When The Time Comes.

So it looks like I might have a moving budding/roommate come December when I move to Nashville. That’d be my friend Ryan, so that’s a big emphasis on might. He recently just moved back to New York, having spent the past 6 or so years living in Dallas, Texas. He’s no more keen on staying in New York for the long haul than I am, so he says he’ll go. Unfortunately, he’s proven to be a little “flighty” come commitment time, so I’m going to just hold my breath ’til the time comes and see what happens.

Honestly, I’m a little undecided about how I feel about the idea of having him move down with me. I mean, on the one hand, I think it could be fun. I think the fact that our friendship has maintained intact–for the most part–all these years despite the distance, is saying something. And our being friends, at the very least, takes away that whole “stranger roommate” tension, so there’s that. I love him to death and I trust him, so I don’t have to worry about getting screwed over. I know him way too well for that. Plus, I think it’d be a little easier to settle in and get to know Nashville with someone I know there with me. If nothing else, it’d be a hell of a lot less lonely.

On the other hand, I’m a little worried about what it might do to our friendship. I mean, I’ve been there. I’ve done the whole roommate and friends thing once before with the Bestie, and well…that didn’t work out so well. In fact, it was pretty much a total disaster. It nearly tore our friendship apart. I’m not looking forward to having a repeat of that show…no thank you. Also, knowing him as well as I do, well it could have its’ disadvantages, I’m thinking. For instance, in a lot of ways, he still hasn’t grown up. He’s older than I am–in his thirties now–and he’s still got that cocky, egotistical teenager mentality that is annoying as hell. We tell each other everything…too much, sometimes. I mean, I’m glad that we can share things and be honest with one another–but there’s only so much I want to hear about his sex life–and by so much, I mean none at all.  He’s really full of himself and loves to brag–which is fine….if I were one of the “guys”, but I’m not.

Fortunately, there’s no sexual chemistry there. We experimented with that once and as it turns out, we just don’t click in that way. He’s like the awesome big brother I never had.

Despite all of that, I think what worries me most is that him being there is going to change everything. I mean, the whole point of moving this far away is to get away from here and everything that reminds me of this area. My main objective was a fresh start. That was the plan. And it’s a good plan. But if he comes with me, that’s not really a clean break, you know?

He doesn’t think I’m going to go through with it. He’s a little skeptic, considering my track record. I mean, after all, I was supposed to be in NYC over a year ago. That didn’t happen obviously, but I had my reasons. In my defense, the Bestie backing out kind of threw a big wrench into those plans. We had everything planned out and then everything bottomed out. I may be a little idealistic, but I’m not stupid. You don’t move to NYC by yourself on just big plans and big dreams alone. But this time, it’s happening.

I’m scared though. Scared it won’t work out. Scared that I’ll get there and I’ll want to come back. I’m scared that I’ll fail…and that I’ll HAVE to come back. That worries me the most. That’ll I’ll disappoint everyone…and myself. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to come running back home with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I want to be successful. I want to prove everyone wrong who says I won’t make it and that I won’t last. I want to prove to them–and to myself–that I can do this. That I can make it–without them. That I can do this on my own. I know that proving a point is a ridiculous reason for leaving, but it is what it is. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. It’s time I change my own luck and make my own destiny.

It’s time.

But, we’ll see.

We will see.

xoxo MESSIE

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