You know the old adage “you can’t have your cake and eat it, too”? Well, I’m starting to think it applies to happiness as well, mine specifically, at least.
I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, and I honestly have no idea what to do. And I don’t like this feeling…not one bit. You see, it’s like this:
So my sister landed a teaching interview last week with the elementary school here, an opportunity she’s pretty much been wishing would come since they moved here. For starters, the school is literally right across the street from their house, so location is pretty much perfect. It’s not a done deal or anything yet. She still has to get picked for the second round of interviews and then there’s a whole committee interview process she’d have to go through–if she gets picked. She’s pretty confident though in that she really impressed the principal in her interview. Not that anyone would expect any less of her. I swear, she thinks of everything. From the moment she got the call about going in for an interview, she was on the computer researching the school district and the teaching curriculum for the school, preparing herself. That’s my sister. She doesn’t do anything halfway. It’s 110% or nothing at all with her. She’s meticulous like that. Sooo not me, but to each her own, right? Yeah. Anyhow, she’d kill for this job, pretty much. Right now she’s got an hour-and-a-half commute each way every day to work, which isn’t at all conducive to motherhood considering by the time she gets home at night, she’s lucky if she has even a couple of hours to spend with the boys before they go to bed for the night. And that’s if she doesn’t have work that she brought home with her…which in her case, is a fairly often occurrence. Again, for someone who’s used to making a complete effort towards everything she does, she feels guilty that she can’t devote all the time that she wants to and should to the boys. It’s like she’s got this idea in her head that she needs to be the perfect mother…which isn’t completely logical, if you ask me. I can understand that she wants better for the boys than what we had when it comes to parenting, but trying to be the perfect mother is just unrealistic. There’s too many factors involved…life, for starters. Anyways, the advantages of her getting this job are great. Location-wise, she won’t have to commute which will save her a lot of time, not to mention a ton of in gas money and mileage. Money that could be used for daycare…because she’s going to need it.
She’s not happy about that fact, of course. She doesn’t want the boys in daycare. I get her reservations on the topic, but I think it’s going to be an unavoidable option. She doesn’t really have any other choices. She’s tried. We’ve even tried persuading my grandmother and mother into moving and getting a place out here. That way when I leave, my grams will be here to watch the boys during the day while my sister and bro-in-law are at work. The original plan was to have my grams watch them anyhow. They were all for the idea actually…until my aunt/sister decided to be a bitch and squash the idea. She refuses to move or at the very least, let my grams and mother take the girls and move out here. No one’s taking “her kids”, she said. Which, if you knew her, you’d know is just plain comical considering she does absolutely nothing with “her kids”. And I mean nothing. If she spends even 10 minutes with the girls a day, that’d be something. Hell, it’d be a damn miracle. She’s a selfish bitch. She really is. She doesn’t give a damn about the girls. She treats them both like crap. She barely has anything to do with Emma…but she has no problem spending Emma’s SSI checks like it’s no big deal. Emma’s special-needs, and she has no idea how to interact or handle Emma…so she doesn’t. Hell, she doesn’t even bother to try. She’s pretty much the same way with Avie. When Avie was a baby, she was her showpiece, a cute little accessory to cart around and show off to people who have no idea how incredibly selfish and neglectful she is a mother. Now that Avie’s almost 4, she’s lost that appeal…so she ignores her just like she ignores Emma. That said, she’s just being a plain damn bitch by refusing to let the kids come out here. And there’s no way in hell that my grams is going anywhere without the girls. Which she knows. It’s a fact she likes to use to her advantage every chance she gets. It’s pathetic really. She’s not thinking of the girls in this at all. I mean, having them move out here isn’t just about having someone close-by to watch the boys. It’d be for the sake of the girls’ as well. Emma’s special-needs situation requires her to be a controlled classroom with a one-on-one aide. For the past few years, she’s had the same teacher and been in the same class…which has worked out satisfactorily, for the most part. But this year, thanks to the stupid district merger, everything is getting changed around. Meaning Emmie will be in a different classroom–possibly a different school–with a different teacher and no aide. All those factors are a bad combination. Emmie doesn’t adapt well or quickly to change, because of her delayed developmental situation. She can be downright difficult…and that’s putting it nicely. So now–after she’s gotten used to her class and the teachers have learned how to handle her in a productive way–they’re going to uproot her and possibly undo all the progress she and the teachers have made these past few years. To me, that’s bullshit. And to make it worse, they’re taking her one-on-one aide–which is just a recipe for disaster. She needs an aide, if for no other reason than physical safety. For starters, her depth perception is completely off. So she needs someone to be there when she’s going up and down stairs, just in case. She falls a lot and is constantly covered in bruises because of it. Not only that, she has epilepsy, so god forbid if she were to have one of her seizures in school, she’d need someone there. Although the effectiveness of the aide is debatable sometimes…like the time that she’s run off while she was outside with the rest of her class. In that incident, the aide supposedly turned her back for a moment to help another student and by the time she turned back to Emma, she was gone. The kid is tiny, but damn she’s fast. She was practically on the other side of the field by the time they spotted her, having crawled through a hole in some fencing to do so. The kid isn’t stupid, believe me. She’s far from it, if you ask me. She smart and clever and she does whatever she wants…like it or not. That said, I can only imagine what might happen now that she doesn’t even have her own aide anymore. That is, I don’t want to imagine. It’s not going to be a good thing, that’s for sure. She’d be so much better off here in this school district than the one she’s in. And Avie’s starting pre-school this year, so it’d be the perfect timing to move. Granted, Angelina isn’t too keen on the idea, considering she’s 11 and naturally, doesn’t want to leave her friends and the home she’s grown up in–but it’s not up to her. She’s the child. They’re the adults. Though they tend to forget that fact…a lot. They’ve let her get away with holy hell over the years, so she’s gotten to be really hard to handle. Which is a big reason why they SHOULD get away from there. It’s only going to get worse when she’s a teenager, which is only a couple of years away. She needs to be somewhere else. It’s for the best, really. I know she won’t see it that way at first–god knows I didn’t when I had to switch schools in the middle of 7th grade myself–but like I did, she’ll eventually realize that she was much better off. Or I hope she would, at least. But that’s not going to happen with my sister playing the Mommy’s Possessions card.
So daycare is looking to be the only option. I’m not staying. I’ve thought about it and thought about it and well, I’m not doing it. I won’t. I need to leave and do myself for once. I need to have my own life and my own space. It’s time. Still, it sucks that I can’t help out my sister. I don’t want to be, but I still kind of feel guilty for leaving. I wish I could help her, I really do. But it’s just not possible. I need to do this. I need to go. This is my shot. I’d be a fool not to take it. I just wish I could feel happier about it…instead of feeling miserable and guilty. I wonder if that’ll go away. Hopefully it does before it’s time for me to leave, or this move is going to S-U-C-K. Big time. Oh well, I guess we’ll see.