Isn’t It Ironic.

Irony. Only five letters and yet one of the most powerful words in the human language; probably due to the fact that it plays such a large role in this thing we call LIFE. It’s with us everyday and everywhere, whether it be subtle or obvious. the number of ways in which it exists is simply immeasurable, but there is one way that we can all relate. Desire, in it’s most fundamental and basic form. As the saying goes, we want for what we do not have. It is essentially coded into our DNA, so technically we are not to blame, at least not voluntarily. With that comes another well-known phrase, in that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Nothing could be closer to the truth. Like I said, irony. We long for what we don’t have, so much so that we will typically do whatever it takes to satisfy our desires or needs. And as is usually the case, we realize, albeit too late, that the object or thing we have successfully attained, no longer lives up to the glory it it once had…

We, both literally and figuratively, spend our lives searching for something. Success, validation, acceptance, love–and above all happiness. Whether we are consciously aware or not, we ARE searching for these things. If we are lucky, we find it. But for the majority of us, we are not so lucky. Sure, we may find what we are looking for in the end, but not until we have already sacrificed and lost so much in the process. Ultimately, we become mere pawns in the hands of fate…

I’ve had alot on my mind these days, or rather I should say the past year. So much has happened, good and bad. mostly bad, to be quite frank. In alot of ways, this has been one of the worst years of my life. If I were to mention everything, I’d be here writing for weeks, so I think I’ll pass on that. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or day or event when things started to go bad and everything fell apart. As much as I hate to admit it, it was around the time when things got messy between myself and “mr-should’ve-known-better” and myself. To be fair, things weren’t exactly great on that front to begin with. Nothing was like it had been in the beginning, when things were exciting and perfect and I was actually happy. Looking back, I’ve realized that things weren’t as perfect as I had niavely convinced myself to be, and that it really didn’t even last as long as I thought. I feel like a complete fool for not realizing it sooner. I mean, it was so obvious. I SHOULD have seen it. I think I did know to some extent, but I just didn’t want to admit it. I remember how good it was in the beginning, which is probably why it hurts so much that it had to end the way it did. I honestly thought he was a good guy, which makes no sense because the whole premise of our situation was based on infidelity. It was wrong and I knew it. But there was something about it, about him, that drew me into that tangled web of shame and deceit that we had spun. It’s sounds like a cliché, but he was the dark, handsome, mysterious guy you dream of, only he was real. He was nice and funny and sweet for awhile. Somehow he made me feel alive again after so long. It was exhilerating and intoxicating. I’d get butterflies just being in the same room with him. And everythme he called me “sunshine”, I would just melt. I know it sounds pathetic, but it’s true. Despite that he was cheating and that it was undeniably wrong, I couldn’t walk away. I wasn’t a total fool though. I mean, I knew that he wasn’t being honest with me. It sucks because he didn’t exactly lie, he just avoided the issue most of the time. I never expected to fall for him, especially not as hard as I did, that’s for sure.Bbut I did and there’s no changing that. I knew it would never work, that it wouldn’t last, and that it was bound to end at some point. I have no idea how it lasted for 15 months, it’s mind-boggling. It’s also bittersweet in that even though it lasted so long, we were still very much complete strangers with one another.

I tried, I really did. Maybe if I hadn’t, it wouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, as it still does. It’s stupid, but I felt like I was really me, with him. For the first time, I took a risk and let myself be vulnerable with him. That was my first mistake. I doubt he knew it, but I would have given him everything, which I practically did. But all he did was shut me out and put up those damn walls of his. I used to get so mad when we were together and I’d try to ask him about himself and he would change the subject or or distract me, leaving me with so many unanswered questions over and over again. I stopped asking myself why me, a long time ago since I knew it was just a waste of time because I’m never going to get that answer. That’s life. It sucks. And the sad part is, all I ever wanted was for him to give me just a glimpse beneath that hard exterior of his. He never gave me that, or anything else.

15 months of memories, laughter, tears, and heartache— and then he left me standing there with nothing. I’ve never felt so empty and numb as I did after he left. Maybe everyone was right when they warned me to stay away, it doesn’t matter now…

But back to my earlier focus..so yeah, after that complicated finale, things just got worse. You’d think it would have to do with him, but that isn’t entirely true. To a degree yes, the fallout from that situation with him was devastating, but it wasn’t the center of my life. I’m not sure how to describe it, but the rest consists of me and my issues, not him. After him, I had to re-evaluate a lot of thing in my life, and the person I had become. In the process of doing that, I shut the rest of the world out. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. So much has changed and happened since then. That girl is gone and the girl I am now–well I guess I’m still working on figuring her out. Figuring ME out.

