Should I Stay, Or Should I Go…

So I’ve been putting out some feelers in the job world these past few weeks, which if the responding offers that have been trickling in are any indication, seems to be going pretty well. I’ve been going through and looking into a handful of the offers I’ve gotten from places in New York City, which as you know, is where I’ve been planning to relocate to for well over a year now. Respectively, they all seem like great offers…but I’ve been having a hard time choosing, as of late. That is, it’s not really the offers themselves that I’ve been contemplating about, but rather it’s the location. Honestly, I just don’t feel like NYC is where I want to be anymore or if it’s the right place or fit for me…for my goals or my dreams–personal or professional.

Maybe I’m just being ridiculous and overthinking everything a little too much, but it’s just not me, you know? I’ve been trying to picture it all these months, living and working there, being happy…but there’s still this feeling of hesitation and doubt on my part. Career-wise, I could definitely do it…find success and all that. I’m just not sure about the finding happiness part. I want to belong and blend in, but I don’t want to get lost in the shuffle—if that makes any sense. For starters, I’m not a city girl. I’m a small-town girl through and through, as much as I hate to admit. I like the quiet and the peacefulness. I like being able to go out at night and look up and see stars…not skyscrapers and smog. I like the silence, and of being alone with my thoughts. I don’t know if I could get used to the sounds of the city every day and night, the noise and the sirens and the constant chatter. I think it would drive me crazy. That of course, I’ve known all along. Which begs the question, I’m sure, of why then I would still have considered going through with the move. I don’t really know the exact answer to that. I guess I just figured that I could somehow make it work; convinced myself that if I wanted it that badly or worked hard enough for it, then I just might get it. And even if that didn’t happen, then I’d just get used to it somehow. I guess I also just thought that so long as the bestie was down there with me, it’d be okay. At least then I wouldn’t have to be there or do it all alone.

I think about it a lot, actually…wondering how it all might have turned out had we moved down in January as we’d originally planned. If things hadn’t changed…if she hadn’t have met during that time the guy she’s still seeing now…if things hadn’t gotten so serious between them so fast…if only she hadn’t backed out of going. Of course I think about it. I mean, anyone would. It’s not that I resent her for changing her mind or begrudge her the relationship and her happiness, because I don’t. I’m happy for her, truly I am. I’m happy for them both actually. I’m not angry with her or blame her for the plans falling through like they did, because I don’t. It wasn’t her choices or changed decision that held me back…not entirely, anyhow. Ultimately, it was my choice to stay or to go. I chose to stay. There were a lot of things that were factored in to my decision to stay. Starting with my family, of course. I didn’t really want to up and leave everyone, not with everything that was going on at the time…primarily having to deal with my oldest niece Lena. She’s been in this weird sort of funk, you might call it, lately. Actually, it’s more like the past couple of years, to tell you the truth. She’s just not herself. I mean, she used to be this carefree, happy-go-lucky little kid and now she’s this brooding, almost-sad kid. She’s quiet and reserved—which is nothing like her at all. Maybe it’s just some kind of “tween” phase she’s going through and that she’s just growing up, but I don’t know. It just seems like it’s something else, like there’s something more to it. For example, she used to love school. You couldn’t keep her home even if she was really sick and definitely should have stayed home. Now she’s making up all kinds of excuses for not wanting to go. Even when she is home, she’s almost always hiding away in her room, wanting to be left alone. Partly, I think it has to do with the fact that now that she’s she getting older, she’s not getting the attention that she’s otherwise been used to. I mean, for the first 7 or so years she was used to getting most of the attention from everyone. Now there are the little ones that need it somewhat more, so she’s kind of getting pushed aside. Albeit, not from me though. Fortunately, that hasn’t changed. We still have our little snuggle parties where we watch our movies and shows and veg out all night to the tune of The Golden Girls, Grey’s, and mostly recently, Nashville. In other words, shows that are completely inappropriate for a 10-year-old little girl. I admit it…I’m totally a bad influence on her…but oh well. She’s so much like me that’s its unreal. I think that’s why she and I get along so well, because we relate so well to one another. That and the fact that I don’t treat her like a little kid like everyone else. I treat her like an equal. She knows that she can come to me and openly tell me anything, no matter what. She can giggle and get all starry-eyed and tell me all about the cute boy that’s in her class that all the girls are crushing on and not have to hear a lecture from me. Instead I’ll just tease her about it ‘til she rolls her eyes at me, gets all embarrassed, and tells me I’m being a weirdo…especially when I tell her that she’s not allowed to date or even think about dating boys until she’s at least thirty or I’ll kick the kid’s butt if anyone tries anything with her before then. She trusts me and confides in me and well, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Granted, I’m sure all that will change eventually when she becomes a teenager, but for now—I’m going to cherish it. Aside from that though, I think the biggest concern we all share in regards to her behavior changes right now is her eating habits. Or severe lack thereof, I should say. She doesn’t eat. Seriously, she doesn’t. And it’s not that she’s just a typical kid with typical picky eating habits…its way past that. It’s been a problem for about 4 years now, but in the past couple of years especially, it’s gotten far worse. She’s not picky…she hates all food just in general. Even the foods she used to like…now she supposedly hates them. Every day it’s literally a fight to get her to eat something. It’s bad, really bad. I mean the kid is pretty much just skin and bones. And there’s no getting through to her. She’s stubborn…which in this case, isn’t a good thing. Just to give you an idea of how bad I mean…she can still fit into clothes that she wore when she 2. Yeah, that—it’s bad. Honestly, I blame her stupid pediatrician. When it all started we took her to see him, and the guy made a real idiot move by essentially telling us that we were overreacting and telling her that her eating habits were perfectly normal.  It’s only been just in recent months that the guy grew a brain and is changing his tune. No wants want to make it official or mess her up somehow by slapping a label on her, but the truth is, she’s anorexic. She’s ten years old and she’s anorexic. It’s horrible and it’s sad and it’s frustrating…and if you ask me, could have been prevented a long damn time ago if that so-called pediatrician of hers hadn’t had his head up his ass all those years ago when he dismissed the problem. Naturally, we’re all trying our best to help and to somehow fix the issue, but we haven’t had all that much success with it. She’s just stubborn and hard-willed and set in her ways. It’s hard for me especially, having to watch this happen and not knowing how to help her. Mostly, I just feel like a total hypocrite when it comes to the issue. Hell, I’ve been fighting my own battle with Bulimia since I was 14…so about 12 years now…so out of everyone, I’d say I can probably relate most to the issue. Unfortunately, that’s not a good thing. I mean, I know what it’s like…how hard it is. How it feels to have everyone standing around staring at you and judging and telling you eat…thinking it’s just so damn easy to just change the bad habits overnight. Well, it’s not easy. Honestly, all the talks and threats all those years for me—just made it worse. So now, I don’t know what to do. I mean, how do I fix this little girl that I love more than life itself when I can’t even fix myself? It sucks. It just really, really sucks. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it’s my fault. If she saw what I’ve done or if she heard people talking about me and she wants to I don’t know, try to emulate me or something…but I really just don’t know. And it’s the not knowing that scares me most. I love her so much and I want to be there for her for everything and anything that she needs, but I’m beginning to think that maybe it’d be best if me and my bad influences weren’t around so much.

