THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Down To The Wire… December 29, 2014

Filed under: #NYtoTN,family — MESSIE @ 9:54 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Grrrr…why does packing have to be a total drag? And I thought the first time “college packing” sesh was bad…but this, this is sooo much worse. Who’d have thought that one person could accumulate so much extra stuff in the short time span of a few years? And by that, I mean me. I don’t know how it happened, especially considering how much stuff I got rid of or gave to the Bestie when I moved out of my last apartment. Now this whole packing dilemma has reached new heights on my this-sucks-o-meter, for I now have to go through everything and pick and choose between what stays packed away in my grams’ attic and what’s going to Tennessee with me. Oh, how I wish I could summon some magical little fairy to do it all for me. Time is literally wasting away here. I have exactly ten days left to get everything done and squared away–and it’s not enough time…neither literally or figuratively.

Moving on to another subject…I had a little “weak” moment earlier. I had to watch the Twinnies today while my sister and brother-in-law took my mother out to Roswell in Buffalo for her post-op and pathology appointment (good news–all her tests came back clean so she’s officially in remission!). So I brought the boys downstairs after they woke up this morning and Ty wanders over and puts his arms out, wanting to be held. So I picked him up and we did our typical morning cuddle. As we were doing that, I suddenly came to the realization that I’m going to be leaving them in ten days and probably won’t see them again for, at the very least, six months when the semester is over. And even that’s not definite because I have no idea what’s going to happen when I get down there…if I’ll get a job and settle there for good or come back to New York during the summer break. Hopefully, the former will happen…but unfortunately that means not visiting as much…which already makes me sad. All I could think about while Ty and I were cuddling and watching Jakey demolish the toy bin is that, even if I do come back this summer, they’re already going to be 18 months old…which means there’s a pretty good chance that they’ll have forgotten me. That’s what really got to me when I was thinking about it because those two boys mean the world to me. I’ve practically raised them this entire year and I know that six months is an awfully long time to expect them to remember me. It breaks my heart that that might happen, more so because I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change my mind and stay here in New York. I just can’t. I don’t belong here. Where it is that I do belong–well, I don’t have the answer for that. Hopefully, it’ll be Nashville…hopefully…but who knows. All I know is that it’s not here. I have to go. I have to get away from this place and all the memories and figure out how to function in the adult world on my own. I need to do this. Even if I wanted to, it’s too late now to back out. Everything’s already in motion, I’m registered with school and expected there on the 10th. I can’t just not go. Nor can I stay here any longer. Because I know that the longer I stay, the worse it’ll be. If I stay here, I’ll end up being pulled into my sister’s web and guilted into taking care of the boys until their school-age. I don’t want that. I love those boys, but I’m not their mother…and it might sound harsh, but I don’t want to spend the next four years of my life raising someone else’s children. I need to have a life of my own. I need to find myself. Maybe I’ll find those answers is Nashville…maybe I won’t. But I know that if I don’t go now, I’ll regret it. And I have enough regrets. I don’t need to add another to the list. Trust me, I really don’t.

And it’s back to the packing grind I go…

‘Til Next Time,

xoxoMESSIE

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