Lay Down Those Arms…

Seeing how this is generally my quiet place when it comes to politically-charged op-eds, I thought I’d vent a little here and save myself the digital ridiculousness that will most definitely ensue if I were to post on Facebook or elsewhere.

The recent Valentine’s Day school shooting down in Florida. Yeah. Where oh where to even begin. I wonder what it says about the person I am…or just humanity in general…that it’s getting harder and harder to be sensitive to these tragedies anymore. Not that I don’t have sympathy for the victims, their families, friends, and loved ones…I do. It’s the general aspect of it happening. How does one not become desensitized to the news when it’s happening at such a frequency that you can’t turn on a TV, open a newspaper, or go on social media without hearing of something happening here or there practically every other day? Honestly, I don’t know if there’s something in the water or the air or what…but people are seriously fucked up these days, and more and more. I mean, what the hell. Columbine. Aurora. San Bernardino. Virginia Tech. Sandy Hook. Orlando. Las Vegas. And now, Parkland. God, where does it end? When does it stop? When are we going to stop killing one another? When are the laws and these idiots we’re electing going to look past the money and the power (or the promise/expectation of it)…their own fucking egos and ambitions, and actually DO something to stop the bloodshed? When are we as a nation going to put the politics and bullshit aside to sit down and figure something out TOGETHER, as one… to reverse this fucking monstrosity, freak-show, SHIT-SHOW of a cycle? WHEN? How many people…how many CHILDREN must die before we say you know what, FUCK the system, it’s broken, something’s OBVIOUSLY not working…and do something. ANYTHING. But nope. Instead we want to keep wasting time pointing blame and fingers, bickering like a bunch of fucking CHILDREN ourselves. It’s un-fucking-believable.

Personally, I don’t get it. I don’t comprehend how a human being can just wake up one morning and decide to kill 17 people…or 58…or 20 first-graders for fucks sake. I just don’t. That goes beyond mental health or some fucking chemical imbalances, if you ask me. Honestly, I think some people are just plain fucking evil. Maybe they’re born that way, maybe that’s the mold society created or pushed them into…I don’t know. I just know that it’s EVIL. Pure and simple.

As a society, we have a duty to our countrymen…to humankind. To ourselves. But we’re slacking. So badly, we’re slacking. We should be doing whatever we can or could possibly do to make sure that what happened 10 days ago doesn’t happen again. EVER. But we’re not doing that. We’re not doing a damn thing. Mistakes were made. Big time. But instead of owning up to it…people are bitching and trying to place blame. Well…the way I see it…we’re all to blame. We as a society FAILED those 17 victims. We failed their families and loved ones. We failed all those traumatized teenagers and teachers that slid and ducked and hid from a spray of bullets. They survived, but their lives will never be the same. Never, ever again. Could we have prevented what happened and saved them from the sounds and images of hell they heard and saw that day? Hell fucking yes we could have. But we didn’t. And so here we are… left to make sense of something that by definition, makes no fucking sense… left to clean up and struggle through and move on…somehow. Left to place blame and albeit in some warped, fucked up way…try to find justice for those victims, families, and survivors. But who(m) or what exactly is to blame? Is it the fault of that cowardly school security officer who waited OUTSIDE for FOUR FUCKING MINUTES while bullets were flying and terrified KIDS were running out of buildings… running for their lives? Is it the fault of the NRA for advocating/promoting the purchasing and prevalence of weaponry that I think it’s safe to say is rarely being used anymore for what/how it was initially intended? Is it Senator Rubio’s fault for taking said proverbial blood-money from that organization (among others) to push his political agenda(s)? Is it the blame of our forefathers for writing that tricky 2nd Amendment that’s causing all this trouble we’re seeing/experiencing now? I mean, surely… they had to have known that it wouldn’t be long before we’d start slinging guns and using them on each other instead of our enemies? Surely, they would have. Is it the fault of that pitiful orange excuse of a President who’d rather spend his days twittering his thumbs away…literally… and jet-setting every weekend to play golf …and making empty promises and ridiculous proposals …than doing something productive or god-forbid—good for the country? Seriously, what the fuck. I get not wanting to piss off the super pacs that helped you (big-time!) get that cushy job and pretty white house down on Pennsylvania Avenue. Do I agree with it—hell fucking no—but I get it. But repealing your predecessor’s initiative on mental-health effective/related gun reform, only to turn around and spout the same damn idea as it was yours all along…yeah, no. And what kind of idiot would even SUGGEST that we arm our educators and turn our classrooms into—essentially—war zones? Seriously…I don’t know what the fuck this guy (TRUMP) is thinking…but I wish someone would just put some duct tape over that idiot joker’s mouth and tell him, for once and for all, to please just SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously, President Idiot, shut up.

The legal and moral blame is on that sicko that’s sitting down in that cell as we speak… for sure. I’m not denying that. In fact, I hope he gets everything he deserves and has coming to him. If that just so happens to be a guilty verdict and lethal injection…then so be it. He killed 17 people. Does he deserve to pay for his crimes? Without a doubt, yes. Moreover, those victims and their families deserve justice. If the price of that is his life in return then again… so be it. He owns the majority of the blame, definitely…but it’s not all his. He was a ticking time-bomb, from all accounts. I mean, he was beyond trouble. People knew it. The school knew it. The authorities knew it. Everyone fucking knew, it seems. Hell, he was expelled from the very school in which he chose to unleash his terror upon. He was self-harming and had tried multiple times to kill himself over a span of YEARS… and people knew it. He clearly had issues…BIG issues. He warned people. He was reported numerous times to the authorities…hell, even the FBI had been warned that he intended to shoot up a school and they just ignored it. They did nothing. The system really failed him. Not that that’s an excuse. He knew what he was doing. He rationalized it. He legally bought a gun that no ordinary civilian (or 19-year-old one, for that matter) could possibly need but was allowed to keep it under his bed in the home of the people that had taken him in when his own flesh and blood had put him out. Whether the media is purposely glossing over or unmeaningly quashing those supposed rumors that he’d been mistreated and bullied…but I think there’s something there…and it deserves consideration. There’s the fact that this kid planned for months what he was going to do. Also, there’s the fact that he was obviously targeting one or several targets. I mean, why would he take the time to go to the 3rd floor when if it was just a matter of a body count and numbers? If that were the case, I’m sure he could have had the time and opportunity to do more damage right there on the ground floor of the building he shot up, especially with how many would-be victims would have been running right in his direction for the limited exits. Some people are saying he probably thought he’d have more time to keep shooting if there were three floors between himself and law enforcement…and thus a matter of quantity over quality…and that we probably didn’t care because he likely planned to kill himself before being captured. Now that… I’m on the fence with. He didn’t turn the gun on himself. He completed the attack, disguised himself as one of his peers, and attempted to run…all of which gives no indication that he wanted/thought he was going to be caught. So why make it harder on himself by going up to higher floors? It seems illogical to me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not condoning his actions…and it’s inconsequential really whether he had intended targets or not… but it’d certainly clear up some speculation into what I and others, I’m sure, have into wanting to understand/know why he did what he did.