With any fallout, there are consequences, like it or not. I’m dealing with those, or trying to at least. For so many reasons, I actually feel grateful to him for what he did. If anything, I learned a few valuable life lessons. I’ve come a long way and I’ve done alot of growing up. He helped me to do that. I don’t regret him or those 15 months, though there are times when I would give anything to be able to hate him. It’s hard, but no one ever said that life is easy. It definitely is not easy. Oone thing I do regret, now especially, is that I pushed people away. My friends and everyone. It doesn’t make sense. My closest friends and I haven’t talked in nearly 4 months now, which sucks. After all the issues and fights over the years, we managed to keep the friendship intact, which is why it makes not talking to them now because of something this trivial–it’s unfathomable. I never thought I’d lose my friends over a guy, and now I think I have. I’m not blaming him specifically, but I can’t ignore what happened or how I’ve changed because of it all. I don’t know how to put things to rights, or if it’s even possible. It may already be too late. All I know is that I’m scared. I’m scared because I’m just not the same person they expect me to be anymore, I’m not. They have probably changed as well. So how do you repair something like this??

Well that’s some of my rambling.. Until next time…

xoxo
MESSIE

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Some Time For Reflection.

Hey there old friend aka blog… guess I should start off with an apology for being away for so long. it just doesn’t seem like months have passed, and yet they have. to be honest, i feel like it’s all just been a blur. so much has happened, and yet i find myself at a loss for what to say. it’s kind of upsetting, because the one thing i’ve actually relied on for so long are words. and now they just don’t seem to be enough. there have been so many times over the past months that i’ve sat down to write, only to find myself staring at this blank screen– almost like a metaphor for what my life has to become, to tell you the truth. i couldn’t understand it. i mean, i would sit there, totally oblivious of the time passing or anything else, really. i literally had months and pages of moments and experiences and emotions i could write about, but nonetheless, i’d leave the screen as blank as i had found it.

i feel different. not me. and i know that sounds crazy and irrational and god knows all the other psychological terms that could possibly fit–but it is what it is. to be completely honest, i’m not even sure who “me” really is anymore. i mean, i have all these images and memories, but they don’t feel like mine, you know? it’s like they belong to someone else. it’s actually pretty pathetic, i guess, if you think about it. no one really has a clue. it’s true. i’ve gotten so great at pretending to be okay when i’m not, that i’ve fooled everyone. myself, even. i smile and laugh, but it’s all a lie. i’m so used to being what everyone expects. i’ve always been like that. in school, it was always straight-a’s and doing the right thing. i know i sound so ungrateful but i never wanted any of it. i just…i just wanted to make everyone happy, i guess. it sounds childish and immature, but all i really wanted was to show everyone, just once, just how imperfect i truly was. or at least how imperfect i felt. i just wanted to be real. talk about irony.

i wish i could put in words how hard this is. hell, to just explain it a little better at least. but i can’t. it’s literally impossible, because i’m still trying to figure it out myself. it’s not as easy as people may think, figuring out at what point in your life when everything just started to go to hell and back. it’s not. i’m not being difficult, i just really don’t know. not really. it’s a culmination of things, i guess. life. in black and white. it’s not always pretty. i mean, there can’t be happiness without sorrow, right? there aren’t lessons learned unless mistakes are made first. i guess that’s my problem, kind of. i’m trying to put a label on this– to pinpoint this one thing that started it all, or something i can blame for everything. it just can’t happen.

i haven’t just changed these past months. it’s so much more than that. in trying just to somehow come out of this in one piece, i’ve lost and broken so much. i’ve pushed away a lot of people, for reasons that i’m not sure i even am aware of yet. or maybe i just don’t want there to be a reason. i’m not sure which. people who didn’t deserve to be shut out the way i shut them out. friends. good people who cared about me and maybe still do. i don’t know why, it just sort of happened. so much was going on, so much had happened and is still happening and i just–it was easier to deal with it on my own, than lean on anyone else. i know that sounds crazy, but after everything that i’ve been through this past year– i just got so used to keeping everyone at arms-length. some of the people i’ve shut out–well good riddance, is all i can say. but there are those that i desperately miss. i don’t think they realize how badly i wish i could take it all back, just to have the right to pick up the phone and call them, to tell them how sorry i am; just to have a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to—the way it used to be. but that’s gone. it’s been too long, too late. i see these friends i grew up with, and it’s like a lifetime has passed. they’ve changed. and godknows so have i.

i never thought i’d be here, like this. not at twenty-three, at least. i shouldn’t have this pain, these regrets…but i do. i’ve given up and sacrificed far more than i should have even had to, that anyone should have to. and for what? this happy, pretty future that to be honest, i’m not even sure exists anymore, except in some make-believe fantasy world.

so yeah…sorry for the depressing post. i think it was definitely long overdue…

xoxo
MESSIE

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