Un-fixable Me.

So I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months now. He’s nice and funny and overall, a genuinely great guy. Nearly perfect, even…maybe a little too perfect, I sometimes think. He’s nothing at all like the guys I’ve known. And everyone is telling me that its a good thing…that he’s the type I guy I should be looking for, rather than the bad-boy jerk type I tend to be attracted to and gravitate towards in the past….but I’m not so sure. Which is absolutely crazy because he’s so nice and so sweet…a real, in-the-flesh Southern gentleman. And I know it makes absolutely no sense–it kind of scares the hell out of me. In my experience, just when things start to go well and everything seems perfect…that’s right when the bottom falls out and everything just goes to hell. It always happens, without fail. As much as I like being with and spending time with him, I’ve got this nagging feeling that won’t go away–that’s telling me to end it now, to just walk away before it’s too late…before it goes any further. Before one or both of us get hurt. It’s a little ironic actually, considering that for so long, I’ve been the one that’s scared of getting hurt…but this time is different. This time, I’m worried that I’ll be the one to hurt him.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but I can’t help but think that I’m going to ruin him. I mean, he’s just this genuinely sweet, nice guy…and me, well I’m just 50  shades of fucked up. I don’t see the point in sugarcoating it. I’m a mess…a disaster…jaded in more ways than I thought possible. Especially when it comes to relationships. And I blame the jerk from 6 years back for that. For making me lose my faith in love, for proving to me– in the worst possible ways that he could– that the only person in this world you can truly trust is yourself. At this point in my life, after everything that’s happened, I just don’t know who to trust anymore…so I trust no one. I know it’s not fair to hold the mistakes of that one jerk against every other guy I come in contact with, but I can’t help it. I guess that’s just the unfortunately reality and consequence of having been hurt and used and wrecked by the people in my past…people I never for a second thought would ever hurt me like they did, like HE did. I was so wrong…so wrong.

When I think back on it all, I realize just how naive I was. I wasn’t some Cinderella-type looking for her Prince Charming or anything, but I believed in love. And I thought that falling in love would be the greatest feeling–and it was…for about 5 minutes. If that. Then, as if on cue, it all went to hell. For fifteen months I stayed on that emotional roller-coaster. Fifteen long, wasted months. I took a chance, let him in…then he wrecked my life. Or tried to, I should say. Either way, I don’t think I’d ever experienced that degree of hurt until then. Until Him. I still don’t know why him. It just was. The only way I can really describe it–being with him–it was like I couldn’t breathe or function without him…while at the same time, I felt like I was drowning. Suffocating. Turn into someone and something that I despised…had always sworn I’d never become. He broke my heart and shattered every ounce of trust I’d had for him…for anyone. Even when it was finally over, for so long afterwards, everyone treated me like I was this fragile, heartbroken girl who still carried a torch for him. They couldn’t have been more wrong. It took me a long time to realize it, but it had nothing to do with him. All those nights I cried myself to sleep, all those months I shut everyone out…it wasn’t because I was pining away for him. It was that I’d felt as if I’d suddenly taken off the blinders and could see everything in crystal clear, blinding bright lights…and that reality was what truly broke me. Not him. He might have started me onto the path, but the rest of the journey was all me. Just me. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. Every time I looked in the mirror, it was like looking at a stranger…and I hated her. Despised her. I felt like everything I’d ever been taught, all the values that I’d ever held–had been stripped away. Just gone. I felt used and degraded, covered in a filfth that not even the most abrasive scrubbing or soap could wash away. I hated him. But the truth is, I hated myself even more.

That’s all part of the reason why I left and moved here. To escape all of that. All the lies and rumors and those hurtful accusations. And the memories. Especially the memories. It was as though I had all these images playing over and over in my head and there was no pause button for me to press. So I did what I do best, I ran. And for the most part, it’s worked out fairly well for me, believe it or not. Until now. Until this guy, this sweet, awesome guy who wants far more than I think I’m capable of giving him right now. I just feel like it’s all happening so fast. Too fast. And I’m not sure I’m quite ready to take the next step. Honestly, sometimes I’m terrified that I never will be.

I don’t want to hurt him and for that, I feel like I don’t have a choice but to end it now and walk away. It doesn’t seem fair of me to let it continue when I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give him what he wants. He deserves the truth, but I haven’t–I can’t–tell him mine. I mean, how am I supposed to tell him about my screwed up past and the choices I made? What will he think? I mean, when it came down to it, nearly everyone chose HIS side and believed him…what’s to say that if I tell him everything now that he won’t do the same? I’m not sure I can–or even want–to risk that. I spent 5 years feeling ashamed, feeling guilty for things I didn’t do, of avoiding the glares and ignoring the whispers. And now that I’m finally free from it all,..it’s back again. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I have the strength to go through that again. I really don’t. I barely made it through the first time. I won’t survive a second round. That’s not me being melodramatic either. That’s just me telling the truth.

I don’t know what the future holds or what life has in store for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get my old self back. If my faith in love will ever be repaired…or if I’ll ever be able to trust a man again without seeing HIS face and feeling that overwhelming pain again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “fixed”…or 100 percent whole again. Who knows. Maybe this new relationship will work out. Maybe it’ll be okay. Maybe this sweet guy will be the one to heal all the hurt and glue all the pieces of my broken heart back together.  Maybe I’ll be his Cinderella after all. And maybe we’ll have the fairy-tale and a chance at our own Disney-version happily-ever-after.

Maybe I just need to make that leap of faith and set aside all this fear. Maybe I just need to forgive myself. I think that maybe it’s time. Right here. Right now. Because the truth of the matter is, right now is all we have that’s guaranteed. The rest–is a coin toss. But we’ll see what happens….


“Because Of You” by Katy McCallister

Before you it’s been awhile before I slipped up
Before you I never thought to give a f*&#
And before you I was satisfied on my own
Before you I never let myself go
Before this I was always on the wrong side
Before this I was always bad at
hanging onto pride
But before this I was professional
about how to hide
What was goin’ on on the inside

And before you I was so content
Yeah before you I was unaware of it
I was unaware, of my loneliness

Now because of you
I remember why I have no self respect
Because of you
I remember why I always felt hopeless
I remember why
My perception of love was demented
I remember why I’m such a mess
Why I’m such a mess
Because of you
I remember why I was satisfied with lust
Because of you
I remember why I will never truly trust
Before you there were more yous and I know now why I will never expect much
Thought I forgot, but thanks a lot
Cause now because of you
I remember why I don’t love
I remember why I don’t love

Before you I had control of this
Before you I never let my heart win
Before you I was on my way to freedom
Before you I never let myself give in
To the disappointment of unrequited love
To the mislead illusion of mutual trust
I was unaware, of how bad love was

When somebody walks away
And you feel replaced
Left with your own embrace
A part of you gives up hope
Once you let it go
You never wanna go, back again
I look at you and I see him
All over again

I thought I forgot, but thanks a lot
Cause now because of you
I remember why I don’t love
I remember why I don’t love



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