How Do I Say This

So I talked to Ryan last night (the friend that’s supposed to be moving down to Tennessee with me) and well…now I’m rethinking everything–that is, the part where we move down together. He sent me this message pretty much listing a lot of stuff that’s been happening with him out in Dallas…and most it isn’t good. Not to get into particulars, but he’s gotten into some bad stuff and the situation has pretty much gone to hell for him. Now he says he’s moving back to NY and getting a job up here to save up before we go down in December and honestly, I don’t know what to think…or do.

I’ve asked the Bestie and my family for advice on what to do–and they all pretty much say the same thing…cut him loose. It sounds so horrible and so mean…but I’m really thinking it’s what I’m going to have to do. And I feel miserable about it. Like really, really miserable. I mean, what kind of a friend am I to essentially turn my back on him when he’s already got so much going on as it is? Heck–what kind of a PERSON does that make me? I feel really bad for him, I do…but at the same time, I have to think what about me? What about my plans and my goals and my dreams? I’ve been planning and saving up for this move for well over a year now. I’ve worked hard to get into this art school and to get to where I am now–to be both financially and emotionally prepared for this. I struggled with the decision to leave for months. And I still have that nagging guilt when I think of December and how I’m going to be leaving my family and everyone I care about behind. But the whole point of this was to finally do something for myself. To finally get the fresh start that I so desperately need–and deserve! Nashville’s supposed to be my clean slate. No drama from the past following me, no bad memories haunting me, no having to avoid people and places…nothing but a clean new slate. That’s what I wanted…and it’s what I still want. More than anything. And as much as I want to be a good friend–I have–no I need to put myself first for once. All my life, I’ve always done what everyone else wanted. I’ve always put everyone else first. It’s not that I regret doing all of that–but it’s time for a change.

Ryan’s my friend and I love him to death, I do…but it’s not like we’ve been the closest of friends in recent years. That sounds a little cold, but it’s the truth. When he left and moved to Dallas 8 or so years ago… he didn’t think twice about going and he didn’t look back. Naturally, we all fell out of touch with one another. I mean, 1200 miles will do that. It’s not like I didn’t try to keep in contact. I’d text him or send him a message on Facebook or write on his wall…but he rarely replied. The only times we really ever heard from him was when he’d send us a text to say that he was going to be back in New York visiting for a few days. Of course, since the Bestie and I were the only friends he still really had in NY, he’d want to hang out. But in the handful of times over the past 8 years that he’s visited, it’s never really made up for the fact that he’d go months or years in between without contacting us. And the last couple of times that he’s visited, he’s blown us off entirely. The last time he was here he made such a big to-do about coming to visit and begged us to hang out, and after a couple of days of hearing nothing from him, I got a hold of him only to find out that he was here for a day or two, got bored and fed up with NY–like always–and left and went back to Dallas. I mean, rude doesn’t even begin to cover what that was. And it’s not only that–it’s all the conversations we’ve had over the years. It’s always the same thing…him bitching about how much New York sucks and that there’s nothing and no one left here for him and that basically everyone in this area is going nowhere in their lives…yeah…it gets old after a while. Especially when hello–he’s dissing his own hometown, the place where he grew up. I mean, I don’t want to stay here forever either–but that doesn’t mean I hate it here. I’ve just outgrown it. And it’s like he never realized that when he said that stuff, he was basically saying that we–the Bestie and I–didn’t matter. Which wasn’t right. So yeah, he’s been gone for 8 years. And I’m pretty much just starting to realize this, but we’re not the same people that we were 8 years ago. I know that I’m not, at least. And a part of me wonders if we’re even really still friends. I mean, friends don’t just shut you out of their lives for years until it’s convenient for them, right?

I’m going to come right out and be blunt here. I don’t want the bulls**** that’s he mixed up in ANYWHERE near me. I don’t want to deal with it or bring it with me to Nashville. I just don’t. I think the Bestie said it best when she told me to tell him that he needs to straighten out his life. I think she’s right. He does. And as selfish as it may sound and seem–and maybe it is–but I don’t want to stick around and wait for him to do that–or be there in Nashville and hope like hell that he does what he says he’s going to do and changes once we get there. I mean, if he wants to get his shit together and THEN eventually move down to Nashville…THEN I might think of giving it a go and maybe trying to find a place together or something. But this whole idea of him figuring things out WHILE we move…yeah, I can’t do it. Again, I know that makes me a horrible person and friend–but I have my limits. And honestly, I have enough on my plate right now. I have to get MY LIFE straightened out. I can’t be trying to help him fix his. I need to do this alone. The way I originally intended. It’s the only way it’s going to work.

So…how do I tell him that and not completely destroy whatever definition of a friendship that we still have left…let alone push him over the edge and into doing something stupid–because I definitely don’t want that on my conscience!- ?? What do I say? Do I tell him the truth? Do I do nothing and see how it all plays out? Do I say nothing if and when he tries to contact me and just go down in December with no regrets? Ugh….what am I going to do…. ??




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