The Lovers’ Noose… a poem

You took my hand, promised to never ever let it go.

Saying “Baby, let’s just take this nice and slow.”

Then you fastened the rope, hung the noose;

held me close.

With a twist and a tug; tied a knot—then you pulled.

Yeah, you pulled so tight ‘til I gave in.

‘Til I was yours.

Heart, body, and soul.

A clever rouse, I should have known.

I was right there. You were so close.

Now we’re enemies and adversaries; each other’s greatest foe.

Oh, how did I not see it, how could I not know?

With your sweet kisses and pretty words,

Reeling me in just to cast me right back.

Over and over again.

Then out of nowhere, not a word, you just turned.

But you never returned.

You dug the hurt even deeper, made it worse.

You preyed on all my deepest fears.

I swear I must have cried an ocean’s worth of tears.

For you.

And I still remember those moonlit nights.

I replay the images over in my mind.

Not often, but sometimes.

Tangled together, your body and mine.

Feelings and emotions, always felt but never spoken.

Alone in the dark, with no one to witness or see.

No one to hear or ask me why.

As I break the silence, close my eyes and cry.

I travel back in time.

I know the fury will come soon enough.

It always does.

Do you remember the broken glass?

The accusations you threw that I threw right back?

I do.

I remember all the lies,

The ones I couldn’t forget if I tried.

(And I really did try).

How you claimed your innocence in the public’s eye.

How you played that victim card of yours to the nines.

When you said the blame was all mine.

But you know, that’s just fine.

It’s your conscience on the line, not mine.

How it’s come to this, how it went that far, I’ll never know.

We said no strings, no hearts.

No falling in love.

But then I fell.

I fell so hard.

And it was good, ‘til it just felt so wrong.

‘Til all that mattered; who I’d be and who I was, was gone.

‘Til there was nothing about you left for me to love.

Finding comfort in the fact that it was over with and done.

That the storm and the worst had passed.

Even hurt like that…it doesn’t last.

‘Cause someday.

When you’re ready, when the time is right.

You’ll forgive, you’ll forget.

You’ll learn to trust again.

To live in the now, not then.

You’ll find someone new to love.

And you’ll box up the past.

Push it to some dark, deep place in the back of your mind.

To be forgotten for the rest of time.

Have no doubt, you’ll find your way.

You’ll find your purpose, your place.

Where you stand in the middle of it all.

I promise you will figure it all out, somebody, somehow.

You WILL find yourself.

Your heart will heal, your soul will mend,

The world will right itself again.

And as daunting as it will seem

(and it will for quite some time)

Just know.

You’ll get through the hell.

You’ll move on.

It may feel like you can’t, that you won’t.

Just breathe, just believe.

Just hold on, just be strong.

Be patient.

It just takes time.

Trust me.

You’ll survive.

-JLR-

9/12/2016

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Somehow, Someday… a poem

Somehow, Someday… a poem


Raindrops falling on the windowpane.

Steady; like nature’s own heartbeat.

So soothing is the sound in the light of day.

And I tell myself that it will be okay.

That I’ll forget you and the hurt will fade,

Somehow. Someday.

But that day is NOT today.

Today I’ll just let the tears fall where they may.

Watch them shatter as they hit the ground.

Take a seat and watch my world spin out and ‘round.

Perched so high in the sky, I’ll climb until I’m numb.

To where the air is thick and I’m delirious,

enough so to think I’ve actually won.

Until the dark seeps through and it takes away the sun.

One of the hardest lessons in life you’ll ever have to learn:

You’ll never know real pain until you’ve truly loved someone.

-JLR 6.5.2016-

 

 

Breaking My Silence … a poem

Breaking My Silence … a poem


Change the story, go back in time.

Wonder where I’d be today,

Had I not fallen for your smooth and practiced lines,

Had I not believed your well-constructed lies.

If I’d just said no that first time.

One decision.

The night of the 7th day of the month of May.

Just the first of many in your twisted little game

to break my fragile, naïve heart.

Your manipulative scheme to tear apart my life.

Damn you for even thinking that you had the right.

You’re the devil in the flesh; you’ve a heart as cold as ice.

You took all that was good, you sucked out all the life.

You blanketed me in darkness, took away the light.

Like a thief, you stole my will to fight.

So convincing I’ve become, so persuasive I can be;

You might think so, but not everything is what it seems.

It’s not okay.

I’m not alright.

I can’t right the wrongs,

Or undo what’s been done.

I can’t go back and change the past.

Or hold much longer onto these old, bittersweet memories. 

They’re fading fast.

They’re my only consolation.

My last saving grace.

So before I’m persuaded to stay, I slip away.

I escape to the place I call home,

Nine hundred miles away.

