My e-journal, all the nitty-gritty, overly-emotional, sappy stuff…

Tattoos & Love Gone Wrong… March 31, 2010

MESSIE here again. I know this is two posts in one day, but I wrote this one last night and just decided to post it.

As mentioned in my first post, I will sometimes post lyrics and/or videos from my favorite songs and then share my thoughts on them. I love music. There’s not a specific genre I prefer or anything. I listen to pretty much all types, except for rap and heavy metal. My fave would have to be country, me being a small-town girl and all. Music for me is like writing. Songs are just one way of telling a story or expressing your thoughts. Have you ever just heard a song and said to yourself “wow, this could be the story of my life”? It happens to me all the time… So here’s the first song of the dozens I love. It’s not that old, a few years maybe. It’s called “Tattoo” and the artist is Jordin Sparks

VERSE: No matter what you say about love / I keep coming back for more / Keep my hand in the fire / sooner or later, I get what I’m asking for / No matter what you say about life / I learn every time I bleed / The truth is a stranger / my soul is in danger / I gotta let my spirit be free to admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind / Sorry, but I have to move on / and leave you behind…

CHORUS: I can’t waste time so give it a moment / I realize that nothing’s broken / No need to worry about everything I’ve done / Live every second like it was my last one / Don’t look back / got a new direction / I loved you once then needed protection / You’re still a part of everything I do / You’re on my heart just like a tattoo / Just like a tattoo / I’ll always have you…

VERSE: Sick of playing all of these games / It’s not about taking sides / When I looked in the mirror / didn’t deliver / It hurt enough to think that I could stop / admit that I’m wrong / and then change my mind / I’m sorry but I’ve gotta be strong / and leave you behind…

VERSE: If I live every moment / won’t change any moment / There’s still a part of you in me / I will never regret you / still the memory of you / marks everything I do…

BRIDGE: Just like a tattoo/I’ll always have you.

Now for MY thoughts:

I love this song. It’s definitely in my top favorites. The song reminds me of so much. To me, the song is about moving on and letting go. The beginning lyrics are great. It’s about love and risk, how even when you know you’re going to get hurt, you do it anyway. You ignore the risk and take the plunge head-first, again and again. It’s about letting go, but still holding on to the memories. It’s perfect. It’s so me…

When it comes to relationships I usually dive in without checking the depth first. I have trust issues. Either I don’t trust at all, or I trust too much. There really is no middle ground. It’s all or nothing. I wasn’t into the whole dating thing in high school like a lot of people were. I never really saw the point. I never felt like I was missing out, rather I felt like I was one of the smart ones for NOT dating. To be honest, dating in highschool was more like a source of amusement for me than anything else. I always thought it comical when one of my friends would start “dating”. The relationship would usually last a whole two seconds. It typically took less than a week before they announced their “undying” love for one another. I found that laughable. It was such a joke. I’d say it was lust maybe, but it definitely wasn’t love. You don’t fall in love in a week when you’re 15 years old. Sorry, but you just don’t. It was even more amusing when I’d hear them say that they were going to be together forever. That’s nice. Sure it happens, but realistically speaking, most people don’t marry their highschool sweetheart and live happily ever after. Seriously people! I always wanted to tell them to get real and ask them if they really want to be one of those people 20 years down the road, who look at their yearbook and feel like an idiot when reading me+(insert name) together 4ever in their senior will. At least I had the brains to not fall into THAT trap!

Statistically speaking, I’m probably weird for the fact that I didn’t date til college. Then again, I probably should have dated a little. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so naive. My first relationship was with a boy I met at school. He was a couple of years older and your typical private school rich boy. Oh, he was nice at first. Looking back, I don’t know how I could have missed the warning signs. They were so obvious. It wasn’t long until I saw him for the abusive jerk that he was. It sucks. I mean you tell yourself over and over when you’re growing up that you won’t ever be one of those women who gets caught in a bad relationship, or that stays. But you never really know what you would do until you are in that situation. It was hell. It was like walking on eggshells all the time and having to be careful with what I said and did ALL THE TIME. I’m so ashamed of myself because I stayed for so long. I learned quickly and the hard way that fighting back only made it worse. I took his abuse for months. I wanted out but it was so hard. After every fight he’d tell me he was sorry and promise that it would never happen again. And then it would. I wanted so badly to believe him when he told me he would change. I never believed him, not really, but still I stayed. The worst part is that no one knew, not my friends or my family. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, mainly because for some reason I felt like maybe I’d done something to deserve. I hadn’t, but that’s what I thought at the time. It took more than a year and me leaving campus, but I finally got out. It wasn’t easy getting past something like that. I don’t think you ever completely forget. It changes you. Afterwards, I pretty much stayed clear away from relationships. I wasn’t a saint, but nothing was never serious. I’ve had relationships since, none coming close to being worth mentioning. My most recent one ended months ago. Honestly, I don’t think it can even be considered a relationship. It was more of a casual arrangement. To save time, I’ll give the short version. If I were to give the long version, I would be at this for days, literally. Besides, I’ll probably bring up the topic in future posts.

