Leaving One Home For Another.

Well, I survived my visit to New York. All in all, it was a pretty good trip. My aunt Dar picked me up from the airport and it was nice to have a good catch up conversation with her on the hour trip back. I decided to surprise my mother and stopped by her work on the way to my grams’. I figured it’d be nice to say hi to her first, considering she’s really been the most consistent one out of the family to keep in touch with me these past four months. It’s a little ironic, considering we haven’t ever really had that close mother-daughter relationship over the years. But it’s all good.

Went to my grams’ next. I hung out in the foyer when we got to the house and surprised Avie. She wasn’t no time throwing herself at me the second she saw me, which was sweet. That’s my Avie. Ever the sweetheart. It was a little more of a bittersweet reunion with the Twinnes though, who were sitting in their high chairs when I got to the house. One of my biggest concerns and worries about going back was that they wouldn’t remember me, which unfortunately was the case with Tyler, more so than Jakey. It took Tyler a little bit to warm up to me, which was somewhat of a hard pill to swallow. When I went to walk up and reach for him, he shied way towards my grams and started crying a bit. Of course, that got me crying. It was the exact opposite with Jakey, who’s face just lit up the moment he saw me. I don’t know if it was that he actually remembered me, or if it was just Jakey being Jakey who loves absolutely everybody. Either way, it made me feel a little better, especially when he held out those little arms to me. I took him out and just held on. He still had that sweet little baby smell that I remembered and for a moment, it was as if the past four months hadn’t happened. It’s funny because while I’ve been down here in Nashville, it’s been easy to forget just what it is that I’ve been missing out on…but being back there, holding that sweet little guy in my arms…it hurt. God, it hurt so, so much. And while I know that it’s supposed to, that this is just a part of living…of moving on and starting my own life…it still hurts. Anyhow, it didn’t take Ty long to warm up to me…ten minutes baby. After that, it was like I’d never left. Ty, still my little cuddle boy, wouldn’t let me be the rest of the weekend. I swear, if I was anywhere within a ten foot radius of that kid, he was rushing over to be held. It was so sweet. They both were. Just so, so sweet.

And speaking of sweet…surprising Lenie had to have my most favorite moment out of the entire trip. We worked it out so that I was gone with Ava when Angelina got home from school (because we all knew full well that the second Lena walked in the door, Ava would have spilled the beans) and then I snuck inside and waited in the kitchen. They sent Lena in on the guise of getting the keys or something I think and I swear, it was the cutest thing. She walks in and did like a double take, then literally launched herself at me. She was crying, I was crying…it was ridiculously sweet. She was so surprised and so happy and in that moment, it was worth it…schilling out 600 bucks on airfare for four short days, getting nearly no sleep, rushing around to the airport…not to mention the fact that it’s the middle of finals and probably not the greatest time to be running off to different states. But like I said, it was so worth it. Just to see her face light up like that–so worth it.

I went back with my sister and stayed with her, my bro-in-low, and the boys. Emmie had a doctors appointment Friday morning, so I volunteered to watch the boys Friday while they were all at work…yeah. That was interesting, to say the least. Let’s just say that it’s a whole lot different watching twin boys when they’re babies than it is when they’re toddlers. I swear, I was about to lose my mind. No joke. They were running around…literally, running…and getting into everything and anything they could find and it was just chaos. Total, absolute chaos. My sister called at some point and I was literally like, what the hell did you do to my boys…which she found absolutely hilarious. Me, not so much. I mean, it’d only been 4 months. You don’t expect them to change that much in four months. Well, I didn’t. And they did. And I was completely at a loss for what to do other than to completely lose my mind. It was different…that’s for sure. But they’re still awesome. Even more so now that they’re both mobile and talking. It’s funny and sweet and chaotic as all get out…but awesome.

I didn’t get to see the bestie or Ryan, for that matter. I think I texted Erin on Sunday or something to see if she wanted to do anything, but she had to work she said and that’s all I heard back from her. I didn’t bother with it further. The way I see it is that she knew when I was going to be back. If she wanted to hang out, she would have gotten ahold of me. Same goes for Ryan. They didn’t. And while I’d normally be upset about that…I’m really not. I mean, so much is different. They have their lives, I have mine. I don’t expect them to just put their lives on hold because I’m in town for a few days. That’s not logical, or fair. And at the same time, I don’t expect things to be the same. I live 900 miles away. I have new friends and a life that they just aren’t a part of it. Not that it doesn’t hurt a little…it does…especially with Erin. I mean, she’s known I was coming since January, when I booked the tickets. And she’s been saying how she wanted to hang out…and then I get there and I don’t hear anything from her until I get ahold of her…yeah, that stings. But it’s what it is. And I’m okay with it. Maybe this is how it is. That this is how it goes when friendships start to burn out. I mean, I hope that’s not it, but then I can’t exactly expect things to stay the same when so much about how things are right now is different. I guess this is what it’s really like to be a grown-up. It sucks…but that’s life. Right?

Anywho, the leaving wasn’t the best. I cried. Of course, I cried. I said goodbye to my mother the day before because she was going to be gone for work before I got back to my grams’ Monday morning with my sister and the boys. My flight wasn’t until 3, so I got to say goodbye to Angelina before she left for school, along with Emma. Then when I was leaving to head to the airport and had to say goodbye to Ava, the twins, and my grams–that was by far, the worst. My grams, again, was like, you know you can always come home and I had no idea how to tell her that that was exactly the problem…that it was no longer HOME for me. It’s hard to explain because while it hurt so much to leave, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to leave the place…it was that I didn’t want to leave THEM. The people. That’s who and what I miss. Not the place. New York doesn’t feel like home anymore. Nashville does. And I’m so happy here. Which is what’s so hard to explain to them when I’m standing there, bawling my eyes out and dragging out the leaving. It’s the leaving that hurts. So, so much.

Now I’m back and it feels good to be here. It really does. I love it here. I feel good here. Like me. That’s a good thing. Isn’t it? I hope it is.

P.S. Here’s a really cool pic I took on the flight back. So pretty. (Charlotte, NC)



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