Letting go of all the hurt and the pain,

No longer afraid or ashamed.

There’s nothing left for me here to do or say.

I’m starting over with a nice clean slate.

But I still think of you sometimes;

And all those months you left me there to wait.

All those nights I begged you to stay.

But you just walked away.

All the tears that were cried, never yours and always mine.

The love I wasted; all that time.

And you’ve never apologized,

You’ve never even told me why.

You just accused and insulted and denied,

Used me ‘til you didn’t need me anymore,

And then tossed me aside.

Without so much as a goodbye.

Now it’s been so long,

Don’t you think that it’s time?

That you told me how–

That you told me why?

I gave you all that you asked,

Yet, you gave me nothing in return.

I gave you all of me, everything that I was.

Everything that I am.

From the very beginning,

all the way to the very end.

Now my world spins just a little bit quicker.

And it’s been so long that I can’t recall when life was simpler.

But truth be told,

I wouldn’t have it any other way;

I wouldn’t want it any different.

That other life, that other me.

I don’t miss her, I don’t miss it.

-JLR 6.4.2016-

The Inevitable…a poem.

The Inevitable … A Poem 


Rainy nights  senseless fights.

Decisions made in fear and haste,

Regret; no, it never really goes away.

Forget the hurt, embrace the numbness for a minute.

Let yourself disappear into it.

What right did we have making love like it was alright?

Spending these sleepless nights

Under a blanketed sky of a billion stars

Out there in the moonlight.

From dusk ‘til the break of dawn,

‘Til the fog had cleared and gone.

Why, when we both knew that it was wrong?

When we knew it all along,

and let it go that far, for that long.

Now we’re left to walk around with these broken hearts of ours.

And we’ve lost sight of all our goals and dreams.

Of who we really are.

Of the people we once strove to be.

This time, I fear our choices might have gone too far.

For this war we’ve waged, YOU and I,

Was over long before it started;

lost before we gave it our best try.

So many lives we destroyed,

and not just yours and mine.

All the collateral damage we struggled in vain to contain;

and all that pain.

And what exactly from it did we gain?

Two worlds torn apart; havoc wreaked from the inside out.

Despair and destruction from which we could not hide.

‘Tis a heavy price we paid for a LOVE that was built on lies.

Left were we with fragments of memories of rainy nights and senseless fights.

Regrets we’ll carry the rest of our lives.

Is it enough to know in the end how hard we tried,

to undo our mistakes and do what we thought would make things right.

To fix the brokenness inside ourselves our little affair had wrought?

But we were only human; we were weak.

We searched, but we couldn’t find the peace we sought.

All those nights.

How we took comfort in each other,

lied down with one another,

tangled limbs, skin to skin,

and committed the ultimate sin.

Time after time, over and over,

again and again.

But You and I,

We’re not the victims in this story,

we both must split the blame.

And so if by chance that you’ve forgotten,

let me remind you once again.

Hearts are fragile things.

They only stretch so far before they’re bound to break.

And all this back-and-forth you like to play,

they count–each and every move you make.

This is Real Life, not a game.

So maneuver all you want, deny and deflect,  

try to pass the blame.

‘Cause you might think you’ve found a way, but trust me when I say,

there’s nothing you can do, and nothing you can say.

You haven’t won a thing,

and you don’t get to simply walk away.

Just as I, we both have to stay.

There is no escape, no other way.

Because I know how this plays out,

I’ve seen what lies ahead.

I’ve played it in my head, over and over again.

It’s inevitable. 

No one wins in this.

We BOTH lose in the end.

-JLR 5.31.2016- 

 

Run, Girl, Run… a poem.

Run, Girl, Run… a poem


You asked me tonight

Got down on your knees

Romance in the air,

Flowers everywhere.

Music and moonlight, the perfect scene;

And the prettiest diamond ring I’d ever seen.

And in your eyes I saw a future; a vision of what could be.

Of white picket fences and backyard swings

A happy home and a couple of kids.

An endless love that would see us through everything.

And anything that life might bring.

~~

Babe, you looked so sweet,

kneeling down there at my feet.

Stealing my breath,

making my heart skip a beat.

And I wanted so badly to accept that ring.

To believe that we could have those things.

To believe that we could live happily-ever-after,

YOU and ME.

~~

But I’m not the girl that stays.

I never have been; I never will be.

I’m the girl that leaves, you see.

Time and time again.

Always.

I put up walls around my heart.

Too high to break down.

I barricade the pain inside, too afraid to let it out.

To let anyone fully in, to really be myself.

Unable to trust, I’m filled with so much doubt.

And you can try but you can’t save me,

It’s best if you just save yourself.

Trust me.