Bullying is at hard-core levels these days. It’s not like the old days where the taunts existed mainly in those halls and lockers and bathroom stalls. Back then you only had to dread going to school… but knew you could always leave it at the door. Kids are fucking assholes these days. Thanks to the amazing invention we call the Internet and social media—there’s no escape. Bullying HELL is 24/7. The statistis on bullying and suicide are overwhelming…and understandable. I mean, of course, when you’re 14 and 15, etc. we all think we’re so damn grown… but we’re really not. Sure, you’ve seen and have probably endured more than those back in the old days might have at your age…but having grown up and been immersed in this fucked up mentality and environment basically from birth…it’s more of a common place feeling than a “special” one. Kids/teenagers these days are being raised by screens and trendy gadgets. They’re being desensitized by video games that reward them for virtual murders and rapes and attacks, etc. I’m not saying it’s the video games…but they sure as hell don’t help matters any. It’s that naiveite that leads to tragedies like Parkland. I’m no medical expert, but even I know that teenagers’ brains are still developing. They’re only just learning at that age how to cope with realities they don’t understand/accept. And sadly, they don’t really have a grasp on time so they literally don’t know how to process the idea that it won’t always be the hell like it is. That one day it WILL end. That high school isn’t forever. They don’t get that and since they can’t see past the very limited near future, they think there’s no way out and choose suicide as a means to solve their problems. I feel so sad for all these kids. I just want to hug them and tell them that it gets better. Because it does. I mean, it’s not always easy. There are some hairy parts and bumps along the way…but it does get better. And it IS worth it. They might not see it or feel like it will now…but it will. I just wish someone could have told all those kids that didn’t make it that. But I can’t do that. We can’t do that. But we can do something today or tomorrow or the tomorrows after that. We can change. We can put down the guns and enact some REAL gun reform once and for all. But we must act quick. All of us. Together. That’s how we do this. That’s how we stop the bloodshed. We open our eyes and we do what’s right…simply because it’s right and not because we’ve been forced to do it. And we have to WANT it. We have to come together for the common good now. For our sakes. For the sake of the children. For the generations to come. Maybe it’ll happen in this lifetime. I for sure would love to see it in my lifetime. But I’m not holding my breath. If that makes me a cynic, well…so be it.


To Protect & Serve…

America. The land of the free. Or so they say…

Trust the system, they say. Trust that justice will prevail. But it didn’t yesterday. Hell, that seems to be the case with most things these days. Philando Castile was an American citizen. He was 32 years old and worked a menial job as a nutrition services supervisor for one of Saint Paul’s public schools—a job, I might add, that he’d held down since shortly after he graduated high school. He wasn’t some gangbanger or deadbeat (though it wouldn’t matter if he had been). He was an innocent, up-standing citizen, from all accounts, and aside from numerous traffic infractions, his record was clean. Like so many persons of color and/or minority, he was singled out because of his ethnicity and color of his skin. You can’t tell me any different. Circumstantial and/or lack of evidence aside, he was murdered. A man in blue and with a badge killed him in cold blood…and thanks to Facebook Live, it’s out there forever—imprinted in the minds for those that had or have seen it. It’s sickening.

Like Michael Brown, Alton Sterling, and the dozens of other victims at the hands of the police, he did nothing wrong. He informed the officer of his permit to carry a concealed weapon from the start, just as he was required to do. He did everything he was supposed to do…and yet, he was still murdered. Live. In front of and watched by hundreds of thousands of viewers.

His killer was just acquitted and is walking around free, among us all. Mr. Castile wasn’t given that luxury…because he’s dead. And for what? Because his skin happened to be dark and not white? Because he supposedly fit the description of a burglary suspect with a “wide nose”? Because some officer jumped the gun and pulled the trigger without affording him the benefit of the doubt that is often automatically afforded to individuals that are white?

The system dropped the ball on this. The fact that he shot Mr. Castile on a live-stream—how much more proof do you need?!—makes it that much more fucked up that they acquitted him. Innocent on all counts…but that’s not exactly true, as we all know far too well. He isn’t innocent. He discharged his entire service weapon into the vehicle, seven bullets to be exact, at Mr. Castile from outside the vehicle—while Mr. Castile was still wearing his seat belt and gave no impression or intent of violence. No threats were spewed. No sudden moves were made. But the officer claimed (and still claims) he was in fear for his life? Yeah, no–that’s total bullshit. Even if that were the case, did he honestly need to shoot the guy seven times? Wouldn’t one bullet have sufficed? What’s even more fucked up is that the officer fired into that vehicle seven times with a passenger and a 4-year-old child in the backseat. Who the hell does that? Murder/manslaughter aside, he should still have been charged with and convicted for using excessive force, and endangering the welfare of a child, at the very least. Hell, a man is dead, but his murderer gets off scot-free. What kind of twisted shit is that? It’s not justice, that’s for damn sure. Had it been an ordinary civilian that shot him, he/she would have been charged and likely convicted for manslaughter ASAP. It wouldn’t even be a question or thought. But because that officer has a badge and chose to shoot first, ask questions later…a man is dead. And now, despite those very reasons, he gets to walk away without reprisal or consequence. How is that fair? To answer in simple terms, it’s NOT.

Something—the system, the courts—needs to change. Someone needs to do something. This hostility can’t last indefinitely…this war between the police and civilians must end. We need better laws that protect the victims, and not the perpetrators. This shit with these gun-happy, (often) racially-motivated cops getting away with their crimes has got to stop. And if they don’t do something soon, I predict that all hell is going to break loose. People are rioting and marching in the streets because they’re sick of it all. They don’t trust the police, but then, why would they—especially what with everything that’s happened recently. There’s so much anger brewing between both sides and eventually it must combust. And no one wants to be there for that. I sure as hell don’t.

What pisses me off about all this news and these cases is that it’s only adding the proverbial gasoline to the proverbial fire, making things worse. The marches, the riots…people are demanding action-demanding change. The Black Lives Matter movement is stretched thin and people are on the edge. The movement has strayed so far from its original intent that it’s barely even recognizable. Granted, I think some of it is exaggerated. If there’s a black person(s) involved—in any way—innocent or guilty—it breeds hostility and becomes a case for racism. And that’s not fair. Yes, sometimes it is racially-motivated. But what many fail to realize it’s that that’s not always the case. Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with race, but people make it out to be. I hate that…how quick people are to assume. Most people are good. Most don’t have a racist bone in their body. And still, people like to jump to conclusions based on history from decades before—experiences and injustices that they, themselves, have never even encountered, most of the time. You can’t play the victim card when you’re not really a victim. It’s hard to see through the bitter fog of misery some times, that much I do know.

