Can’t write too much…as I should have called it a night like oh…hours ago. So much on my mind at the moment though, so sleep is far off. The bestie and I are leaving in the morning…like 6 hours from now actually 🙂 …and heading to the city to check out some apartments in the Upper West Side….Manhattan….oh yeah. This is all really happening…and I think it’s finally starting to sink in…
I’m excited…sooo very excited…but a little over-whelmed, too. It’s just that I’ve always had this tendency to jump in the deep end…without really thinking things through too much…and not caring really if I can swim or not. And now that this is all happening…it’s just….it’s a lot. That’s all. I’m leaving. It sounds so foreign when I say it…admit it…but I am. And I know I probably sound like such a dork…but I’m scared. Terrified, really. I’m leaving everything I’ve ever known…everything that feels safe…and going to a place that is so out of my element, that it’s not even funny.
Now that it’s actually happening…and it’s getting close to moving day…my family’s changing their tune; starting to realize that I’m serious and that in three weeks and a couple days…I’m gone. And they aren’t liking that whole reality too much. My grams got me crying the other day when she asked me to wait and re-consider….to really think about my decision. She asked me if it was really what I wanted. I couldn’t lie to her…I’ve never been able to with her…so I just stood there, tears streaming down my face…shaking my head. Do I want to go? Yes. And no. It’s really hard to explain. I mean, do I want to leave my family and everything I have here? Of course not. God, I don’t even want to think about how hard it’s going to be come January 5th and we have the U-Haul packed and ready to go. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a tear-fest. Actually, I’m sure of it. It’s going to be so hard and I honestly wish I could just skip over that part, because it’s going to be hell. So again, do I want to go? No.
But I have to. I have to do this for myself…and for them. I need to do something with myself and my life…and I need to chase my dreams. What I want to do–I can’t do here. And I want to be happy, more than anything. And I’m not happy here. I mean, I have my family and my friends…but I feel like there’s more…and that I need to leave if I’m going to find it. I need to get away…I mean, really get away…to start over. I can’t do that here. I feel like I’ve been walking on glass the past three years…and in a lot of ways, I have been. Because of HIM yes, but also because of me. What happened…it hurt, so much. And as much as I hate to admit it, it changed me. I’m not who I was three years ago. I feel like I haven’t really been living these 3 years. I mean, I wake up each day and I’m breathing…but that’s all it is. I smile, but I’m not happy. I’m hurting…but I feel nothing. He did that and I hate him so much for that…for making me feel like I was nothing and for making me feel like life isn’t worth living. God, I hate him so much for that. But I hate myself more…for letting him make me feel that way. If I stay…it’s like he’s won, you know? And he already took so much…I won’t give him that. It’s bad enough that I let him push me into a corner and stopped living my life. It’s bad enough that I let him humiliate me, even after the fact. He destroyed so much…but not anymore. I’m done living in the past. I’m done being afraid of him learning the truth. I’m done staying in, because I’m afraid of ever seeing him out. I want my life back…and I can’t do that if I stay here. I’m 25 years old. I want to live again. I want to go out and have fun, like I used to. I’m sick of punishing myself for sins that aren’t mine. And I’m sick of all the anger…of being so bitter. I don’t want to hate him anymore. I don’t want to remember. I want to forget him…forget everything that ever happened. I wish I’d never met him. I mean that, truly. He broke my heart. He crushed my soul. But he didn’t break me. Not yet. And if leaving prevents him from finishing the job…then that’s what I have to do. So do I want to go? No. But I hate to go. I need to go. I need this…I need a fresh start.
This is my dream. My world. My life. And it’s going to hurt. Hell, it already does…and I haven’t even left yet. But I have to believe that there’s more than just this place, this life. More than these tainted, horrible memories. And maybe this is me jumping in the deep end again…maybe. But the good thing about being broken…about being numb…is that it only gets better. And it does. Life is going to be amazing. I know it.
So here’s to new beginnings and a new life…jumping in…and just breathing it all in.
Til next time…