Because I’ve tried just as hard,

and I can’t fix it like I thought.

God knows if I could,

For you I would.

Babe, I’d move Heaven and Earth.

But there’s only so much you can take.

Only so long you can tread for when you’re swimming in heartbreak.

Only so long that you can pretend and fake.

When right feels wrong, and wrong feels right.

When darkness creeps in and steals your soul–a clever thief in the night.

Taking all that’s good.

Taking all your light.

Without a word, ‘til you lose your fight.

~~

You asked me tonight.

Got down on your knees

You waited for an answer.

Pleaded with me to say something.

Anything.

To the moon and back, that’s what you said.

That you love me and I love you.

And I do—it’s true.

If only that were enough for you.

For that it’s not, I don’t blame you.

You deserve a girl that can stay.

Not one that’s made a career out of running away.

~~

You asked me tonight.

Got down on your knees.

The perfect proposal.

Yes was on my lips, but I said no.

Such a cliché, I know.

The “it’s me not you” excuse.

But in this case, that old adage rings true.

And it’s just too much,

It’s everything, all at once.

And I can’t change who I am.

Or be the girl you need for me to be.

What you see is what you get,

this is me.

A free bird, through and through.

Afraid of being caged in;

of being told what to do, how to feel,

and how to live.

So this is it, here is where we must part.

Any further and we’ll just wreck one another.

Piece by piece, bit by bit,

‘til we’re just ghosts of two people that used to love each other.

Consumed by our regrets and sporting broken hearts,

Walking around with vital pieces missing of ourselves.

~~

A girl like me—Babe, you just can’t trust the leaving kind.

Yeah, I’ll leave you in the dust,

I’ll leave you behind.

Always ready to take flight and fly,

just a little bit broken inside.

I rise with the morning sun.

I’m the girl on the run.

I’m the One…the One saying goodbye.

Every time.

~~

xoMESSIE

JLR 5.26.2016

#AllLivesMatter … a poem

This is a little poem that’s part of a photo/road-tripping/city-slicking project I’m putting together for this summer. It’s going to be ahhhmazing!!!

xoMESSIE


#AllLivesMatter … A Poem

I bleed RED.

Not BLACK.

Not WHITE.

Not BLUE.

I have a purpose on this Earth,

just like you.

I mean something to someone, too.

My life has worth, no more, no less than you.

So let’s put down the guns.

Stop the violence, stop the drugs.

No need to shoot, my hands are up.

Let’s talk this out with words.

Let go of all the hate, intimidation,

and the hundred-year-old fear.

Look in my eyes and there you’ll see the truth.

That the color of my skin does not define me.

That I’m not a threat to you.

You’ll see it doesn’t have to be this way.

That we CAN break this cycle;

go our separate ways.

Live in harmony, live in peace.

This is it.

The make-or-break moment.

After which, we’ll never be the same.

The tie that will forever bind us.

You and I—so different on the outside.

But inside, we’re very much the same.

We break, we bruise, we live, and we die;

It’s a struggle most days just to survive.

We think in terms of what should have-would have-could have beens.

So if we could just put race and the color of our skin aside,

We’d be fine, you and I.

‘Cause we’ve seen how this plays out.

And no one wins in the end.

When everyone bleeds RED.

 – JLR 3.19.2016-

Scandalous…A Poem

– Scandalous…A Poem –

Lower me down

Into blankets of silk

Skin to skin

Cradle me close, lover of mine

Bathe me in sin

Over and over, and then over again

Tell me you love me

With feeling this time, like you actually do

And maybe, just maybe I’ll believe it, too

Your touch, such a frenzied-yet beautiful thing

Your whispered promises carry in the wind

The gentlest of caresses against my skin

Pull me in closer, do it again

Just like that

Baby, that’s the spot

A parry, a thrust

The time-old connection where soft meets hard

Your ragged breath against my neck

With you, I’m at my weakest

If it weren’t for the lingering remnants of my pride

I’d beg you to please show me some mercy.

My guard goes down, the façade is gone

In your arms, I’m lost.

Our bodies, they glisten with a most decadent sheen

The aftermath glow of a mutually satisfied,

yet purely self-serving need.

After, when we part,

The vow we make is always the same.

We try our best to hold out; to be strong

But to the world, we’re just pawns

In this hopelessly futile, self-deprecating game.

The world tells us lies

And we console ourselves with the idea that we have time.

Thinking we have more.

When in truth, we have nothing of the kind.

We’re been betrayed

Deceived by fantasies and fabricated facts

Happily-Ever-After doesn’t exist

True love is a lie

It’s a hard pill to swallow

Believe me, I know

It was hard for me, at first, too

To let it all go

But fantasies fade

And sometimes love dies, never was, or just needs to change—

For everyone’s sake.