I’m not even going to get started on the Bill Cosby disaster, but I will say that it’s a bun. The man admitted under oath that he’d drugged and assaulted several women, and now whole onslaught of victims are coming forward claiming the same, and yet…the guy gets to walk. I don’t care if he is a TV icon for persons of color…he’s a rapist. They should lock him up and throw away the key. Let’s wait and see if the prosecutors have the nerve to try him again. Hopefully they will so.

We live in a sad, sad world. Such a shame. All that I can say (ask) is #WhereIsTheLove. Seriously. Where. Is. The. LOVE.




( Fair Warning – I apologize in advance for the language but well…with the mood I’m min, it can’t be helped… Sorry… )

All I can say is that it must be pretty damn icy down there in hell right. I never thought the day would come that I’d literally be ashamed to call myself an American and to live in this great country. And a certain orange Nazi can keep talking out of his ass until it turns blue about how apparently NOT great this country is, but at the end of the day, his talk is just as cheap as his morality. And completely baseless, for that matter. He’s wrong. WRONG. America is already great. Granted, it’s not perfect and there’s a ton of fucked up shit that’s happened and will–undoubtedly—continue to happen every day until the end of time…but it doesn’t diminish this country’s greatness. Not entirely, anyhow.

At least, that’s what I thought…until today. Now, my thoughts and beliefs and emotions in that statement are a hot fucking mess. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m in disbelief. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m sad. My emotions are all kinds of fucked up. But on the bright side, I know for certain that I’m not the only one. It’s comforting…and yet really simultaneously terrifying.

Honestly, I don’t know how we got here…how it’s come this far. Not to sound bitter or anything (although I am) but I still can’t believe that Hillary lost back in November. I really can’t. I really thought she had this election and forthright presidency in the bag. I can’t believe that America actually put Donald Trump in the oval—to run a country and subsequently hold the fates of millions of people in his hands. This man is a joke and a disgrace to not just the office of the President, but to America itself, as a whole. Trump didn’t win this election on merit or luck or capability … he won it on FEAR and HATE. And that is an irrefutable fact. Not an “alternative fact” but an actual, documented FACT. Oh no—just used that scary word. God forbid. Oh and while we’re on the subject—a big fuck you Kelly Ann Conway. Seriously. Thanks BITCH – for being a part of the problem and NOT the solution. Really, thanks.

I was shocked then, that night back in November…and I’m still shocked, to tell you the truth. America really dropped the ball on this one this time. I’ve been seeing and reading these posts by people, telling anti-Trump supporters to “get over it already”, “to accept it”, and that “he’s still YOUR/MY President whether you like/want it or not”. Oh, and also the ones that takes it step further by mocking or disparaging those who before, had no real political interest, but now – according to and conveniently, they say — do. That really hits home for me. And as such, makes me peeved as hell. It’s true, I’ve never been very fond of politics and I’ve stayed away from involving myself, let alone actually advocating for it. But this time is different. You can ask any one, this wasn’t your typical election. From the very beginning, it’s been an absolute shit show. Trump and Cruz walking around with their chests puffed out and actually thinking they’re the solution the country desperately needs…Bernie with his civil rights’ protesting and straight-shooter plans and ideas…Hillary and those emails. Those fucking emails. Did she fuck up and make a mistake? Yes. Did that mistake contribute to the tragic deaths of good men and true Patriots? Sadly, yes. Did she lie? Yes. She did those things. But she also confessed and took ownership of those mistakes. Could her sincerity have been forged and/or did it take force in the form of a subpoena for her to admit those mistakes? Yes, to both. Should those mistakes destroy her career, her dreams, or her ambitions? I don’t think so. People seem to forget that she was cleared of any criminal wrong-doing. What she did might have been unethical and just a tad bit politically/morally-corrupt, but it wasn’t illegal. And it doesn’t and shouldn’t define her or who she is. That shouldn’t be her legacy. For Chrissakes, she lied, people! She just lied. People do that from time to time…not that that is an excuse…but it’s what people do. We’re flawed. We make mistakes. But come on people, she’s also a politician…and we all know what that means. Politicians lie. It’s ingrained in them, I think. So to hold something of such little importance or effect on the country on as a whole as that over her head…it’s messed up. Not to mention, completely unfair. But we have douchebag Trump and his merry band of identical douchebags who did just that. To hell with what it could/would have meant to and done for Women’s Rights and the Women’s Movement, just in general. She could have shattered the highest glass ceiling…and by doing so, could have set an example for all little girls and women, proving that all things and dreams are possible if you want it bad enough and work hard enough for it. She could have made history, changed it, and done incredible things for this country. I believed in her. Hell, I still believe in her.

Thanks to Trump and his little cronies, those are realities that sadly, will never be. A few emails are all it took to persuade the country to jump ship and take Trump’s side. To ignore the serious faults of a man who has proven repeatedly to be nothing more than an egotistical, impulsive, childish, ignorant, petty, hate-filled, pathetic resemblance of a man, hell even just a goddamn human being. A few emails have placated the clueless, resentful, and ultimately vindictive beings of this society. The result of this election only goes to show how naïve and illogical and just plain fucking blind people are. I find it absolutely incredible that anyone could possibly feel justified in thinking that a few emails and lies are more damaging and less conducive or more destructive to the survival of this republic and country than a man who openly defies the very constitution that he was sworn to uphold, thinks who he is and has taken it upon himself to declare authoritative, arbitrary, and sole power over the rights actions, beliefs, religions, and creeds of others—in direct opposition of everything this country stands for and believes in. He’s ignored and destroyed us to our human core and foundation. He’s a power-hungry tyrant in a fragile republic and political system, out for his own well-being and no one else’s—and certainly not the American people he promised to represent and protect.

