So my sister and I took the twinnies to the pumpkin patch for their first time today…
It made me think of all the little things that I’m going to miss when I leave. Which of course, made me tear up…which is so unlike me. I’m not the emotional sort. At least not out in the open. I cry…a lot. I just tend to do it behind closed doors. I don’t like to show my emotions. I don’t know why. I remember even when I was little and I’d get hurt, I wouldn’t cry. When I was upset, I’d bottle it up. When I got older, the same thing. When I was twelve, I started writing in a journal. It was always a journal, never a diary. I don’t know why I never called it a diary. I guess I just always thought I was too old for that sort of thing, even then. I was always older than my years, so to speak. I swear, sometimes I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in these 27 years. But yeah. There was my journal…and some other not-so-healthy outlets that I’ve (thankfully) since grown out of.
But these days, with the boys, it’s like nonstop waterworks–all the time. Like when Ty started crawling. I just stood there in complete shock, tears running down my face for a few seconds before–naturally– I ran to get my phone so I could record the whole thing to upload for my sister to see later. I guess it’s just that I feel so grateful to be able to be here to see all of it, to be here for these firsts. I’m the one that noticed both of the boys first teeth coming in, both of them rolling over for the first time, seeing their reactions when they try different foods for the first time, their first holidays and big celebrations, Ty crawling AND standing up on his own for the first time. Ty even calls me Mom–though I somehow convinced my sister that he’s calling me “Mim” and not “Mom” (she’s super-touchy about that lol).
Gosh, and here I thought it was hard when I left for college the first time around when Angelina–my oldest niece–was a baby. I was 18 then and school was only 40 minutes away. This might as well be another continent away, for how it feels. I’m starting to feel homesick already for the boys–and I haven’t even left! I can’t imagine how hard it’s going to be when I DO leave. I feel like my heart is being torn into pieces. I didn’t think it was going to be THIS hard. I keep telling myself that they AREN’T my kids. But for all intents and purposes, they kind of are. I mean, I’ve been with them since they were born…well, almost. Since they were a couple of weeks old anyway. Every day. 24/7. I know their cries. Their sounds. Their little laughs. I know that Jakey is NOT a morning person and that Ty LOVES to be cuddled as soon as he wakes up. I love these little guys like they were my own and it’s gonna absolutely kill me to leave them. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Pictures and Skype just aren’t going to suffice. I’m going to be in Jakey and Ty withdrawal. It’s going to be soooo tough. I really hope my sister learns how to take good pictures because she’s going to have to take A LOT of them every single day. And hopefully they won’t forget me. I know they’re really little…but hopefully they’ll remember. Because I will. Either way, I’m still grateful I get all these little moments with them. Their first year. It’s not everything, but to me, it’s so, so much.