The Worst Feeling In The World.


That about sums up how I feel right about now.

We saw the girls again tonight. For about an hour. And when it was time to go, to get them in the car to take them back to their mother…then the crying started again. And I couldn’t take. I just couldn’t. I know I’m an adult. And I know I’m supposed to be the one holding it together and staying strong for these girls–even if its just a front–but I couldn’t. I went with their father Wednesday to pick them up and then bring them back after visitation and it broke my heart, seeing them like that. They both sobbed the entire way. 30 minutes of two little girls crying and sobbing, begging you not to bring you back to that place, to the mother that you know for a fact doesn’t want them and is only doing what she’s doing to hurt you and the rest of the adults, begging to go HOME, wanting to know WHY they can’t go home, asking you why you don’t want them anymore…it’s literally heartbreaking.


I know you’re not supposed to wish bad of anyone, but I do. To her–their mother, my biological sister…I do. So badly. I do. I don’t understand. I don’t know how she can do this to them. Her own children. She’s their mother. To see the pain she’s causing them, the absolute heartbreak, and feel no remorse whatsoever–how does a mother do that to her own children? She doesn’t care. And whoever it is that’s watching them is still abusing Emma…she told us again today that the woman is still hurting her. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. We’ve done what we were told to do. We reported it to CPS, to the State Police. To the court. I even contacted the girls law guardian–who wasn’t too happy with me for contacting him–but you know what, I don’t care. All these agencies advertise that they are here to protect the children and NO ONE–absolutely NO ONE is protecting these girls. NO ONE!! And it’s wrong. It’s so fucking wrong! The system is so messed up. It’s no wonder there are so many stories about kids in the system that are abused and even killed because the system failed them. CPS claims to want to keep families together–bullshit. CPS is a joke. The officer I spoke with the other day even came out and said so–that’s right–an officer of the law came right out and said that Child Protective Services, an agency set up to protect children and look out for their welfare, is a joke. What does that tell you? It says a hell of a lot, don’t you think?!


Anyhow, after going through that on Wednesday, I told them I didn’t want to be the one to ride back with the girls today. I just didn’t want to see them go through that again. But Avie started crying and begged me to go and sit in the back with them so I couldn’t say no. So I spent thirty minutes with Emmie holding onto my arm sobbing (and me sobbing with her) that she wanted to go home and begging me not to make her go with her mother, promising her that we’d get her back–and me feeling like shit each time because I honestly don’t know if we’ll get them back and I hate promising her something that I can’t guarantee–and trying to explain to her that we’re fighting to get them back and that no matter what, we love them. And it was no better when their mother finally showed up to get them. She was pissed because I was in the car, as well as my aunt Dar, who was consoling a screaming Ava. Emma literally threw herself down on the ground in the parking lot, screaming that she didn’t want to go with her and Avie was sobbing as well and it was just horrible to watch. I cried the whole way home and when we got back, I wouldn’t even talk to the rest of my family. They aren’t too happy with me because I said that I thought it was wrong to do that to the girls. I want to see them just as much as they do, but not if that is what they have to go through each and every time. It’s not worth it. I love those girls. I’d give my life for them in a heartbeat. Something their mother surely would NOT do. And it kills me that they get that upset every time. I can’t watch them go through it 3 times a week for another month–and that’s just until they go back in front of the judge. That’s not even saying what will happen once they see the judge. There’s no guaranteeing anything will even happen then. “The mother has rights” thing is what’s at the heart of all this…even though the mother is nothing but an evil selfish BITCH that doesn’t give a rats ass about either one of those girls. Who knows if he’ll even entertain my grams’ petition for custody then. Who knows what will happen. It’s all up in the air. And the worst part in all of it is that the ones that suffer is the girls…and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. Not a goddamn thing.


I hate this. I really, really do.





2 thoughts on “The Worst Feeling In The World.

Add yours

    1. I’m so very sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your ex and your little guy. I wish you the best of luck in getting him back. As my family and I are slowly coming to realize, the system in this country is very, VERY lacking in caring at all what’s best for the children in these situations. It’s atrocious and frustrating and pathetic, even. My family is taking it to the top, as far as it has to go, state-level, media–whatever it takes…I urge you to do the same–if you haven’t already. Hopefully our posts can help one another, somehow. Best, Messie.

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