Those that want to post and judge a person’s political agenda or “prowess” can quite literally kiss my ass. They don’t get that this election was unlike any other we’ve had. It’s not that I don’t care about politics or that I’m being picky or overly selective. I’ve simply chosen to stand up for and advocate for a country that needs and deserves a President worthy and capable of the power exposed to and responsibility placed in his/her hands. Maybe ideally, that wasn’t Hillary. Who knows. It sure as hell wasn’t and ISN’T Trump though. That man is morally-bankrupt and fill of nothing but hate. He has no compassion for the plight and suffering of others. He’s made a fortune literally on the backs and in the wallets of hard-working men and women. He’s put himself in an advantageous position against the women he associates and interacts with. He sexualizes women –his own daughter and wife included– and feels no shame in making unwanted moves against ANY woman he deigns to lust after. That jackass he calls a VP wants to take control and make decisions for women and their bodies by defunding programs that benefit women and their health. That fucking Pence. I can’t stand him. Him or all his little pro-life buddies who think it’s a mortal/prosecutable sin to terminate a pregnancy DESPITE not knowing the special circumstances or reasons or situations involved in the decision. I love how it’s the woman that is being judged and threatened and ordered to do or not do something to her body that will 100 percent effect the quality of life and plans for her future in inconceivable, innumerable ways. Pence and his idiot followers are all for this ban on abortions and punishing women for writing their own stories…but are they even the least bit bothered to do something—anything—to lowering the number of sexual assaults and violence against women in this country? Or the stigma that still comes with being a young mother or single mother? Do they concern themselves with the circumstances of a woman’s pregnancy? That maybe a rape victim doesn’t want to carry around a constant reminder of one of the worst moments/days/nights of her life for nine long months? Do they care if that child will go hungry and starve, have no shelter, have no love or care or receive no affection throughout his/her life? Do they consider any of those things before even considering turning over Roe vs. Wade or have Trump sign some executive order against abortions? Hell no. It’s fucking bullshit. And Trump–he’s ordered a steel wall to be built that will separate families and undo political ties with a bordering country that we’ve mutually benefitted from one another at points in time.

And now with this Muslim Ban? I swear, that orange fucking POS is batshit crazy. Banning travel into and out of countries that practice the Muslim religion, thereby stranding hundreds of people, dividing families, keeping desperate refugees literally fleeing for their and their family’s lives from asylum and just a small semblance of safety, and increasing tensions world-wide in ways that aren’t favorable at all to the United States…is he for real? And the best part is that the countries he’s put his ban on aren’t either of the countries from which any extremists or terrorists who have struck on US soil in the past have immigrated from. Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia—the country that has homegrown, trained, and sent thousands of terrorists to our shores with the sole purpose of taking as many human—American human—lives as they possibly can—nope, no ban on that country. Can you say oil?

I saw this quick clip earlier of the thousands of people that have gathered at Terminal 4 at JFK in New York to protest Trump’s latest ban and as ashamed as I of my country and the fucking shit that’s been piling up at the hands of that orange bastard…I was moved by their strength and perseverance at being there and speaking up and doing something to counteract Trump and to let the American people be the ones to define and write the country’s narrative (and NOT Trump’s!) and do so in a way that doesn’t alienate or create even more division within this country and around the world. There’s enough division as it is. So far, all of Trump’s so-called “great” plans have only worked to widen the division further…and nothing else. People keep saying that we need to give him a chance…but that’s now a terrifying thought. He’s gone way too far. Sure, he’s keeping his white-sheet-wearing buddies and billionaire suit cronies happy…but at America’s expense—both the people AND the country. It needs to stop. HE needs to be stopped. We need to take back this country and stick to the ideals we set forth in the past. I’m not saying there aren’t any things that couldn’t be adjusted or changed altogether… just that we need to stop this cancer at its start, before it spreads like wildfire, out of control and dangerous to all our well-beings. That’s really the only option we have at this point.

Image result for muslimban jfk

So I ask you…will you speak up or stay silent in your little bubbles of indifference? Will you join the movement to plot this ship back on its rightful course? America…we made a grievous mistake back in November. It’s on us to make that right. And we can. Together. We’re stronger when we’re together. We always have been. We always will be…<3


What If It Were YOUR Child??

I came across this article in my news feed on Facebook today–and while I generally try to keep my timeline politics-free—in this instance, I decided to break my rules and make an exception. The article, which you can read for yourself in its entirety HERE , shares a photograph a mother uploaded to social media of her 3-year-old daughter standing on the toilet seat in the family’s bathroom, and along with it, just an incredibly powerful, thought-provoking, eye-opening caption that literally had me in tears. This is that photograph and the caption (for those of you that aren’t click-happy):


Image  Credit: — Stacey Wehrman Feeley FACEBOOK–

“ I took this picture because initially I thought it was funny. I was going to send it to my husband to show what our mischievous little three-year-old was up to. However, The moment she told me what she was doing I broke down. She was practicing for a lockdown drill at her preschool and what you should do if you are stuck in a bathroom. At that moment all innocence of what I thought my three-year-old possessed was gone.

Politicians – take a look. This is your child, your children, your grandchildren, your great grand children and future generations to come. They will live their lives and grow up in this world based on your decisions. They are barely 3 and they will hide in bathroom stalls standing on top of toilet seats. I do not know what will be harder for them? Trying to remain quiet for an extended amount of time or trying to keep their balance without letting a foot slip below the stall door?

No one thinks gun control will be 100% crime control. But maybe, just maybe, it helps 1% or 2% or 50%? Who knows unless we try? Why on earth are there not universal background checks? Where is a universal registration database? Why are high capacity magazines ever permitted to be sold to anyone other than direct to the military? Is that really necessary to protect yourself or hunt for that matter? What about smart guns, where are they? C’mon techies! The 2nd Amendment is a beast to battle and wiping out the right to bear arms is not on the table. Does anyone really think that will be accomplished? Because it won’t. Amended to some extent? Maybe. But how many decades will that take? Where’s the evolution of our so called “living document” for this subject matter? A document that originally allowed slavery and prevented women from voting? NRA, are you even trying? Let’s talk mental health. Where is the $500 million that the Obama administration put into the budget for approval…did it go through? Is it being implemented or just sitting there? Where is the access to care for those struggling with mental illness? Politicians, I ask you…how can I help?

Banning together, signing petitions, rallying to get your voice heard is good, but is it actually doing anything or just making us feel better about the current situation? We need action. I applaud politicians like Senator Chris Murphy but so many of our elected politicians can’t manage to work together (maybe they shouldn’t be paid for a job they can’t do…just saying) or since they are in bed with all the wrong people, it is up to us if we want change. I want to know what new smart technology is being built for safer guns, advanced security in public places, databases, traveling care for the mentally ill…anything! Entrepreneurs, innovators, are you there? Can I help? Can I help you make a difference? I want to offer support. I cannot give you techie advice, expertise in healthcare, or financial backing, BUT maybe I can point you in the right direction? Maybe I know someone who knows someone who can help? Incubators, investors…if this issue concerns you, do what you do best and help make change. Can I help? Hold funding competitions, provide think tanks for these very things. Hollywood, the PSA’s are good, but not good enough. Eventually they disappear and are forgotten.

I am not pretending to have all the answers or even a shred of them, but unless you want your children standing on top of a toilet, we need to do something! Please share.”