So here goes. He was a bartender part-time at a local bar my friends and I would usually frequent. He was a lot older than myself. It was a long time before I even noticed him, to be honest. Age was a factor somewhat, but it was mainly due to the fact that I was actually coming out of a relationship. Anyways, one night I got really drunk and one thing led to another. I honestly never expected it to go past that one night. Somehow it did. Looking back, I don’t know how it happened. It just did. From the very beginning he was secretive. That should have been a sign telling me to run away and not look back. But the stupid, naive girl that I was, I stayed. It turned out that my instincts were dead-on. He had a family. A girlfriend he’d been with for 16 years and a baby girl. By the time I learned the truth, it was too late. I had already fallen for him, fallen hard. I know it was wrong and I hate myself for what I did, but I allowed it to continue. In my defense, I loved him. I really did. It sounds absurd, but he was my first love. I wondered then and I ask myself still, why him? Why did I have to fall for a guy like him? He lied to me and he used me. He knew I cared and he used that to his advantage. The worst part is that I let him do it. I knew that every time he left me, he was going home to her. I never met her but I hated her. I hated her because she had his heart and years of history. She knew who he was and I couldn’t even get him to tell me his middle name. I threw away my morals for him and for what? For a quick hookup on some back road? It hurt so much to keep it going, but I couldn’t walk away no matter how bad I wanted to. All I ever was to him was his “dirty little secret”. I’ve never cried so much as I did with him. That’s not to say that it was all his fault. I accept my share of the blame. He might not have made direct promises, but he did mislead me. I have to give him credit, it’s only fair. He was good. He knew just what to say to keep me around, to keep me hanging on his thread…

It lasted 15 months. I did what should have been done a long time before. I let the truth to be known. My only satisfaction was that I surprised him. I don’t think he ever expected me to have the nerve to actually do it. He underestimated me. Eventually you just get to a point where you’ve been hurt so much, that you need to do something, anything, to get back some of the control you’ve lost. Needless to say, we definitely did not end on good terms. It was ugly. Words, insults, and accusations were thrown around. Things were said and done that can never be forgiven or taken back. The only good thing that came from it all was that I was finally able to see him for who he really was. Doing what I did was hard and it hurt like hell, but it was inevitable. It was better for everyone this way. He hates me and for that I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do about that. He broke my heart and I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that. They say that time will heal the pain, but it doesn’t.

He will never know how I cried myself to sleep for weeks after, or how long it took for me to even think about him without crying. It has been nearly 8 months now and I can honestly say that I am okay. The pain I feel is bittersweet but I would rather have that than feel nothing at all. I don’t even hate him, to the dismay of others. I am sure I could easily find a reason to if I wanted to, but I don’t. We were both wrong to do what we did. It was selfish. But I don’t regret it or him. In the end, he showed me how it feels to love. He was my first love and the first to break my heart, but he won’t be the last. I’ve let him go. I loved him. I still do. I probably always will. Now I know what people mean when they say the first love is the best and the worst.

So yes, I’m a little jaded you could say. I’ve changed a lot. I’m happy though, for the most part. I am no longer quite so naive. But that’s ok. So like the song says, he will always be a part of me. I’m okay with that. Truly. For now, anyhow…



Sweet Little Girls… March 30, 2010

Filed under: CANCER & LIFE'S HARDSHIPS,Little Girls,MARCH 2010 — MESSIE @ 5:49 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Messie here. Just to give an update, Lena’s counts were good so the doctors have given the go ahead for her to start round 2 of Chemo. It sounds scary, but it’s good news. It’s hard to understand but the Chemo is supposed to help. That’s all that matters. Things are going really well with all the benefits that have been planned in Lena’s behalf. It’s uplifting to see how something as tragic as this can create so much hope. Everyone is getting involved. Total strangers who hear Lena’s story who are willing to do whatever they can to help out. That’s one of the great things about living in such a small area. Most of the time it can be pretty frustrating, especially when everyone knows everyone and there’s no such thing as privacy. But when times get hard, like this, people really pull together. It’s almost like having a really big extended family. It’s incredible. There’s going to be a huge benefit held next month with 100 percent of the proceeds going to Lena and her family to offset her medical costs. A local venue is having a concert to raise funds for cancer and for Lena. There’s a ‘locks for Lena’ benefit, as well as additional benefits that are being held. Everything helps…

