Letters From A Ghost…

I think I’ve been more than understanding about all of this. And now…well, now I’m just done…with being nice…with all of it. Just…done.

To this person (s) this post is intended for…and you know who you are…I’m sorry that you have nothing better to do with your life, than to stalk the blog of a person that you claim to have “forgotten about a long time ago.” Really, I am. Having said that, I’m curious as to why you still even bother. It has, after all, been four years. I haven’t bothered you. I haven’t called or emailed or tried to contact you in any way whatsoever. I haven’t stalked your blog or web page, as you have mine. Nor have I had any desire to do so…not then, now, or in the future. I have no desire to speak to you, and if I never see your face again…well, that will be just fine by me.

But this–whatever the hell it is–it’s over. It’s done. And has been, for a very long time now. I’ve accepted that. I think it’s time that you, and anyone else that is involved in this with you, do the same. I’m not sure what it is you hope to find in this blog or in my words, but I assure you, you won’t find it. I’m not in love with you still. Those feelings are long gone…if they ever truly existed in the first place, that is. Truth be told, I don’t even hate you. Not anymore. I simply just feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that you felt the need to do the things you did…and that it took wrecking a person’s life for you to feel anything in that cold, sadistic soul of yours.

As far as apologies go, I owe you none. I’m not sorry for what I did or for my actions, where you were concerned. I’m not sorry that I told her the truth and exposed your dirty little secret…not anymore. I may not have known it right then, but telling her and saying goodbye to you and whatever it was that we had, was in fact–the best and smartest decision I could have ever made for myself. It was the right thing to do. I won’t apologize for that. I will, however, apologize for not doing it sooner–as I know I should have. Nor am I sorry for letting you believe what I led you to believe…for it all worked out in the end. You didn’t deserve the truth. And if this is proof of anything…you still don’t. As far as I’m concerned, you made your choice…and I’m not referring to your choice of whom to be with. You chose to lie…to her, to me, and yes, even to yourself. You chose to deflect the responsibility of your actions. And I get it, I do. It was easier to put the blame on me. And maybe her cousin was right when he said I was just an “easy, meaningless lay on some dark, back road somewhere”. But even so, it doesn’t defend or make what you did right. And it definitely doesn’t change the fact that when push came to shove, you chose to be a coward and hide behind your lies, rather than be a man and own up to your part in what was done. So for that reason–and that reason alone–I’m not sorry. You don’t deserve the truth or to know what really happened. And if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I can live with that.

The unfortunate thing about all of this though, is how unnecessary it all was…and still is, apparently. It didn’t have to be this way. This didn’t have to be a war. But for some reason, you felt the need to declare it one. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you could be so cruel and so utterly vindictive. How could you get pleasure out of hurting me–or anyone for that matter–the way you did. I’ll never understand that. Just like I’ll never understand how I could be foolish enough to fall for, let alone love someone as cold as you. Though misguided as it was, I did love you. But still, if you really want to keep score–if that’s what will make you happy–then so be it. You win. Hands-down…you win, I lose. You got what you wanted, you broke me. I’m broken. You shattered the fairy-tale…just as you intended. You destroyed it all…everything I thought I knew. Happy now? Are you satisfied? You broke my heart. You ruined my life. You tore my reputation to shreds. You wrecked everything…you wrecked me. As for it all…I just hope you got what you wanted. I hope that it was all worth it. I really and truly do. Because that’s all there is. There’s nothing more for you to take, or to destroy. There’s just…nothing.

So please, just stop. Stop all of this. Stop reading my blog and looking for insights into truths that you will never find–and that trust me, you don’t want to find. Whatever you’re looking for–you won’t find it here. That much, I can assure you. What’s done, is done. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to keep looking over my shoulder, running from a past that I closed the book on and buried years ago. I’m sorry, truly, for the hurt that I caused you. But that’s all I am sorry for. That, and nothing else. I don’t know how else to convince you, but you’re wasting your time…hating and resenting and seeking revenge against a girl who, for all intended purposes, is now a ghost. I’m not that girl anymore, and I haven’t been her for a long time now. She’s gone. You saw to that. I grew up. I moved on. I let go. So, for the sake of common decency and a show of civility, I’d appreciate it if you would please just respect that and show me the same courtesy I’ve shown you, and stay off this blog. Please and thanks.

xoxo
MESSIE

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