closer to a decision than I was hours ago when I got the call.

This is going to sound crazy, but it’s all happening so fast. Or at least, that’s how it feels right now. I mean, I knew it was happening and I want it to, I really do, I just…I think I’m scared. It’s one thing to plan for something…but something completely different when it’s actually happening. Now. If I take this job and everything works out–then it’s two weeks…not 5 or 6 weeks which was the original plan…that the move will be taking place. Two weeks! I mean, I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s all….so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. I’m really, really happy. And excited. I want this. I do. It’s not that.

It’s everything else. It’s leaving home. Leaving behind everything I’ve ever known. My family. It has a lot to do with them, I have to admit. My family always has been and will be a huge part of my life. Family is everything to me. Granted, that’s not going to change whether I’m here or there…but still. Things ARE going to change. I’m so used to having them around…of knowing that I’m not alone, no matter what. I’m scared of losing that, of not having them to fall back on if I need to. I’m generally more of an optimist that pessimist–but I can’t help but think of the what ifs. I mean, what if something happens–something bad–and I’m four hours away from being able to do well, anything really. I keep thinking, what if Emma has a seizure–a bad one–and I’m not there? I’m always the one they call or yell to, to come running. I’m the one who sits there calmly, holding and talking to her until she comes out of it–while trying to reassure everyone that she’ll be okay and that there’s no need to call 911. Or when she has one of her fevers and we go through hours of giving her cool baths and wrapping her in wet towels to try to bring her temp down. I think about my other niece, Angelina…and how she always comes to me when she’s had a bad day or there’s something she’s just dying to tell me. I’ve been there for her since day one and now–how do I explain to her that in two weeks, all of that will change? How do I explain to her that I need this…that it’s a great opportunity for me. How do I do that?

Then there’s my grams. What if something happens to her? She’s 72–and granted, you’d never know it by the way she acts and how she is, but still. My siblings and I have had this long-standing joke since we were little that my grams is going to live forever. We always say that she’ll outlive us all–if for no other reason than to order us around and tell us how to live our lives. She’s too stubborn to die, we always say. And she is. But she’s not invincible. Or immortal. And I think we forget that sometimes and take it for granted–take HER for granted–that she’ll always be around. The alternative is just too sad and too hard to imagine or accept, I think. Honestly, I really don’t know what I’d do if we lost her. If she wasn’t there. I can’t imagine not being able to see her or talk to her ever again. We’ve had our differences over the years–plenty of them, in fact–but she’s always been the one that I go to first–with anything. She inspires me, encourages me, and pushes me to be the person she knows I’m capable of being–even if I don’t believe it myself. I think everyone has their “person”–that one person they can always depend on, no matter what. The one they go running to first with the exciting, good news…or the bad kind. The one you want standing by your side when the rest of the world walks out on you. For me, that person is my grams. Even though she makes me want to scream in frustration 90% of the time–it’s still her. Always.

This–my moving–I can tell it’s a little hard on her. She’s been really supportive and all…more than I was expecting, actually. I think she understands–or she’s trying to, at least–that this is something I have to do….something that I need to do. I think we’ve both always known that this place, this town–would never be enough for me. That I’d need more. That someday, I’d leave. There’s a reason why she nicknamed me her “little gypsy” when I was little…because she knew. And she was right. That “someday” happens to be now. As happy as she is for me…I know she doesn’t want to see me go. I think that, if she could, she’d keep us all with her and never let us go. When I told her the good news today…she nearly started crying. I don’t think either of us thought that it would happen this fast. I know, I didn’t. And now that it’s real, I don’t think she’s ready just yet to let me go. And to be honest, I think there’s a part of me that isn’t ready for her to let go either. But it’s going to happen…whether we’re ready for it or not. I’ve worked too hard and have come too far to turn back and give up now. But I’m not just doing this for myself. I’m doing this for her…for the others. I want to make her and them proud. I want them to know that they raised me well. I want them to know how much I appreciate all that they have done for me over the years. But more than anything, I want to be great in their eyes…to be the person they always wanted me to be.

Anyhow, as excited as I am–and I really am–this is still really hard…the whole “being-a-responsible-adult” thing. It’s a little overwhelming actually. I have a decision to make…and I have to make it soon. I have to decide if this–this job specifically–is what I want. Do I take this really great offer and leave in two weeks? Or do I pass it up and wait for my dream job to come calling and leave in 5-6 weeks instead? Like I said, I don’t know what to do. Well…I guess we’ll find that out soon enough…..



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