Oh, What A Beautiful Life.

Was stopped at a red light earlier, distracted by the pretty sight of someone launching fireworks over Murfreesboro, and then this great song came over the radio…instant lyric love.

 

 

It’s called “Beautiful Life”, and it’s performed by the musical/melody genius, Nick Fradiani.

 

 

**

These days
Well, they’re looking up
We got so much to say
We got someone to love
We got good friends
They’re so good to us
And haters can hate
And fakers can front

So we try to live
Like it’s all we’ve got
Cause for all we know

This could be the last night of our lives
Gonna chase down our every desire
We blaze the night
With all we’ve been waiting for
All this time
Reaches such great heights
Gives us just one perfect night
To say “oh, what a beautiful life”
“Oh, what a beautiful life”

Comes out of the dark
We got nothing to fear
We got nothing but heart
Can’t just wait here to see what it brings
We got too many hopes
We got too many dreams

So we try to live
Like it’s all we’ve got
Cause for all we know

This could be the last night of our lives
Gonna chase down our every desire
We blaze the night
With all we’ve been waiting for
All this time
Reaches such great heights
Gives us just one perfect night
To say “oh, what a beautiful life”
“Oh, what a beautiful life”

**

Such a great song. It really makes you take a step back and take a good, long look at your life, doesn’t it?

I think it’s safe to say that the past few weeks haven’t been the greatest for me. Or the easiest. It’s been a long, chaotic mess of a month and I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve stopped and just asked myself “what–what in the hell am I doing?”  I mean, seriously…what am I doing? What am I doing here–in Tennessee–hundreds of miles away from everything and everyone that I love and care about? Am I really doing this–this permanent thing…making a life for myself down here…a decision that will effectively and permanently change the entire dynamic of the relationships I have with my family and friends back home? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Or have I fooled myself into thinking that I’m doing this for reasons that aren’t truly what they seem? I know that a big part of what brought me here is that I was running away–trying to put some distance between my troubled past and all the mistakes I made. I thought that if I reinvented myself here–far enough away from it all–that I’d be okay. That I’d be happy and satisfied…and whole. But I’m not satisfied. And there’s this hollow, emptiness that I can’t seem to shake. I miss my family. I miss the little ones. I miss my friends. I miss so much. And there’s no real solution for it. No compromise or middle ground. My family’s never going to leave New York, no matter how badly I wish they would or how desperately I beg them to. They won’t. And I feel so detached from them…and like an outcast because I’ll never be able to make them understand how I could want to be here–without them. I feel so guilty for the choices I’ve made that have brought me here. Sometimes I just want so badly to have the chance to go back to those moments, to reverse those mistakes that set in motion the events that led me down this path that I’m on. It makes me sad…and angry. Angry at the individuals that pushed me to that breaking point that sent me running down here…the ones that were so determined to destroy my life and–in some ways–were successful in doing exactly that. I’m trying so hard to keep the faith here. To just trust my instincts and hold on to the belief that everything happens for a reason and in time, that reason will come to light. That in time, all of this will make sense. Because right now–it just doesn’t. I don’t understand any of it.  I don’t understand how I could be so naive and foolish when I damn well knew better. I don’t know how I could have strayed as far off course as I did…how I could let things go so far. I don’t understand how cruel and vindictive people can be. Or how I could be so fucking wrong about well…everything. I just don’t understand.

These doubts aside, I know I have so much to be grateful for. I really and truly do. I have a good life, for the most part. I do. I have family and so many great friends, both in New York and down here in Nashville. People that are truly amazing and inspiring…and just the best kinds of people to have in your life. I’m blessed to have met the people I have down here…beautiful, genuine, and just so unbelievably talented people. I’ve been given so many opportunities here. My friend’s film, for example. To be a part of something so incredible and worthy and relevant…a project with a message that will–at least, that’s the hope–touch upon and make an impact on so many lives…and to help tell a story that will speak to so many people on so many levels. I’m just so overwhelmingly grateful because I know that no matter what happens down the road–if I stay or if I go–I’ll have made and forged these friendships and relationships that will–there’s not a doubt in my mind–last and carry on. These memories and experiences are ones that I’ll cherish and carry with me for the rest of my life. I may not be sure about many things, but of that I’m certain.

I may not have it all figured out just yet, but I will. I believe that in time, I will. And maybe Nashville will turn out to the be the place where I’m supposed to be…where I’m meant to be. And maybe someday, everything will all make sense. The past, the present…I’ll figure it all out at some point. I think my biggest hindrance is that I’ve been focusing too much on the future…and not paying enough attention on the present, on what is happening and what matters NOW. Right here, right now, in this moment. After all, today is guaranteed, while tomorrow is not. I’m sick and tired of living in the past…and of running from it. I’m tired of feeling guilty and of jinxing my own happiness. I think we all take this life and so much of it for granted. We’re so busy running from point A to point B; starving and working ourselves to death to achieve an impossible ideal and level of success that simply does NOT exist. We fail to realize that this technological world we live in has become little more than a smokescreen…a distraction from what actually is. And from what actually matters. We’re so out of touch with one another and ourselves that it’s a wonder that we’re still even capable of having–let alone actually sustaining–relationships of any kind. But we do, and they make it all worth it.

It may not be easy. It maybe not be perfect. It may not make sense. But this life of mine…it’s beautiful, nonetheless.

xoMESSIE

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