I just hate that something like this has to happen. It’s just not fair. Why does life have to be so cruel? Why do bad things happen to good people? I know that without sorrow there would be no joy, but I hate it. I guess it’s so hard because she is so little. I love kids. I always have. Even when I was little, I would always be asking “can I hold the baby?” With a family as large as mine, there’s always been at least one baby around all the time. I adore them. Babies are tiny and precious and so innocent. They haven’t yet learned just how cruel the world can be…

When I was 16, my mother and grandmother were granted custody of my niece Angelina. She was just six months old at the time, so still a baby. While all my friends were out doing things that teenagers typically do, I was home helping with this beautiful little angel. I was there for her first steps and her first words. I stood there sobbing like a baby on her first day of school. She turns 7 in a few weeks. I can’t believe it’s been this long. It feels like just yesterday when she was up all night crying and we all took turns trying to quiet her down. Now she’s this precocious little girl with an attitude and mind of her own. She is so bright. Living with all adults, she is very mature for her age. There have been times when I’d be crying in my room after a fight or something with a guy. She would crawl into the bed with me and ask me why I was crying. After I told her she would smile and say “Don’t cry, he doesn’t deserve you and you have me and I love you, so you don’t need him.” Only six years old and she might as well be an expert on love. It’s crazy but she’s usually right. Heck, sometimes I think she’s smarter than me. I have another beautiful niece. She’s four and has epilepsy as well as other medical problems. They are both amazing little girls and I love them more than anything.

That’s why all of this with Lena is so hard. It makes you realize that it can happen to anyone, whether it be a stranger’s child or a child you know. It could even happen to my nieces. I can’t begin to imagine what I would do if anything like this ever happened to either one of them, I just can’t. I’d give my life for them in a heartbeat. They’re the lights of my life…in more ways than one…



I Don’t Understand… March 29, 2010

So I’m sitting here trying not to cry, mostly because I’m scared that once I start, I might never stop. I’m sad because at this moment there is this beautiful little girl who is battling stage 4 neuroblastoma. Cancer. Her name is Lena and she is only 4 years old. She is my uncle’s wife’s niece. My uncle married Crissy a few years back. She’s more like a sister to me than an aunt, probably due to the fact that she’s not much older than me. She’s great. She’s easy to open up to…and we have had our share of heart wrenching conversations. I can tell her anything and not worry about it getting back to anyone else in the family. It helps that we’re close in age because a lot of the things I’m going through are things she has gone through herself at some point or another. Whether it be guy issues or a fight with a friend or just little things I need to talk about that I’m not comfortable telling anyone else in the family I can tell her. I can’t even count all the times I’ve poured my heart out to her and vice versa. I can stand there and cry or scream and she will just stand there and listen, hug me when it’s over, and say “do you feel better now?” She doesn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. Instead she will smile and say “you know what, he’s not even worth it” or something inappropriately funny like “let’s go call up a hitman.” That’s Crissy. I used to stay at their house constantly. At one point they even offered to let me move in, even if it was just because i needed to get away for a while. We don’t hang out like we used to because our lives are so hectic, but I do miss it sometimes.

Anyways, one of her sisters, Brandi, has these five (yes I said five) kids despite having only turned 30 this month. There’s the first two that are a little older, then twin girls (referred to as the twinnies as it’s hard to tell them apart at times). And then there is Lena who is 4 years old…at first I couldn’t believe it, seeing this woman who’s not much older than myself who has 5 kids. Its mind-boggling. They truly are great kids, sweet and polite, and utterly adorable. We may not be blood related, but they’re still like family. Which is why I couldn’t believe it when my grandmother called me almost a month ago with the news that Lena had been diagnosed.

Blood or not, it was devastating. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Neuroblastoma, a rare type of cancer that generally only affects children. Stage 4 is bad. Basically, it’s the most advanced stage. She has several tumors and the cancer has spread throughout her little body. It makes me so angry and I cannot understand how the doctors didn’t catch it a long time ago. I figured that it was because she never showed any symptoms. The doctors don’t understand either. Considering how advanced the cancer is, she should have been really sick. But she wasn’t. No one even suspected anything if not for that she had tripped and had a bump on her head from when fell a few weeks before. Her pediatrician told her parents not to worry, that it would go away in a couple of weeks. If Brandi hadn’t trusted her instincts and demanded further testing, then who knows when they would have discovered the cancer, if at all. The immediate course of action was to begin an aggressive treatment of chemo and radiation. She just finished her first round of chemo, the first of several she will need to have. When she’s done with the chemo she’ll start the radiation. My heart breaks for the nightmare the family is now living through, especially Lena. She’s only 4 years old. Just a baby. Cancer is hell for a grown adult, let alone a child. How do you tell a 4-year-old that she has cancer when she’s too young to know what cancer even is? And how do you give her answers when she asks why she has to live in a hospital and why she can’t go home, sleep in her own bed, or play with her brother and sisters? Or why she has to take this vile medicine that makes her sick and makes her hair fall out? What do you say to her when she eventually asks the crucial question of why this is happening to HER? How can you answer her questions when you don’t have the answer yourself? It’s just not fair. She’s done nothing to deserve this. Neither has any other child who is fighting the same battle. I can’t even begin to imagine the pure hell that Brandi and Lena’s father are going through right now, seeing their little girl suffering and in pain, wanting so badly to make it all go away and yet they can’t. It’s not fair to Lena or everyone else.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I must admit, I’m now having doubts. There’s just no good reason for why this is happening. And there is sure as hell isn’t a lesson to be learned from this. It’s wrong. Because of this a lot of people have turned to religion, praying to God to make this go away and let Lena be ok. I’m not religious…or a hard-core atheist. I have a lot of unanswered questions and plenty of doubts.

