THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Be OKAY… March 9, 2013

So there’s this song called “Be OK” by Ingrid Michaelson…the lyrics of which are practically a parallel to my everyday life…

VERSE:
I just want to be OK, be OK, be OK.
I just want to be OK today.
I just want to be OK, be OK, be OK.
I just want to be OK today.

VERSE:
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today.
I just want to feel something today.
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today.
I just want to feel something today.

VERSE:
Open me up and you will see.
I’m a gallery of broken hearts.
I’m beyond repair, let me be.
And give me back my broken parts.

VERSE:
I just want to know today, know today, know today.
Know that maybe I will be OK.
Just give me back my pieces.
Just give them back to me, please.
Just give me back my pieces.
And let me hold my broken parts.

VERSE:
I just want to be OK, be OK, be OK.
I just want to be OK today.
I just want to know today, know today, know today.
Know that maybe I will be OK.

—***—

Have you ever just woken up one morning and wondered why? Why you’re alive and here–why any of us are here? Do you ever just wonder what it all means? Wonder what your role in the world is, or what it’s going to be? Do you wonder if your existence will have meaning after you’re gone? Will your name be remembered or forgotten? If you died tomorrow, would anyone miss you? Or will people just lie and say they do? Would anybody care? Is there anyone even out there?

Do you ever wonder if this is all that there is? If we just live and die and that’s it…there’s nothing else? No afterlife, no reincarnation, no Heaven or Hell…nothing. Just dust and ashes. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you wonder if you’re destined for more? Destined for greatness–if you could only just stop hijacking your own happiness? Do you wonder if maybe you missed your chance while you were out there searching for something more? Looking for a love and magic that, for all we know, might not even exist. All that wasted time. All those wasted hours.

Do you ever feel as though you know nothing at all? That everything you thought to be true…is really just a lie? Do you ever feel like you don’t know what to believe in anymore…like you’ve lost complete faith in the entire human race?

Have you ever just felt like life isn’t worth living? That the world and everyone in it would be better off without you? Have you ever wanted to just give up–to stop trying and fighting so hard for a useless, broken cause? Have you ever wanted to forfeit–to just give in to voices and let yourself be immersed in all the pain? Have you ever felt so broken inside that you somehow just know that nothing can be done to fix it?

Have you ever welcomed the darkness or wished the silence would last forever? Do you dream of being somewhere else–a safer place–a better world? A world that knows no evil and knows no hate. A world where kids can be kids and can keep their innocence for a little while longer than we ever did. A world void of fear…where the monsters never leave their closets or their hiding places under beds. A world where you can be free to be yourself, no matter what. A place where people don’t accuse or quickly assume or judge what they don’t know.

Have you ever looked in the mirror only to find your reflection has been replaced with that of a stranger’s–and you’re unable to recognize your own face? Have you seen the emptiness in your eyes…the forced smile on your lips? Does your refection make you sick? Have you ever fallen so hard or sunk so low…ever lost complete control?

Have you tried to make things right…only to have your good intentions blow up in your face? Do you no longer have the strength to fight back? Do you constantly feel as though you’re under attack? Do you ever just want to go back in time and choose a different path? Would you do it all over again, knowing now all that you didn’t know then? Would you let the enemy win, for civility’s sake? Or would you fight to the finish?

They say everything happens for a reason…but do you believe them? Can you even trust them? Do you ever wonder about the truth…what the world would say or think if they knew the real you? Have you ever felt so afraid that the shame would completely consume and destroy you? Are you scared the past will come back to haunt and find you? That you’ll never truly be free? Do you want to run and hide, curl up into yourself and just cry? Do you sometimes want to die?

I do. I think about it all the time. I wonder what it must be like to be the one looking in from the outside–and not from the inside this time. How great is must feel to have a life that’s not such a mess. To not feel like such a broken, total wreck. To not be plagued by the voices in your head.

I wonder how it feels to NOT wonder…to not have questions that even need to be asked. I wonder how it’d feel to be OK for a change, even it’s just for one day…

xoxo
MESSIE

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