‪#‎dosomething ‪#‎prayfororlando ‪#‎wecandobetter Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America

— Stacey Wehrman Feeley (FACEBOOK) —


I don’t know about you all, but reading those words, seeing that picture…I was floored. I am sickened by the knowledge that this is the reality of today’s youth. That this is the world in which we live in—where 3-year-olds (they’re preschoolers for Christ sakes!) are participating in actual lockdown drills; being taught what to do if some bad guy comes into their school with a gun and they’re in the bathroom.

Come on, people! Am I not the only one to see that there is something seriously fucking wrong with that picture? How many people have to die before something gets done about this? Columbine. Virginia Tech. Aurora. Charleston. Sandy Hook. Orlando. How many more innocent lives are to be sacrificed needlessly and senselessly and in vain before these politicians stop catering to these super pacs like the NRA, get their heads out of their asses and start earning the positions they were elected into by—oh, I don’t know—maybe following through with the promises they made/make…or just doing SOMETHING, at least, about the problem.

Rarely a day goes by that I don’t see a post on my Facebook feed, especially in light of recent events, from someone bitching about the big debate over gun control. Mostly, I feel like asking people if they even hear or read what they say…and if they realize how ridiculous they sound. Because they are. Being ridiculous, that is. They’re ranting and bitching about the 2nd Amendment and how it’s their god-given right to bear arms…and it’s just so fucking ridiculous. For starters, these rights we’re given aren’t really rights. They’re more like privileges…and we should respect that, rather than take it for granted…but most people don’t. Also, when your “rights” infringe upon the well-being and safety of another—it’s no longer your right…at least, it shouldn’t be. Either way, people have it all wrong. They don’t even know what they’re bitching about. Most activists lobbying for gun control aren’t looking to shred the 2nd Amendment altogether. No one is saying you don’t have the right to “bear arms”. You want to get a rifle or a shotgun and go hunting—go for it. You want a handgun to protect yourself and your family—again, by all means. But what the hell does the average citizen need with an automatic military and/or police-grade weapon when they are neither soldier or officer? There is no need for it. No need whatsoever. Those weapons are designed for one purpose and one purpose only—to kill. Granted, people kill people and the guns are merely tools, but why make those tools so easily accessible—why make it easy for the monsters and bad guys in the world to wreck their devastation and commit evil? Changing the policies on background checks for buying guns isn’t a punishment or a roadblock for constitutional rights as these gun-toting nuts try to claim. It’s a safety measure. A precaution. And I don’t know about you, but I’ll sleep a hell of a lot better knowing that the guy down the street with the documented history of mental health issues or who was once suspected of being a terrorist didn’t walk out of the gun store with that brand new AR-15 he was eyeing in the display case like a kid looking in the window of a candy store. Sure, his 2nd Amendment rights were trampled on a bit…but maybe lives were potentially saved. I think it’s worth it.

This is not the world I want for my nieces and nephews, or future children to have to live in—nor the millions of other children in this country. Pre-school should be about finger-painting and sing-alongs and laughter—not practicing lockdown and active shooter drills. What happened to children being children? What happened to protecting them and their innocence? Isn’t that what we should be doing? What we should be focusing on? Isn’t that what matters? It should.

I know I’m only one voice. But it’s on us, all of us. We have to come together, work together. Not for us. But for them. As their protectors and fighters, and as the ones that made the mistakes that led to this fear-filled reality they have unwittingly been thrust into…we owe them. We owe them this much.


Perpetuate vs. Revolutionize

I read something today—a friend’s status on Facebook–that really hit a nerve in me to the point where I felt (and still feel) it was necessary to speak up. And so I did. And now I’m saying it here as well. Why? Because I feel that it’s important; that it needs to be said. This was the offending status:

Screenshot_2016-06-01-15-57-10 me and alanEDIT

For starters, I want to point out that I’m a firm believer in the first amendment. I am. I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinions, and to voice those opinions in whatever manner they choose, including and especially on their own social media pages. Having said that, normally–I wouldn’t say anything. In fact, I make it a point to NOT get involved or comment for the fact that it—at least in my experience—usually tends to lead to conflict and drama that to be honest, I really have no interest in or patience for. After all, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that most people don’t appreciate being told they’re wrong…or that some people tend to take great offense to being called out and having their opinions and beliefs questioned and challenged–especially when that calling out takes place in a public setting such as Facebook or other social media. However– if we’re being technical–it should be pointed out that those offended individuals really have no leg to stand on, so to speak. I mean, yes—it is their opinion and their page and therefore they can do and say and post whatever they like—but they also have to be mindful of the fact that not everyone is going to like what they have to say or agree with them…and that some are going to be a little more vocal–insistent even–about it than others. As such, they really have no place to take offense—if they put it out there for people to see and respond to. If they didn’t want to be disagreed with or have their opinions challenged…then they probably shouldn’t have posted them on social media. That’s just simple logic.

So…no doubt, I’m sure we’ve all heard the story by now—how this past weekend Harambe, a silverback gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, was killed by zoo officials when a 4-year-old boy breached the barriers and fell into the gorilla enclosure. You’d have to live in a cave to have not heard about it. It’s been trending all over social media for days. It’s the talk of the town, so to speak…internet-style. Everyone and their mother’s got something to say about it. No surprise there. And of course, people are split on the issue. There are those that stand behind the zoo officials’ decision to kill the gorilla…and then you have everyone else: the animal rights activists and the average citizen who—predictably and understandably—have voiced their disagreement with, contempt for, and pure outrage over the decision that was made. Now, I’m no expert on gorillas, nor was I there so it’s really not my place to say whether or not the right decision was made, but I can understand some of their talking points as far as the animal rights issue goes. However, given the seriousness and exigency of the situation, I think the zoo officials did what they felt they had to do in order to ensure that child’s safety–and I’m sure they didn’t make the decision lightly.

Personally, I can’t say that I’m leaning more towards one than the other. The video going around isn’t damning in any one particular way, in my opinion. Also, it doesn’t show the incident in its entirety, so you don’t have all the facts. Yes, it showed the gorilla not-so-gently dragging the little boy through the moat and tossing him around a bit. But overall–from what I saw–it didn’t look as though he was trying to hurt the little boy per se— it almost looks as though he was maybe trying to protect the little boy from the other gorillas in the enclosure and from all the people that were watching. At one point in the video the gorilla looks like he’s holding the boy’s hand and tries to pull is pants up. With a doubt though, it was still a dangerous situation that could have easily had a disastrous end. I do think that maybe if they’d gotten those screaming, iPhones out & video-taping people out of there, the gorilla might not have been as agitated as he so clearly was. But again, I’m not an expert and I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. I’m no hardcore, card-carrying PETA member or anything, but I do take issue with using animals for our entertainment (I was totally that weird kid who hated going to the zoo when I was little). It just feels wrong to me. We shouldn’t be capturing and keeping and ultimately breeding these animals in captivity just to draw in a crowd or make a few bucks. We should just let them be free, as nature intended.

