Freaking Out In Three-Two-One…

As Peg from “Peg + Cat” would say… I’m totally¬†freaking out. Yes, I know, I watch too much PBS. What can I say, I take care of 9-month-old twins. It’s unavoidable. ūüôā

Anyhow…I am. Freaking out, that is. Totally. I set my moving day… December 29th. I was going to go down earlier in December, right after my classes end on the 16th, but I decided to push it back. I want to be here for the twins’ first birthday–they’ve essentially become like my own little guys, so of course, I need and want to be here for that. And I thought it’d be nice to spend Christmas with my family…as I’m not sure when it’ll be once I get down there that I’ll be able to visit again. So yeah, December 29th should play out well.

That said, it’s almost October! Which means I have exactly 3 short months left. Gosh, there’s so much to do. Sooooo much. Silly me, I never even thought about all that would go into a move like this before I made the decision to actually move. Typical Messie. I leap before I think. Always. Note to myself, I really need to stop doing that. Yep. So now that I’ve done my homework–I’m freaking out a little. I feel like I don’t have enough time. I mean, there’s soooo much. I have to find an apartment, for starters–which is ten times harder than it would be if I were actually down there and looking, rather than being in New York like I am. And then there’s all that cable and electric stuff to figure out–ugh I hate that. I’ve had some luck–I found a couple of nice places that are nearly right across from the school, which would be great if it all works out. I’d literally only be a couple of minutes from Downtown Nashville, which would be awesome.

Then there’s the whole actual moving dilemma, do I want to rent a U-haul and drive down, or just ship all my stuff down…decisions, decisions. I’m kind of leaning towards driving down. You know, take in a little scenery and such. I’m thinking of asking the Bestie if she wants to tag along on the little road trip. We’ve been saying for years that we should take one and this seems like an opportunity as any. She refuses to move to Nashville with me–and trust me, I’ve asked her. I mean, she doesn’t want to be here in NY any more than I want to, so it’s not a ridiculous idea. She thinks the city is¬†all country¬†songs and cowboy boots–and won’t hear or believe¬†otherwise from me–so she won’t. I just talked to her the other day and apparently her boyfriend is planning on moving down to NYC at the end of the year for a job opportunity and she’s considering going with him. While I don’t exactly LIKE the boyfriend–he can ¬†be a total douchebag, pardon my language and I think she can do so much better than him–I think maybe the move could be a good thing for her. She needs a change of scenery. A fresh start. We both do. If he goes, I’m sure she’ll follow. I know her. For some reason, the girl can’t function outside of a relationship. She’d rather be unhappy in a relationship than happy and single. It’s one of her crazy little quirks that I long ago stopped questioning. It’s just who she is. So she’ll go. Hopefully she’ll find her way when she does…with or without the boyfriend. That’s all I can hope for her. She’s smart and talented…she’ll figure it out. It sucks that she’ll be there and I’ll be hours away in Tennessee, but distance doesn’t define a friendship…or shouldn’t, I should say. I think this is why they say that growing up and being an adult is so hard…having to grow APART from the things that you’ve known. I’ve always had her there to lean on–even when I didn’t want her to be or need her to be. And vice versa. Now…a phone call, text, or email will have to suffice. And we can visit now and then. People do it all the time, right? It’ll be okay. I hope.

I talked to my friend Ryan last night…the one who is supposed to be moving with me. I hadn’t talked to him in awhile, so I wanted to see where he was at, mind-wise on things. He says he’s still “all in”…but I’m not so sure. Turns out, he’s back in Texas. Go figure. He says he just doesn’t want to be in New York and that Texas is temporary until the Nashville move, but I don’t know if I believe that. It’s hard to believe it. I mean, he does this all the time. He says he’s moving back to New York…and then he’s back for a few days or weeks…and the next thing I know, he’s suddenly back in Texas–spouting off about how there’s nothing left for him in New York and blah blah blah. It’s exhausting. I mean, I love the guy. I do. And I would love more than anything for us to go to Nashville together–I think it’d be great to have a friend there with me, someone I know and trust–but I just don’t think its going to happen, despite what he says. I mean, Texas is the place he always defaults to. And there has to be a reason for that, DESPITE what he says. You don’t just keep going back to a place –1600 miles away, mind you — just because you don’t want to stay somewhere. It’s just not rational. And if Texas is still his default now…I can’t see that instantly changing in three months when its time to leave. And that’s by biggest fear. That we’ll get everything planned out and set and when the time comes to get on the road–he’ll back out and I’ll be screwed and alone. It’s not really the alone part that bothers me so much–I mean, that was originally the plan starting out, so going back to it won’t be a big shock. Maybe it’s selfish, but if I move down there with him–I need¬†to be able to depend on him staying…and not backing out and running back to Texas on me. I don’t know if I can do that with him. And I hate to tell him that, I really do. So…I’m faced with a dilemma. Do I plan for the two of us to go down, or take the safe route and plan for just one–for me? I don’t know what to do.

So yeah…this is me, totally freaking out. Just me. No cat.

Yikes! — xoxo MESSIE



Avie J.

pretty avie (border)

So Avie and I have this cute little thing that we always say to one another:

I love you to the moon and back.
I love you the most-est.
I love you too much.
Pinky promise with a kiss.
Forever and ever.

And god, do I love her. I do. She’s like sunshine in a bottle. A breath of fresh air.¬†She’s all energy and more energy. Nonstop. It’s crazy. She does everything¬†at a run…like she’s afraid that she’ll miss out on¬†something if she slows down. She’s smart and funny and wickedly independent. She’s absolutely and without a doubt,¬†amazing.

The fact that she’s nearly 4 1/2 years old already…well, it just seems so surreal to me. Where oh where has the time gone?¬†I remember the day that she was born. I remember it, like it was just yesterday. I remember holding her in my arms and looking¬†down at her, thinking it was impossible to love someone¬†as much as I loved her. She was beautiful and perfect. And she saved me.

She saved me.

She did. I was in such a dark place before¬†she was born.¬†It was like I was going through the paces…but I wasn’t really there. Or I didn’t want to be anyhow.¬†So much had happened that I was certain I would never be happy again. And for a long time there, I honestly didn’t feel like I deserved to be. My secrets were slowly tearing me down and there was so much pain and resentment…and fear. There was a lot of fear. I was scared of everything. Scared of living.

But she was like this sudden, bright ring of hope in my world of darkness. She brought me back. Her smiles, the absolute trust in those gorgeous blue eyes of hers…and her unconditional love.

She saved me. My little wonder-upon-wonders.

My little Avie J.


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