Which brings us to my original point for this post…which is that I’ve been starting to expand my horizons a bit, so to speak. Geographically speaking, that is, to be more exact. And so last week I was contacted about a position in Montana. I know, I know….Montana…it’s totally random. I know. But hey, when I was a kid I always did want to live on and have a ranch somewhere. I even wanted to start like some kind of outreach program for like orphans and runaways and whatnot…I guess I was a bit ambitious even then. And a dreamer. I pictured it so clearly in my head. It was going to be somewhere beautiful in the middle of nowhere, away from everything and everyone on acres and acres of lush green grass and rolling hills. There’d be a beautiful meadow with this big old oak tree where I’d go to think and write when I just needed to get away. A river nestled there where I could go swimming and cool off on a hot, summer day. I envisioned this big ranch house with a wrap-around porch and a tree swing out front where my kids might play. There’d be a dozen beautiful Thoroughbreds in a paddock nearby and the family dog would be a big St. Bernard named Beethoven. In my mind, it was beautiful. Now, while the idea is still quite appealing I admit, I’m not sure if I could do with being so removed from the rest of the world. The whole wide-open-spaces thing—I think I’ll leave that to the Dixie Chicks for the time being.

In addition to the Montana offer, I received an email response back from a great company in Seattle about a position that I can only describe as my ideal dream job. I’d be heading up the social media department, so dealing with things like Advertising and PR stuff. Basically, it’d give me the opportunity to do both of what I love doing—designing and writing. I’d even have opportunities to travel. It’s ideal, it really is. The company will even cover my relocation and moving costs. And of course, the salary and benefits being offered are nothing short of absolutely amazing. It just seems so perfect, you know? Almost too good to be true, even. I actually put together a little list of pros/cons over this past weekend and amazingly enough, there’s really only one negative thing I can think of for the con side…that it’s in Seattle. After all, if I were to take the offer, it’d be putting me 3000 miles away and on opposite coasts from my family and friends. Obviously, it’s a major decision to make. It’s a far cry from living just a 4 hour train ride from home in New York City. Boston too, which is where I was also considering going for a while. And yes, yes, yes I am all over the place with my thoughts…no lectures please, as I’m fully aware, thank you very much. I know.

Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I think I really want to go to Seattle. I think it’ll best in the long run. For everyone else. And for me. I want Lena to look up to me…and I want to be actually deserving of her adoration, you know? I have to figure out who I am and who I want to be. And in order to do that, I think I need to get away…to put as much space between myself and this place and all the drama that’s associated with it. I think it’s the only way I’m ever going to find myself. I have to do this on my own. I have to stop being so dependent on everyone else because—despite how much it sucks—people aren’t always going to be there. People leave. It’s just a fact of life. And when that happens, I need to know that I can stand on my own…that I can do this, be something, and be someone. I think I have a chance here to really do something with my life. A second chance to start completely fresh…without all the baggage. I want to start over. I want to move on. I want to be happy.

I’m thinking maybe I can do that in Seattle. Maybe I can really be happy there. It’s a beautiful city and place. Best part is, it rains a lot…and I love the rain. Always have. Having said all that, I think I just might give it a try and see how it all goes. I think it’s all I really can do right now….is try. And hope like heck that it works out. You never know…



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