Leaving Again So Soon?

‘Fraid so. That’s right. It’s back to Tennessee soon. I was originally planning on staying in New York until the 10th, however, I was checking in with Alan (my friend-slash-director-extraordinaire) the other day and he asked if I’d go back sooner, as he needs me in Clarksville on the 7th for the film’s promotional shoot. I agreed, though I’m starting to get a little nervous about all this. I mean, the exposure is great, and this is definitely a direction I’m starting to find interest in possibly pursuing, career-wise with this photography endeavor of mine, but right now–I’ve never done anything like this–or even close to it. I mean, taking head-shots for people is one thing. For all my worrying prior, there’s really nothing to it. By that, I mean I have the experience taking portraits, so head-shots are essentially right up that alley, with some tweaks here and there.

But a promotional shoot for a film that’s going to be entered in Sundance? Yeah…kind of freaking out here. I appreciate Alan’s encouragement and belief in my photographic talent and skills, but I can’t help but feel a little freaked out. I mean, I don’t want to mess this up for him. Granted, he knows I haven’t done anything like this, but I don’t know if I’m as good or as capable as he seems to think I am. That’s just me being honest. And yes, I know that this is exactly the kind of experience I need if I’m going to pursue this avenue of career paths, but still…I’m nervous.

Doesn’t help that this is all happening at the same time that I’ve decided to get a place with my guy-bestie, Ryan, down there. I’m wondering if maybe I’m stretching myself a little too thin here–emotional-wise. I mean, this is a big thing. I feel like I’m taking a huge chance on my future here…and especially my near-future as Ryan is concerned. He says he’s all in and he’s been super/hyper over-the-top vocal about his excitement in all of this–but I can’t help but wonder if that will still be the case once we actually get down there. And not only that, but I’m worried that I’m taking a step back here in all the work I’ve done to get as far as I’ve come. Not that I don’t love him and support him and want this to work out, but I’m worried. I mean, I finally did this. I finally got out, moved away–broke free. Call it whatever you want. I did it.  On my own. And while, sure, it can get lonely sometimes being 900 miles away from everyone. Not to mention a little nerve-wracking, considering it’s all on me to make sure I get through the day. Me and no one else. But I’ve done it. For six months. And I’ve loved every minute of it–good and bad. And I feel like I’ve made this great little world for myself down in Nashville…and now it’s like I’m opening that up with Ryan coming into the midst of it…and I’m scared. I feel vulnerable. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I’m hoping it’s good, but in my experience…well, I just never have that good kind of luck. I just haven’t. So…who knows. There’s so much up in the air…but hopefully not for long.

Ryan aside, it’s gonna be hard. Leaving again. This time not knowing when I’ll get a chance to actually get back. It’s hard and it’s necessary…but it’s also sad. The boys know me again…and the girls are constantly in my face wanting me to spend as much time as I can with them. And I love it all. I love them. Despite the dysfunction and the hell that I’m constantly getting from some people in this family…I love those kids. They make the coming back worth it. And they give me reason and the strength to leave again. Everything I’m doing…making something of myself, finding my niche and success…it’s for them. Sure, some of it’s for me, but it’s mostly for them. I want to be someone they are proud of…someone they can finally look up. I want to feel worthy of their love and adoration. And I don’t sometimes, not yet, not completely. And I want that. For them. For me. I really and truly do. More than anything.



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