You know how you can tell you’re heading for a burnout? Yeah…I’m there. I forget what it’s like to feel rested. I swear, sometimes I really do feel like I’m just going through the motions. I seem to have developed a lovely bout of insomnia these past few weeks, which is less lovely and more like hell. I think it’s all the stress…taking care of the twins, trying to keep up with this insane amount of school work, and the move–definitely the move–that’s got me all up in this funk of sorts. In the words of a sullen teenager…this sucks. 😦
So I decided to go ahead and make alternate plans for the move–without Ryan. As much as it kills me to do it, I know it’s for the best. In the long run, I think if he did end up moving down with me, it’d only exacerbate his issues. He needs to get things figured out and I don’t think a new city and the stress of getting settled down in a new place is going help him any. And I really want him to get well. Regardless of what happens, I do care about him. He’s a good guy–even if he is a tad bit stuck on himself and he’s a thirty-something-year-old man who refuses to grow up. I’ve thought about it a lot over the past few days and I’ve come to the realization that you can’t fix people. You can be there for them. You can be their shoulder to lean on. But in the end, they have to fix themselves. It’s not up to me to judge him or tell him how to live his life. He has to want to change for himself. He says he’s there, at that point, but I just don’t know. And I’ve struggled with this, but I just can’t bring that kind of uncertainty down to Tennessee with me. I just can’t. This means way too much to me. This is my chance. This is my make it or break it moment. I have so much riding on this, so many people watching and just waiting for me to screw up and I can’t–I won’t–give them the satisfaction. Not this time.
Speaking of stress, it doesn’t help that my mom is sick. God, I hate cancer. I really do. It’s just taken so much from me and my family already and I hate it. I really do. She’s fighting back though. Or trying to. She finished her chemo treatments at the end of last month, so she’ll be going for her PET scan one day next week. A couple of days after that, she and my sister will be going out to Roswell in Buffalo and she’ll find out then if the chemo’s done its job or god forbid, the cancer has spread. Honestly, I don’t even want to think about the latter. I just can’t. It’s too much right now to deal with, on top of everything else. It’ll change everything, I know…and I don’t want to go there. For once in my life, I don’t want to be jaded or cynical. I want to hold on to the hope that miracles can and DO happen. That just because cancer has screwed us in the past, doesn’t mean it’ll win this time. I have to have faith that my mother IS the exception….and that’s she’s strong enough to beat this. She and I haven’t always seen eye to eye in the past, but she’s still my mother. Though there’s been times I’ve questioned her judgement and resented her for it, she gave me life. This crazy, hectic, mostly a beautiful disaster that I call a life. It hasn’t always been easy, but as the saying goes, it’s been worth it. I have so much to be grateful for–so much that I’m just realizing…and it all starts with her. Honestly, I can’t imagine a world without her in it. She has her moments and I have mine where I wonder how we’re even related–but I think I’d miss her bitching and nitpicking. She’s part of my crazy, dysfunctional puzzle that I call a family. And in the end, family is really all that you’ve got. But like I said…I’m turning over a new leaf and saying out with all the negativity. I don’t need it in my life. Nope. It’s all rainbows and puppies right now.
Life is good. A little chaotic…a bit of a mess…all kinds of insane…but good, nevertheless. For the moment. And I’m going to be grateful for that right now. Because right now…today…is all we’re guaranteed, as they say. Tomorrow…is a mystery.