This whole thing could have been avoided, that much is absolute fact. But it wasn’t and it happened. And now, it’s one huge, social-media-trending mess. Because of that, someone or something has to be at fault, to blame—but whom/what is that…? Personally, I think the blame should fall with both the zoo and the child’s parent. The Zoo—because they really should have better strategies in place for these kinds of incidents, including the use of non-fatal tactics that they can use to diffuse the situation and the animal without the loss of the animal’s life. Also, structurally, none of their exhibits or enclosures should even have barriers wide enough for a child–or anyone for that matter–to breach and get through. Why they’d design barriers that way in the first place is beyond me. Even so, the Zoo officials can only do so much. They are NOT babysitters. It’s not their job to watch out for every child that comes through its gates. That’s the parent’s job. Is that little boy’s mother partly to blame for what happened? Certainly, yes. She should have been doing a better job of watching her child and not have taken her eyes off the boy—especially when witnesses alleged the boy had been insisting on wanting to “swim in the water with the gorillas”. But from what the media is saying, she had other children to watch and likely was distracted. She probably only took her eyes off the little boy just for a minute. The problem is—and anyone with kids or is around kids on a regular basis knows this—that a minute is all it takes and more than enough time for a determined child on a mission to get themselves into trouble. There’s a lot of should’ve’s where the mother is concerned going around online. How she should’ve been watching her child. How she should’ve had him on one of those child leashes or something, or at the very least, have brought another adult to aid her in watching the other children she had with her, including the little boy. Had she done those things, she likely wouldn’t have been too distracted to notice her 4-year-old wandering off and falling into a gorilla enclosure. But…I’m not going to pass judgement on the woman or insult her or call into question her ability to parent her children as so many have done and continue to do so since the incident. It’s not my place—or anyone else’s place, for that matter—to do that. Accidents happen. Kids do wander off. Parents aren’t perfect. I don’t know her so I don’t know if she’s a good mother or not, but I don’t think it’s altogether right how some people are crucifying her and demanding she be charged with child neglect and prosecuted, sent to jail, or even to the extreme—have her children taken away from her. That’s a little much, don’t you think? I mean, I’m sure the woman didn’t intend for a trip to the Zoo with her kids to turn into a viral rage-fest literally overnight. And as far as her being a crappy parent–well, you don’t see a lot of “bad parents” taking the time to bring their kids to the Zoo, do you? Most ”bad parents” wouldn’t even be bothered.

Any one of those issues I can justify an association to this incident with. But to drag race into it and make loaded statements such as the one in the above status—is just plain wrong. And I told my friend so. I couldn’t help it. He’s a close friend and I love him dearly, but he is wrong in this. So wrong. What happened in that Zoo and the outrage it sparked in the animal rights’ community and across the nation had absolutely nothing to do with the little boy being black. Nothing at all. Not one person or media outlet has spoken a word about the color of that kid’s skin. Not one word. Not that I’ve heard anyhow. People are angry that a beloved, endangered animal was killed as a result of an incident that could have been prevented. No one is saying that little boy’s life didn’t matter or that it mattered less than the life of the gorilla. No one is saying that at all. I’m pretty sure all people were focused on when they were watching that video was that huge gorilla and that itty-bitty little boy between his legs—that child. Not that black child. Just that child. In fact, the first few times I watched it, I didn’t know the little boy was even black, not until I saw pictures on the news of close-ups of the boy. The footage was shot from a distance and other than recognizing that it was a small child, you could barely make it out.

I’m going to be blunt when I say this. I’m sick and tired of black people playing the race card. I’m sorry, but I am. It has got to stop. I think too many people of color have lost sight of the true meaning behind the Black Lives Matter movement…and now they’re just using it as a crutch and an excuse for anything even remotely involving someone who’s black. There’s so much hypocrisy. Black people are so quick to cry discrimination, and yet the Black Lives Matter movement has gained the ground it has, in great part, on the very basis of that discrimination against the Caucasian race. Black people discriminate against white people all the time, it just doesn’t always make national news or the front page. What really irks me though is when slavery gets brought into it. That’s throwing down the figurative gauntlet for me. I’m sorry but…hell no. That doesn’t fly with me at all. Slavery was abolished over 100 years ago. Which means the slaves and the people that owned them have long since passed on. I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to sympathize with the plight of generations that have come before you or to feel strongly on the issue, especially if you have ancestors that were slaves themselves. By all means, sympathize away. But DON’T hold accountable the present generation and white race in general for atrocities that were committed 1.) Well before you and this generation were even born and 2) Weren’t actually done to you personally. And for the record, it wasn’t just white people who owned slaves. Blacks owned slaves as well. But for some reason, but no one seems to care about that. We’ve all heard the saying, “the sins of the father”. How can we as a generation be responsible for things that were done over a hundred years ago? And how are we as a generation/society/race ever supposed to heal from those wounds if there are people out there looking to try to stir up that fire by adding fuel, and fan it’s flames instead of trying to put them out and move forward? The answer is that we can’t. It just keeps us stuck where we are, with nowhere to go and no way out.

Honestly–I really wish people would just shut up about race altogether. And while they’re at it–put an end to this whole Black Lives Matter movement. I mean, what has it really accomplished? Because as far as I can tell, all it’s done is perpetuate the hate and the animosity and the prejudice. I’m not saying that racism is a non-issue or that it doesn’t exist in some factions of society. Because it does. I know it does. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched people discriminate and judge others because of the color of their skin. I know it happens. But it’s not as one-sided as the movement seems and likes to purport. So often people of color allege discrimination and point out the stereotyping by the white race against their race …but they don’t seem to realize that they’re doing the exact same thing to white people with all their nonsense and their casting of unjustifiable, slanderous accusations of discrimination. Not every white person is racist. Just as not every black person is a thug or a criminal. Not everything bad that happens to or involves someone that’s black needs to be made a federal case of. Or vice versa. And not everything has to be made a platform of for the Black Lives Matter movement. By throwing the race-card into this particular incident as well, is exactly what that’s doing–it’s intending to start trouble and stir up animosity where there doesn’t need to be any. It’s like some people of color are just trying to start a fight and/or to get people to march and protest and riot in the streets. It’s keeping the conversation going instead of changing it, like we should be doing. It’s inciting discord and conflict between our two races instead of uniting us equals–and isn’t that what #BlackLivesMatter is all about? Or what it was supposed to be about. I mean, you’d think people would be sick of dealing with and hearing about racism. Hell, I know I am. It’s 2016, people!! We have all these rights and liberties and opportunities for greatness that people–both white and black–never would have dreamed of having 100 years ago. So then why do some people have to keep harping on the past and blaming generations for transgressions made well  before their time? Are they really that clueless? Do they really not see or get it–that this hate and pointing fingers and casting blame and unjustly accusing people of being prejudiced–how is it any different from the hate the KKK and white supremacist groups perpetuated and spread (and continue to spread)? The answer is that they apparently do not. But it’s not any different. And if someone of color wants to take offense to that, well so be it. In fact, I hope he/she does. Because at least then I know that it’s being heard and (hopefully) it ruminates. Racism and discrimination and prejudice…it’s a two-way street. Both sides share blame. And both sides need to work together to change the conversation…if the nation has any hope of obliterating racism once and for all.

