THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Looking In The Rearview… January 22, 2013

Well, they say bad things come in three’s…and I guess they’re right. So here I am preparing for this big confrontation with the bestie about NYC–and preparing to having to head down on my own, seeing how the situation with her and the “boyfriend” has changed and all–and now she drops the bomb that she’s thinking of making it a dual move–aka having him come along with us. Umm, yeah. Not really sure what I think of that, at the moment. I’m a little thrown…not going to lie. Is it wrong to say that I’m a little mad about it? I mean, I want her to be happy, I do. And I’m glad things are working out so well between them, I am. I’m just…I don’t know if I really want to do it THAT way. I mean, I want to go to New York City–that hasn’t changed–and I am going to go…maybe by the end of this week if the trip down tomorrow goes well and everything pans out accordingly.

But this wasn’t the plan. The plan was for her and I to go down. Well, technically the plan was for ME to go down and then we kind of got caught up in the idea of how fun it’d be if we both went down together…but you know what I mean. It’s not that I’m jealous or feeling third-wheelish about it…because well, let’s face it. It’s New York City. Rent-wise alone–the more, the merrier I say. I mean, for a little while there we were thinking of including our friend Ryan into the plan, so yeah…it’s not that at all. It has to do with the fact that I don’t know this guy. I haven’t even met him actually. She’s made plans for us all to meet and hang out–a few times actually–but things have been really crazy and those plans kind of fell through the cracks. So no, we haven’t met. I don’t know him. I mean, I know what she’s told me about him–and I’m sure he’s probably a really nice guy and whatnot…but it’s not the same. But to be perfectly honest–I’m not too sure how I feel about moving in with some strange guy…in New York City. Granted the chances of him turning out to be some crazy psycho ax-murderer that will kill me in my sleep and chop me up into tiny pieces are lower than someone from roommates.com…but still…kind of creeps me out a little. I mean, seriously–how well can you really know a person in just a few months, you know? Hell, I “knew” what’s-his-name for almost 2 years and we all know how THAT turned out…and by that I’m referring to how, as it turned out, I didn’t know nearly as well as I thought I did. Actually, considering all that happened, it’s probably safe to say that I didn’t know him at all. But that’s kind of my point. I mean, you can think you really know a person…who they are, what you want them to be, what they want from you and out of life just in general…and then in the blink of eye, suddenly you’re sitting on opposite sides of a courtroom throwing insults and accusations at one another and trying to see who can hurt whom the most. Albeit that’s just me and my experience…it’s still a valid point, I think.

Speaking of, I think that’s actually part of the problem here and for why this is a little complicated….that our reasons for wanting to leaves (hers and mine) are so vastly different. She wants to go for her career…to start living her life. Don’t get me wrong, I want those things too, I really do…but there’s more to it than just that. Call me a coward, and well, I might very well be one. This is me running away. Yet again. I’m sorry, but it’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And I know I should probably stop doing it, but that task is far easier said than done. I mean, I’m not going to just wake up one day and find that everything has magically been fixed. Or accept that the world isn’t as fucked up as I know it is. It doesn’t work that way. I can’t change what happened. Or what I’ve done. I can’t go back. I can’t change what I’ve seen or take back all the hurt that I’ve felt. I can’t change anything. And right now, it’s out of my control. I can’t do anything about it–all the betrayals and disappointment and having to learn the hard way who can and cannot be trusted. So in order to not have to feel the pain…I run away. So far, I’ve found that running away is far easier than staying. That it doesn’t hurt as much as if I do. So yes, I’m running away…because I have to. Because I need to. Because it’s safer this way. So yes, it’s different.

That having been said, I’m not really sure what’s going to happen now. And just when I thought I had it all figured out…wouldn’t you know…totally figures.

xoxo,
MESSIE

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