THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Left My Heart In Tennessee. September 6, 2015

Filed under: #NYtoTN,family,LIFE — MESSIE @ 1:26 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I feel like I’m going…albeit slowly…f***ing insane. No joke. I need to get the hell out of here…out of New York. I’ve been here for about 7 weeks now and I’m not kidding when I say that that’s just about 6 weeks and 6 days too many.

**

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I do. But there’s a reason why I moved 900 miles away–and it doesn’t have a thing to do with exes or running from the mistakes and sins of my past. It’s horrible, but one of the main reasons why I left was to get away from them…away from all the drama and the dysfunction and the fighting…hell, the utter insanity. It’s strange because when you grow up in that kind of environment, you get used to the loudness and the chaos. And that’s fine. I mean, it’s all you know. You don’t know any different. But when you choose to leave and you’re gone for awhile, you get used to a different kind of normal. So going back is like a shock to the system and you just want to shut it all out and make it all stop.

**

Tennessee, for me, is quiet and peaceful and above all–drama-free. There’s no constant fighting and/or bickering back and forth with one another, no cops being called for the littlest of the things. And it’s quiet–so quiet. Sure, sometimes I miss the constant chatter of all the kids, but for the most part, I tend to appreciate the serenity that comes with the silence these days. The best thing about living 900 miles away from family though is the independence and freedom to do and live as I choose and please, without all the watchful and prying eyes of my all-too-curious family members. For 27 years I lived under their watch and by their rules, always living my life as they saw fit, always trying to mold myself into this “person” that they wanted me to be, to reach those unrealistically high expectations that they set for me…always afraid of disappointing and letting them down. And it sucked. I was miserable. I felt trapped, smothered. Not me. You know? And it took me 27 years to get the nerve to take control of my life…to realize that I could dictate my own future and realize my own happiness…and so that’s what I’m doing…

**

I know a lot of people thought I was crazy for packing up my life and moving down to Nashville like I did–and that some STILL think I’m crazy for it–but honestly, it was the best decision I ever made and I don’t regret it, not for a single second. I love it. I love everything about it. I don’t know if it’s my forever home…it’s far too soon to say that. All I know is that right now, I feel like it’s where I need to be…where I’m supposed to be. Nashville. Tennessee. Who knew.

**

Hopefully after these appointments these next two weeks, Nashville and I will be reunited. Then it’s off to Atlanta with the crew for our film premiere. I can’t wait. Everything is really happening…and I feel like the ride is only just beginning…it’s a pretty crazy feeling…exhilarating…overwhelming…amazing…surreal.

**

xoMESSIE

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