I haven’t always thought this way about religion though. My grandmother took us to church every Sunday from the time when I was just a baby up until I was about 12 or so. The turning point in religion for me was when my grandfather passed away. He also had cancer. After he was diagnosed he began going to church with us. He believed his faith would cure him. It didn’t. He suffered. I may have been young, but I remember that much. He tried everything, including aggressive chemo, and yet God still let him die. He was a good man. Like Lena, he didn’t deserve it. After he died, I was so angry with God. My grandmother said it was wrong to blame God, that it was HIS will and while we may never understand why, HE always has a reason. It’s not that I don’t believe in God or a higher power per se. I just refuse to believe that he is a loving God. I don’t see how a loving god could let my grandfather die, or put kids like Lena through this. I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but that is not an act of love. I stopped believing in the “power of prayer” after that. But since I heard about Lena, I pray every night. I don’t know if God will hear me or answer them, or if he even exists, but right now I will do anything and everything if that’s what it takes for Lena to beat this. She is truly an angel. I don’t understand how someone so young can possess such great strength. Even the world’s strongest man would pale in comparison to her. I know that she’s going to beat this. She has everyone fighting along with her. Her family, her doctors, the community, and even complete strangers in other states. She gives US hope, which is utterly amazing. So here’s to Lena, good luck little angel…



Welcome To My World: BLOG INTRO March 27, 2010

This is my first post and I kept thinking of what I was going to write, but that never really works out, planning ahead that is, so I’m just going to go with it. I don’t have much time, so I’ll make it short and sweet. I’m no newbie to blogging, but honestly, I’ve been writing more in my journal at home these days than on my e-blogs. This is by no means saying that I’m going to get rid of my hard-copy journals–not a chance. But I would like to give my journal (and my wrist) a little break. So bear with me on this. I’d love to promise that I’ll write everyday, but as most people who know me can vouch for, I totally suck with plans.

Anyways, I figured this could be a good time to clear my head, write down all my thoughts. I have a thing with music, so if I occasionally throw in some song lyrics and my thoughts–don’t be surprised. And as for my thoughts–I won’t lie. I’m the type of person who says how I feel, good or bad. Most of the time I speak before I think, which isn’t always exactly a good thing, but that’s just me. I’m honest. I’m blunt. I usually have no tact whatsoever. I’m just warning you. If you read my blog, you better be prepared for some real, raw stuff.

A little background on me: I’m 22, born and raised in a small town in upstate New York. I’m currently on a leave of absence from Colgate University. (I really need to get my behind in gear and get back to school lol). I took a little break because I needed to figure a few things out for myself. Mainly, what I wanted out of life, instead of what everyone else wanted for me. Ironically, before I left Colgate, I was majoring in Geology. Yes, that means rocks and dirt. Don’t get me wrong, I still love science and wouldn’t mind the occasional digging for fossils or take a 4 mile hike across solidified lava. (P.S. I went on a class trip my senior year to the Big Island of Hawaii. Let’s just say that if I had the chance, I’d have stayed there forever.) But my real love is writing. So I changed my major to Journalism. I want to write. I have all these stories and books in my head, if only I could find the time to actually sit down and put them all on paper. Everyone asks what I want to do with the writing–honestly, I don’t want to pick just one thing. I want to write a few books, I know that much. Maybe even do some reporting overseas in third-world-countries, that kind of thing. Or having my own column in some newspaper. I guess I want a little bit of everything. Another thing about me, I can never quite make up my mind. I hate making decisions. I guess we’ll just have to see where life takes me, whether it’s reporting from the front line halfway around the world, or sharing my thoughts with the world–who knows. Life is all about the ride.

Okay, so that’s pretty much me. In a nutshell anyway. I could write pages and pages, but as I said before, I’m kind of short on time. Until next time.



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