THE TRUTH IS MESSIE…

My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Did I Mention That I Hate Needles? February 23, 2017

Filed under: art,graphic design,health — MESSIE @ 1:30 am
Tags: , ,

Had my 2nd and 3rd nerve blocks done the other day. Not a pleasant experience, I will say. Hell, I think it hurt worse than it did with my first one, and he actually gave the lidocaine time to do its job this time, instead of doing them one right after another. To hell with that lidocaine crap  It didn’t help much. I still felt those damn needles going in, each time–spot 1 being above my eye, and spot 2 being my cheek. I swear he must have done each one, in and out, like 3 or 4 times. And then, as if that’s not bad enough, he went in with this special radio-frequency needle to get an ultrasound picture of the nerves the blocks were targeting. Why he needed a needle to do that, is anyone’s guess. I’m pretty sure these doctors are sadists. No joke.


My face get the other mommy

Messin’ up my face.. 😦 sad face + miserable face


As grateful as I’d be if these help–even a little–I’m not holding my breath. He’d already told me that, given the type of headaches I have, that the blocks probably wouldn’t do much, if anything, to help. But they’d already been approved by my insurance, so he said it wouldn’t hurt to just try it and hope for a damn miracle. If there are any.


Next up is Botox. Or should I say tentatively next. I still haven’t decided on those just yet. There are too many horror stories with that Botox crap…and I’d rather not be one of them.

That just leaves the implant. It’s a little more invasive that I’d hoped it would be, but it’s gotten really great, successful results. I’ve been thinking it over and I think I’ve come to a decision. I’m going to talk to my doctor again and see if there really aren’t any more options we could try. If not, then I guess I have to just suck it up and go through with it. If it does work–even just by a little–then it’s worth it. To be able to stop the really bad headaches with the push of a button is pretty amazing.

And tempting. I swear, I feel like I’m in that teacup ride that it just won’t stop spinning.


I just want to know “why me”?

And how the hell do I get off this ride.

xoMESSIE**

 

 

I’m Still Here. July 27, 2015

It’s been awhile, so I figured I’d post a little update.  It’s been a crazy, hectic past couple of weeks. I’m back in New York. Yep, drove up last week to try and get these headaches taken care of. I can’t help but notice the blatant irony in that I had to drive 900 something miles to see doctors and specialists about an injury sustained in a CAR ACCIDENT. Talk about illogical. It makes no sense to me. I mean, the accident happened in Tennessee…and the insurance 100 perfect willing to pay all the medical bills, yet the specialists in Tennessee wouldn’t see me. I don’t get it. It’s a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, if you ask me. And it’s not like I didn’t try. Hell, I must have called a dozen different places–that’s not including the places and specialists each ER referred me to–and nothing. I got absolutely nowhere. I did manage to get into this one family clinic back in Nashville, but the visit wasn’t very productive. The doctor basically just gave me a quick exam, asked me a bunch of questions, and sent me on my way with a couple of new headache prescriptions and the same old “referral to a neurologist” advice.

Now that I’m back up in New York, I had an appointment the other day with my primary care doctor so that she could refer me to a neurologist…which didn’t exactly go to well. And by that I mean I didn’t at all like what she had to say. For starters, she informed me that the reason I was having all these issues with these meds not working for the headaches is because the meds the other doctors down in Tennessee prescribed me were all for migraines…and that it’s not migraines that I’m having…they’re concussion headaches. Apparently there’s a difference. Yeah. So obviously, after she told me that, I asked her why they kept giving me meds for migraines then and she literally just shrugged and said that it’s probably because I was in pain and they were trying to help–and that they probably didn’t want to tell me that there was nothing they could do for me. Wonderful right? So they knew there was nothing they could do…yet they gave me meds after meds that didn’t help and in some cases actually made the headaches worse. Yeah…’cause that’s not messed up or anything. Ridiculous.

So anyhow, I asked her what I was supposed to do if there was apparently nothing that could be done for the headaches medication-wise. Brain rest, was her answer. Meaning no bright lights or being out in the sun for any length of time, no flashing lights, no loud noises, no focusing or concentrating on the computer screen…etc. You get the point. So basically I’m supposed to shut myself in a dark room and do nothing but sleep. She prescribed a few meds, one of which is supposed to at least help me sleep…and it does for a bit, but it does nothing for the headaches. And in the morning I just feel so groggy–i hate it. She also wants me to be seen at the Concussion Clinic in Syracuse and an ENT if the nosebleeds don’t let up. Maybe I’ll get some answers from one of those. All things considered, I highly doubt that’ll happen. But who knows?

Yeah…like that’s going to happen. I’m a photographer, I have editing to do with the computer. And right now, things are absolutely crazy with the film blowing up like it is. I’m in charge of the blog and the production company website in addition to having just designed the theatrical/promotional posters for the film because the graphic designer Alan hired submitted crap designs. I didn’t really plan on doing the posters, but I got tired of writing code for the website and was fooling around a bit in Photoshop. I figured what the hell and sent him the poster…and he loved it. Then he got back to me and asked me to do another one…so I did. So yeah, I’ve been busy.

*3BB's Theatrical Poster*

*3BB’s Theatrical Poster*

And it’s bound to get busier. But in an exciting, awesome, great sort of way! When I said the film was blowing up…I wasn’t kidding. It’s insane how much attention it’s gotten. And it’s official, the film’s World Premiere will be in Atlanta in October. Then there’s a few other festivals…Charleston, Chicago, and some festival in Minnesota I believe. But that’s not even the most exciting part. It gets even better. We got an invitation from Berlin’s (that’s Germany, folks!) International Film Festival next year to attend. With that invitation, we’re automatically entered into Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes (France) –the 4 biggest International film festivals. How incredible is that? And just last week when I stopped by Alan’s to grab something I’d left at his house before I left for NY, he shared the news that he’d just gotten another festival invitation–to ROME, ITALY!!! I heard that and I immediately went, “Yep, I’m definitely getting a passport now…” lol. It’s mind-blowing how much attention and acclaim this film has gotten…and a little overwhelming, the fact that I actually had a part in this film, this great project. I’m so grateful and unbelievably proud of everyone involved. This is truly an opportunity of a lifetime and I’m taking it…hell, I’m grabbing it with both hands!

Now if I could just get rid of these headaches, it’d be absolute BLISS!

xoMESSIE

 

End Scene… A POEM February 6, 2014

Filed under: graphic design,POETRY — MESSIE @ 11:13 pm

End Scene… a poem

She remembers those green eyes.
Such a dark and deep and subtle hue.
They sparkled in the night.
They burned and shined so bright in the quiet, dim moonlight.
As he took her soul without a fight.
Clever thief who liked to hide in the shadows of the night.
So afraid to step into the light.

She still has her life.
For what it’s worth, at least that’s something.
She still has her dreams.
This vision of a girl that she wants to be.
More than anything.

It may be all that she has.
There might not be much more.
After everything he stole.
He took her heart.
He left her bare.
She was vulnerable.
She was scared.
He was weak.
And too caught up in himself to even care.
That tough exterior he likes to think he wears so well.
It’s all a lie, a pretty ruse.
There no man under there.

She fell asleep last night with tears in her eyes.
It may take her some time to grasp the meaning of goodbye.
She won’t forget him, but she’ll try.

-Messie-

ghost of your lies

 

 
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