When I started working with my friend on “3 Blind Boys” and with Moving4ward (his production company), I actually thought the movement meant something. I believed in both the movement’s message and in what he was trying to convey in his project…and the fundamental values the company stands for. It’s been such a rewarding experience…but it’s also been a challenge. With the exceptions of some of our interns and myself—my friend, the team and anyone that’s been involved in any of our projects is black. And that’s deliberate on my friend’s part. His entire vision for the company is wrapped around the empowerment of individuals of color, which is an incredibly respectable vision, but conceptually and financially-wise–it’s very limiting. Not to mention, it makes the few of us that are white feel ganged up on—whether it’s intentional or not. It’s not a good feeling, and it makes it hard to believe in a project—to be in it 100 percent—when your heart just isn’t in it. I’m hoping my friend will come around eventually—that he’ll start to broaden some and stop limiting himself and the company with the paranoia that all white people are out to make black people feel inferior. I honestly do think it’s the only way he and his company are going to be a success…if he appeals to the whole audience, and not just a section of it…and if he stops just expecting discrimination just on the basis of him being black. He’s deeply religious and big on faith, yet for the most part, it’s as though he has little or no faith in any race other than his own. That’s not only unfair those of us that don’t give a damn about the color of a person’s skin, but it’s also very, very sad. I’d hate for him to remain so cynical…and to circumvent his own success–both on a personal and professional level because of it. He’s better than that. I know he is.

To conclude and to reiterate, not all white people are racists. We’re not the enemy out to get you. Some of us really DON’T give a damn about the color of your skin. We’re not The Boogeyman. So stop making us out to be. Please.


‘Til next time.


Water’s Thicker…

I know they say that you can’t pick your family…but seriously if you could, I’m telling you–I’d be that “camped-out-all-night-in-a-tent-like-its-Black-Friday-just-to-be-first-in-line-at-the-register” shopper. Literally. And maybe that’s a horrible thing to say…but if you knew my family–hell, if you’d dealt with what I’ve had to deal with the past 28-and-some-change years–then you’d understand. I know you would. Honestly, if it weren’t for the kids–my nieces and nephews–I’d have burned these bridges with the lot of them years ago. I really would have…


Starting with my grandmother. You know, it’s actually ironic because growing up, she was the one I looked up to most. I had the utmost respect for her. She was the strongest, bravest, greatest woman I knew. She raised me and my siblings like we were her own and she was always the one person we could count on no matter what. For the longest time, she was this hero (or heroine, if we’re being politically correct) to me. A mother figure that stepped in when my mother was more concerned with pleasing the not-so kid-friendly men in her life than she was with really being a mother to my sister, brother, and myself. In a way, I saw her as our savior, you know? But then I grew up. And as I did, those rose-colored glasses started to come off and little by little. And as they did, I started to see her and the whole situation in a different light. And I realized something. And to this day, I can’t help but wonder how much of her stepping in to raise us was actually about her trying to give us stability and love–and how much of it was about her trying to take control.

She’s a control freak. It’s like she gets off on it or something, I don’t know. Time and time again, I’ve watched her do it–step in and take control. She did it with my siblings and I. Then with my oldest niece, Angelina. The same with both of my younger nieces, Emma and Ava. Until you reach a certain age, that is. Everything’s great and she’s happy, so long as you’re under her thumb and you do what she says. But once you get older and start to pull up away and get a mind of your own–god forbid you have an opinion that challenges her–well, then you get to meet her “Mr. Hyde” personality. Of course, I was the good girl in high school–straight-A’s, never caused or got into any trouble–so she and I didn’t really butt heads all that often. Of course, she (along with my mother) was also a little preoccupied with taking my brother and niece’s mother to family court to petition for–and ultimately winning–custody of my oldest niece…so our paths didn’t really cross much. That is, until I’d voice my opinion on something–ANYTHING really–having to do with my niece or “put my 2 cents in”–as she likes to put it. Then the control freak would materialize and snap back with some bitchy response of how it was “none of my business” or how, since I wasn’t the one with custody, I had “no say” in matters whatsoever concerning my niece. Oh yeah. Grandmother or not, you have no idea how often I was tempted to put that woman in her place–so damn bad. Granted, my name wasn’t on those custody papers alongside hers or my mother’s…but how quickly she’d forget that it wasn’t just her that had a hand in taking care of my niece–though she loves to act as though that was the case. I was just 16 years old when my niece, Angelina was born. My brother was in jail at the time and Angelina’s mother lived with her father way on the outskirts of town in the middle of nowhere, so my mother and grams offered to let her and Angelina move in with us when Angelina was just a month old. My brother got out of jail shortly there-after and let’s just say that he and Lena’s mother were more interested in having a good time than they were in being parents. They’d leave Lena with us for days while they went partying and took off. If you said anything to them about it or pissed them off, they’d pack their stuff and Lena’s, say they were moving out, and they’d take off with her. They’d always come back. Sometimes they’d be gone a few days…maybe a week. Maybe two weeks. You never knew with them. You didn’t know where they were or where Lena was or WHO she was with or if she was okay. After months of that bullshit, they went to court and won custody. She was 6 months old. My grandmother had a job working 2nd shift, which meant that I was the only one with Lena from the time I got home from school until my mother got home from work, and then the two of us had her until it was time for her to go to bed. Again–let me point out that I was 16. While everyone else my age was hanging/going out with friends, going to parties, experimenting with typical 16-year-old things–I was home playing peek-a-boo and warming up bottles and watching Elmo Goes To Grouchland for the 1,607,982,298th time. When Lena was fussy during the night, I was usually the first to hear and get up with her, since my room was across the hall and closest to hers. When she was colicky and teething and just utterly inconsolable one night no matter what we tried, my mother and I took turns walking back and forth across the attic floor with her for hours. My grandmother is quick to discount all that, but I haven’t forgotten it. She can say what she wants, but I was there. All those baby milestones. Her first steps, first words. Family outings. First days of school. Soccer games, volleyball games, talent shows, concerts, recitals…everything. I’ve been there. My name may not be on that damn piece of paper, but my opinion should damn well carry just as much weight as anyone’s–even hers–and my niece damn well IS my business. Whether my grams likes it or not…SHE IS.