So with baited breath, we wait.

We glide through life

Believing everything is meant to be

See and do things we aren’t meant to do or see

Until we see the light, slip on life’s black ice

We fall through the cracks

We fall so hard, we fall so deep

We’re not nearly as invincible as we might like to think

You and me

We’re walking vulnerability

Beach sand formed to fragile glass

We heat until we break

Then shatter what’s around us

Hurt the ones we claim to love

We’re flawed, we make mistakes

Just as children starting out so often do

We falter in our steps

We skin our knees, we bleed

It’s what we do

After all, we’re only human,

You and me.

– JLR –

2.21.2016

Small Town … a poem

Small Town… A Poem

 

She can hear them some nights

Whispered voices in her dreams

“Little Girl, you’ll never make it

The big city’s not for you,

This small-town is IT for you.

You’re being foolish, unrealistic

It’s time to grow up,

Time to face the facts

Get your head out of the clouds;

Come on now, come on down.

Child, haven’t you figured out by now —

There’s only one ticket out of this town

And it’s a 6 foot hole in the ground, an unmarked pine box

And a forever residence in that old cemetery by St. Mary’s,

That old Church where come every Sunday,

all the townsfolk gather ‘round.

Whispered voices, trying to convince her.

Oh, all the times and how absolutely they tried.

And how she’d cover her ears so mute their voices,

And ignore them every time.

She couldn’t just take them at their word,

She had to find out for her.

She knew somehow that there was more to life,

Beyond those empty, small-town streets.

Things that she just had to see.

It was her story to write.

Her words, on her own terms,

In her OWN way.

And she vowed she’d write it someday.

It took some doing, it took some time.

But someday finally came.

Though with it came a heavy price to pay.

In making her own way,

She had to sacrifice so much along the way.

Her family, her friends.

Her sense of self; her pride.

She learned how to lie;

How to keep the pain so carefully bottled up inside.

She became an expert at not letting them see her cry.

She realized the futility in asking why,

She learned how useless it was to even try.

When it was time for her to go,

She forwent the sentiments and the goodbyes.

She turned, walked away, and didn’t look back.

To the edge of town, ‘til her feet bled,

she walked and walked.

Then she fought, oh how she fought.

She scratched and she clawed.

She got out of that godforsaken town.

Now the joke is on them.

And the satisfaction is hers.

Just a small-town girl with her head-in-the-clouds,

Too afraid to come down.

That’s what they called her.

That’s what they said.

But they misjudged her all along.

She was stronger, more determined,

more capable than they thought.

They said she’d never make it.

So she made it her mission to prove them ALL wrong.

Now look at what she’s got.

A mansion in the hills.

A shiny Porsche in the drive.

Beautiful baby in her arms.

A loving man by her side.

Her name on a star,

Down on Hollywood Boulevard.

For a small-town girl,

Never expected to make it very far.

She’s made quite the life for herself.

Superstar status.

Yeah, she sure has it all.

 

JLR

2/16/2016

 

Sandcastles … A Poem.

Sandcastles… A POEM.

Barefoot

Holding hands

Running, jumping

“Tag!” — “You’re IT!”

Building castles in the sand,

While time was slipping right on through her hands.

And that girl she used to be–the optimist, the dreamer, the believer–

No, she never stood a chance.

Her, with those wide-open, curious hazel eyes.

She’s gone.

Her innocence, too ; swept away with childhood’s high tide.

Never to be seen again.

Never to be found.

Nothing to break up the silence.

Nothing to fill the sound.

Just this empty ness remains.

A void; a hole; this never-ending abyss deep down inside her soul.

She’s terrified of what her future holds.

But she hasn’t given up, just yet ; she hasn’t given in.

True, she has no desire left to fight,

And her will to live is shaky, at best.

Still, there’s a difference.

It’s slight—but there is.

She’s numb to the world,

She feels not a thing.

Such a sad, yet beautiful in it’s own right way to live.

Wouldn’t you agree?

No feelings to hurt, no one to offend.

No hearts to break or to have broken in return.

No mistakes or regrets;

No life lessons to be learned.

No scars to wear, however having been earned.

Like the ones on her body.

On her arms–the faint, fading marks;

or on her wrist, that jagged white, battle scar.

It haunts and it tempts her; its one and the same.

It beckons her back, it beckons her near.

It feeds on her FEAR.

So she tries to forget.

To go all the way back.

To that barefoot little girl

Running in the sand, laughing

Longing to be that innocent again.

Oh, there’s nothing that she wouldn’t give.

Yeah, she’d give anything.

 Everything.

For five minutes.

Just to be HER again.

-MESSIE- 

(JLR)

1.16.2015

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