For the most part, these days anyhow–my grams asserting her “custody/ownership” rights in regards to Lena–has been a non-issue. Not because she’s seen the error her ways, unfortunately. It’s my niece herself, actually. She’s 12 going on 30. She’s got an attitude, that one…and a mind all her own. A fact of which my grandmother, of course, loathes. She’s brazen and she’ll talk back and she doesn’t always do what she’s told right when she’s told to do it–and so my grandmother is always griping on her for that. She’ll bitch and say it’s because Angelina’s a spoiled brat or mouthy or that’s she’s lazy and doesn’t do anything…but it all boils down to one simple fact–Angelina’s no longer under her control. And she can’t stand it. So as is her typical fashion–Angelina’s now the enemy. She’s 12. Yeah. Tell me how fucked that is.

With my other two nieces, Emma and Ava, it’s the same thing. Especially Emma, who’s 10–but is Special Needs and has a lot of physical, emotional, and developmental delays. Granted the girls’ mother has been MIA most of their lives in nearly every maternal way possible and my grandmother’s been their primary caregiver and all–but it’s more than that. She controls the who, what, where, why–and every aspect of their lives. You’re barred from having any opinion or say so in where they are regarded. Yet again, she’s under the assumption that she’s the only one that’s been present in their lives. And that she’s the only one that cares about them. Both of which are grossly false. And I’m getting damn near tired of her insinuating as much.

Her whole ego and control shit with the kids is frustrating, yes…but old news. There’s no point in arguing or debating the semantics with her. You’re just wasting your breath. So long as she’s got a baby or kid to control–she’s peachy keen. And at the rate people in my damn family keep popping out kids and handing them over to her to raise, she’s not going to be running out of ones to control any time soon. When she does start her crap, I ignore her. Sometimes if I can’t hold my tongue–I’ll tell her off. She doesn’t like it–but that’s just too damn bad. The woman acts like she’s fucking Hitler. It’s ridiculous.

What really gets me though is that she has no loyalty whatsoever. She really doesn’t. And that’s the deal-breaker for me. She really pisses me off. When I left for Tennessee she was all tears and “you can always come home” and then when I was down there, she kept asking me when I was going to quit my foolishness of running wild and my gypsy ways and come back to New York. All the time she asked me that. The problem with that however, is that New York isn’t “HOME” anymore. And a lot of that is due to her. Directly. She has no regard for my feelings whatsoever and has shown nothing but blatant disrespect for my wishes since I’ve been back. And she’s done so by association with my bitch of an Aunt Faith and her junkie C-U-Next-Tuesday daughter, Jennifer (my cousin)–both of whom I, without an ounce of remorse–LOATHE. It’s no secret that I’ve hated those two for years. My aunt because she’s been jealous of my siblings and I our entire lives for the fact that my grandmother showed us more attention that she did to my aunt’s children, and as a result, we’ve had to deal with the resentment and a forced competition of sorts with her kids when we were growing up. Like her, they always acted like who they were–and like the world owed them something…like they were better than the rest of us…and that’s her doing. They learned it from her. And now their kids are the same way with my nieces and nephews. And I can’t stand it. What really cemented the cutting of all ties though were that bitch Jennifer’s actions some 7 or so years back. I won’t bore you with details, but long story short, she got jealous that things were going well for me–great job, new ride, new apartment, going back to school. Whereas she was broke, living with her mother, had just had another kid with a 2nd baby daddy who broke up with her and got himself a wife and new baby out in California. She couldn’t have that so the conniving bitch that she is, she decided to fuck things up for me. One thing led to another and she ultimately did a kick ass job of screwing up the really going thing I had going for myself. And she did it for no other reason than because she was jealous. And because she could. She’s a fucking bitch. And the betrayal was so much worse for the fact that I was the one that had had her back the entire time–had been her shoulder to cry on after the break-up, had taken her out with my friends to get her mind off everything. I did so much for her and she stabbed me in the back. And then, even after I confronted her with proof of what she’d done, she had the nerve to deny it. Her mother, of course, believed her. And to this day, still defends her. Like mother, like daughter. That bitch Jennifer though, she eventually got jammed up–and my mother just happened to be in court for something with my brother when Jennifer had an appearance for a bail hearing or something of the sort. Months before the bitch had cornered me in Wal-Mart when I was with my niece and got in my face, so I’d filed a complaint with the cops. It was on record so when the judge brought it up and used it as a reason to deny to release, I guess the bitch turned right around and looked at mother and then–right in open court–said that she was going to kill me. Yep. She’s a junkie, a bitch, and a fucking idiot. A real trifecta, that one. So yeah…all that, and yet my grandmother can’t even show me the courtesy of telling them to stay away while I’m downstairs, knowing full well that I can’t even stand the sight of them, Jennifer especially. If I have to hear her tell me one more time to “get over myself”, I swear to God I just might lose it. I don’t care if it’s been 7 years or 17 years. I can’t stand those bitches and I don’t give a damn if they’re family. As far as I’m concerned, they aren’t. They made that choice when they did what they did. I could honestly give a rat’s ass what the hell happens to them. And she might choose to associate with them–the two-faced bitch that she is–but that doesn’t mean I should have to. And yeah, that might be her daughter and her granddaughter and her house, but it’s also my mother’s house and I’m a guest of my mother’s while I’m here in New York. And my grandmother, she’s the biggest hypocrite of them all. She’s held a grudge against my uncle Joey’s wife Kathy for almost 3 decades now and I know damn well that if the woman showed up, hell would have no fury. So fuck that. And fuck her.

Tonight she let that bitch and her daughter come over. Of course, I had a few choice words for Jennifer when she walked outside and I was on the porch–to which she ran back inside and told on me. Pathetic. My mother, of course, came out and “scolded” me for using such foul language. Bitch, please. I’m 28 years old. As far as I know, this is still a free country and freedom of speech is still in the 1st Amendment. I can say what I want, to whom I want. And all I spoke was the truth. I won’t apologize for that. I shouldn’t have to. That my grandmother got all up in arms about it and sent my mother out to yell at me just cemented what I’d already come to terms with…I’m done. Done with her. Just done. I’m so sick of her not having a loyal bone in her body. Well, that’s not entirely true. She’s loyal to those two bitches, just not to me. She says that’s not true, but it is. And I’m done. She made her choice.

I thought I’d be sad. But I’m not. Honestly, I just feel relieved to finally be done with her bullshit. I used to idolize her. But the woman that I thought she was–that woman is long gone. And the one that’s left in her place–I don’t know her. And I sure as hell don’t respect her. And without respect, what else is there, really…



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